Today I'm hoping to get a bit of feedback on a few things that we're working on at our house. So, if anyone has some wisdom, knowledge or even just random comments to share, please do! Here are my topics:
1. Parenting the almost-three-year-old Samantha. It's been a real challenge for me lately. She's just being two, I know. But sometimes she gets soooo wild and out of control. She only does what she has in mind to do, most of the time. Sometimes that coincides with what we'd like her to do, sometimes it conflicts. Example: today I asked her to pick her puzzles up off the floor so I could vacuum. She was busy coloring and didn't want to. I asked her a second time, with a warning that the puzzles would go in time-out if she didn't pick them up. She looked at them and said, "okay, put them in time out," then went back to coloring without a second thought. The puzzles are now in time out for two days, and she really doesn't care. So, anyway, I feel like I've done everything from praising her every move, to calmly putting her in time-outs, to screaming at her frantically, to spanking her soundly, to ignoring her antics, to cuddling her like crazy, etc. Anyone got any fresh ideas, or even just some words of encouragement that I'm not messing her up or damaging her self-esteem or whatever? I've love to hear from whoever.
2. Along the same lines, I confess bit of an anger-management issue. The little things dealing with mothering sometimes seem to drive me CRAZY! I have yelled when I have no right to be yelling. I have slammed doors when I should not be slamming and should be calm instead. I have almost bitten a hole in my lip from gritting my teeth. Example: last night Samantha picked up some dirty silverware off kitchen table and started to put it in the dishwasher full of clean dishes. I said, "Woops, no Sammie, please put it in the sink, it's dirty." She was still heading for the dw. "No Sammie, that goes in the sink! Not the dishwasher." Still going to the dw. A little louder, I say, "In the SINK, SAMMIE! the SINK!" Then, as she is defiantly putting them in the dishwasher (just because that's how she is -- she just HAS to do whatever it is she wants to do), messing up all the clean silverware, I find myself shouting, "NO! NO! NO! THAT GOES IN THE SINK!!! IN THE SINK!!"
Really, what she did was not that big of a deal, definitely NOT worth shouting about. I was really embarrassed, especially when Brian turned around with a shocked look on his face. But at the same time, I was so angry. Even writing about it, I'm feeling tense. Goodness. I have stress relievers -- play the piano, clean the house, listen to music, workout, etc. They aren't working for me in this department. I need something more. Any ideas? Please don't think too terrible of me for admitting this. I know I'm supposed to always be the sweet, kind, patient mother. And I really AM trying. But not always doing a good job of it, sigh.
3. I need some good book suggestions. If you want to recommend some on the above topics, I'm open. I'd also like some good reads on getting and staying healthy. Also, just good fiction would be appreciated, if you've read anything good that you'd like to pass on. I went to the library with Brian last week, and all I checked out was a bunch of Sammie books, because I couldn't think of any for me. That's so lame. Give me your ideas, please!
4. I'm a person who believes in praying regularly. But I am having trouble making it happen. This is another big thing to admit, I know. I'm not saying I don't pray, but it's more that I don't have a set time and place that is a part of my daily routine right now -- other than prayer with Brian at night, and prayer with Samantha, and prayer on meals. I guess I'm just looking for any suggestions for making time for a little personal prayer and meditation, and making it a habit.
I'm sure there's more I could confess here, but I'll leave it for now. Hope everyone's enjoying a lovely week of gorgeous autumn time!
15 comments:
I have had issues with Abby not listening to me lately. I started a new way of disciplining her from a book that was recommended to me called 1-2-3 Magic. I have started to read the book but have already been doing the discipline method and it works well. call me and I can explain it if you want. However, Abby is four so I am not sure that it is good for Sammie. I have not really used it on my Sammy though the book says it is for 2-12 year olds. I have certainly been where you are (and still am). Lately, my other method of coping is just getting a babysitter for the afternoon and going out without children....that is what I did earlier this evening!
Kamber. I just left you the longest comment and it deleted before I posted. FRUSTRATING.
