I've been wanting to write you a little note for several weeks now. I figure my blog is as good a place as