To sum... THANKS for your post. Helps me to know that I'm not the only one. We should be talking more since aren't our Sams about the same age exactly???
1 - Parenting. Good luck. Every child is different and needs their own tailor-made parenting approach. I love Love and Logic and No- Why Parents Need to Say it and Why Kids Need to Hear it. I've found lately that the best parenting thing I've done is hire mother's helpers to come for 2 hours 2 days a week. I pay them $2/ hour to play with Sam while I get some things done around the house. It is such a steal... helps me keep my sanity and Sam loves it.
2 - Yes... I've found myself losing my temper at silly things much more readily... especially later in the day. I've put myself in time out and/or will play a certain playlist on my ipod of soothing church music that Sam loves too. It works really well for us.
3 - Books. Some that I've read recently and loved all over again or discovered new... Angle of Repose by Wallace Stegner, The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver, (I love ALL Stegner and Kingsolver books), The Covenant... I've also read an embarrasing amount of teen lit thanks to my sister in law. Shannon Hale books (Goose Girl, Enna Burning, Austenland), A Great and Terrible Beauty, The Uglies, The Pretties, and The Specials... Etc.
4 - Prayer. I hear you and I have zero suggestions. I love what a friend of mine and recent convert told me. "I think of personal prayer as my appointment with God. He may not always tell me something every time. But if He DOES have something to tell me, I'll always make my appointments." SO hard with kids though...
This is the longest post ever... and you should be impressed. I even typed it TWICE! :) Lisa will be jealous. ha ha. Hope you guys are doing well. Would love to see you if you ever meander down to SLC.
Totally agree with the Love and Logic. Changed my life around. Not that I am totally perfect at it, but it helps that Blaine can say, "Don't you mean, uh oh..." It can make it so that you can calmly discipline. the idea is to put the responsibility on the child, not you. It's their headache that they are in trouble, not yours. read it you'll love it. Oh, and for the puzzle incident. I would have put the coloring book in time out and the puzzle in the trash. Yeah, I'm harsh, but they do that same thing and it's our rule that if they don't take care of it, it's in the trash. They jump to take care of whatever it is, but you have to be willing to follow through if they don't. Again, it's their responsibility, not yours. Read the book. If you want, I'll mail you my copy. It covers baby to 6. Great stuff.
Brittany and Sammie are SO alike, its scary. The other thing that I will suggest is to go enroll Sammie Sue in a dance class, or gymnastics, or preschool or whatever. Get HER out of the house a couple days a week. Again, something that changed Brittany's whole life around. It builds confidence for her, which will make her a happier person, but it will also give her a chance to mingle with other people, giving her a break from you, but also you will have your break from her. You both are probably tired of each other. It will also give her something to look forward to and will make the other days less mundane. Just a suggestion.
Kamber, Kamber, Kamber. You have said EVERYTHING that I feel. I was telling (venting to) Scott about my day with Brie and Ava today and he kept say, "You need to go read Kamber's blog." I have been meaning to call you and I should much more often so that maybe we can complain to each other instead of to our poor husbands. It HAS to be their age right???? Is this girl going to drive me crazy forever? And then I look at Ava and get scared for when she starts too. Ava already makes things more difficult (climbing out of the grocery cart, taking all the dirty dishes out of the dishwasher and spreading them around the house, throwing all the clean, folded laundry out of the basket) but in a much more innocent way. I expect more from Brie and she purposefully goes against me. I know she's two, but I feel like now is when I should be teaching her, molding her, training her. I'll have no control at all one day.
I have absolutely no advice. I am very excited that you asked for it and I'll be checking your comments. I'm also excited to read the book suggested. Brie will be starting dance class and I'm doing a co-op preschool. We do a lot of out and about things. It is better for all of us to be out of the house at storytime, the zoo, the park, on walks, playgroup, etc. etc.
Best of luck! Love you! Call me when you want to scream.
Wow Kam--What NICE comments and advice you have received already!! I think your days will certainly go better after implementing some of these things suggested! As for me--I talk on the phone with you quite often, and as you know, I can"t usually think of anything noteworthy to tell you. I think child-raising days have their ups & downs, just like LIFE does---sometimes Up and sometimes Down.
As your mother, though, I will suggest that above all else---FIND TIME FOR MEANINGFUL PRAYER. It's MY main thing that's helped me all through these years. And I'm sorry to say---it STILL didn't help me much with the "not yelling" part of life---(I'm sorry I passed that on to you, my dear.) (: You're doing GREAT, though, Babe!! Sammie's adorable--Aunt DeeAnn SAID so!! Love, Mom
Hey Kamber.... about all the parenting stuff. The best parenting book hands down is The Power of Positive Parenting by Glenn Latham. He is world-renowned in the behavior field and a member of the church. Good stuff!!!
Whew... I was beginning to think you were too perfect. :) I'm so glad to know you're normal like the rest of us. I have no parenting advice, but something that has helped me stay positive and low on the stress-o-meter is humming hymns when I feel the bubblings of frustration begin. It took a while for me to remember to do it and focus on it, but now I do it out of habit. Who knows... It works for me. :) I think you're wonderful! Good luck with the joys of parenting. I can't wait until I get my turn. :) As for the good books... let me know what you find because I'm at the same crossroads as you in that arena.
Oh I need like an hour to respond to all that and put in my two cents. But I don't think it would help anyhow.
I just had to laugh about your mom stories. All I can say to sum it up quickly, is I think it's totally normal and I feel your pain. I thought that things would get easier as my kids got older, but it has only gotten to be more difficult. Prepare yourself...
And good books, Oh my goodness do I love books. I could give you lots of suggestions. But I wouldn't even know where to begin!
Prayer. Hmm. I think it just takes practice. It becomes habit after a while you know. I'm sure there were times in your life when it wasn't really an issue as it is now. Take yourself back to those times and remember what made it work.
Hey Kam- it looks like you have gotten a lot of good advice here. I agree with Lisa and I do it with my kids too. If they leave it out it is in the trash. And I would have taken away the coloring book too. I lose my temper quite often and I am constantly praying for patience. I incluse in my prayer that I don't want to learn patience through having difficult circumstances, I just want to be able to be prompted to take a step back and stay calm. Heavenly Father knows us and will know what we need. Travis has a new job in WY and is gone for days at a time, these prayers have really been important to me.. my quiet time is after kids are in bed and I am by myself. That is when I pray. Harlee is stubborn and defient. I started when she was three to tell her about her choices. They understand more then you give them credit for. I told Harlee that she chooses how she feels and the choices that she makes every day will affect how people act towards her. An example would be after Sam puts her stuff away then tell her that was a good choice she made and vice-versa when she makes a choice that isn't right. Harlee understands that there are consequences to her choices. She is almost 7 now, but, like I said, I started this when she was 3. She didn't have terrible 2's, she had terrible 3-5's. Girls are emotional wrecks!! I feel for you..I've been there and still struggle. Good Luck, you're not alone! - Love ya
Love and Logic. Totally. Saved me from going to jail on a number of occasions.
Also, read what the Bible Dictionary says about prayer. I like it a lot.
So I'm glad to know I'm no the only one who has such days!. I do think, that finding the answer to number 4, could help with numbers 1 & 2. I know, I know, easier said then done. This is something I've been trying to do better at lately. And the days that I do, really go smoother. Another thing that helps is being able to get away, once in a while. Elder Ballard talked about Motherhood in the April Conference. And the thing that struck me the most is if you aren't filling your bucket, how can you help fill others? Get involved in you Ward, especially with Enrichment night. I find that when I go, I'm much more patient and loving when I get home. Plus, husbands are a little more understanding when they've had an hour or two with the kids. (Just an added bonus).
As far as good books, I don't read a whole lot. But recently I started reading books Carolyn Hart. They are mysteries, if you like that kind of thing. She sometimes has a little bit of a potty mouth. But never too extreme.
Good luck and if you have any amazing break throughs, let me know. I'm always up for free advice.
You have lots of good advice given you already. The only advice I have to give is to keep working on prayer. Many of my most meaningful and helpful prayers are offered at the kitchen sink and go something like this: "Oh, Heavenly Father, please help me not to beat her...." Maybe it sounds vulgar, but I can tell you it helps a lot, and reminds me that I'm taking care of His children and he's watching us, which calms my temper significantly. In all sincerity prayer has made all the difference in my ability to remain calm and even love being a mom (which hasn't come naturally, unfortunately). Heavenly Father has really helped me to know how to act rather than react towards Sabrina.
Good Luck! You're not crazy, you're a mom.
I love you.
Candice
PS I also agree with the mommies helper idea, if you can afford anything like it. I've done it and loved it.
Wow! You've gotten a lot of good advice... I hope that it helps you see that you aren't alone in the things that you are dealing with. On the days that I get angry or just feel like I can't deal with one more thing, I let Seth know that he needs to take do something with the kids so that I can have time to myself. It really helps to just be able to have my own thoughts in my head and not have to answer anyone or do something for anyone. I also got together with a bunch of ladies in my neighborhood and we take a girls night out once a month or so. The husbands watch the kids and we go get dessert at Applebees. It has helped me so much!! Being able to talk with other moms and just hang out with friends helps clear my mind and lift my spirit.
I've also found it difficult to pray, and though I hate missing any sleep at all, I've found it helpful to roll out of bed 5-10 min. early or stay up a few minutes later than everyone else and say my prayers. While I say little prayers in my head or from my heart all throughout the day (because I just couldn't make it without constant help)I find that when I have a real kneel down and contemplate type of prayer my day goes better.
This post got a lot longer than intended. I just wanted to let you know that I love you and that though being a mom is the hardest, most frustrating job we'll ever do, it is also the most worthwhile and rewarding. I love you, Kam. Keep up the good work.
Hiya Kamber,
I have been meaning to leave a comment for a long time, but often have a hard time taking the time to do it. You have already had so much good advice I still want to add my two cents, I hope that they help.
As for good book for raising kids I have to agree with the earlier comment on Positive Parenting. I really like the book and it has ideas for all ages.
When I am feeling grumpy with my children there are some things that help me 1) Sleep - however I usually get grumpy with lack of sleep. 2)Getting Out of the house - either with the kids or just by yourself, maybe even going for a walk or run alone. 3) Going out with friends. Now I forgot if there were any more ideas that I had for you.
I do have a good suggestion of a helpful book for health and fitness. It is called Small Changes, Big Results by Ellie Krieger. I love it because it combines eating, exercise and general well being with a different goal in each area for 12 weeks and really helped me not just take off the baby weight but also to understand food and exercise better.
Well there are my two cents. I hope that you are all doing great.
Sweet Kamber, you have my life! I had no terrible 2 issues with Ethan, but 3 is about to do me in! I too find it hard to make meaningful prayer a part of day, and I know it would make a difference. I usually wind up falling asleep half-way through at night, and am usually woken up by kids in the morning, so prayer doesn't happen until over breakfast. I feel the Spirit telling me my life would be dramatically different if I could start praying as I should.
And I yell a lot too. More than I should. So much so that David finally said something to me about it when I was yelling at Ethan one day. And that just made me more furious. But he brought out a good point - I yell too much at the outset. Sometimes you have to get all loud so they know you mean business, but too often I'm just tired of dealing with crap all day and I just start out yelling. Doesn't do much for the situation. So I'm trying to start with a soft voice at least twice before I switch over to the yelling.
As for books, try the Mitford series by Jan Karon. I think you would really, really like it. You could also start selling Pampered Chef. :) Seriously, it's the best thing I've done for ME since I had kids. I get out of the house about one night a week and mingle with other grown ups and earn some money while I"m at it. I tell David that it's an investment in me. I hope I can do it forever.
Love ya, girl. Hang in there. You're doing way more good than harm, even on days when your patience wanes. I've seen you in action!
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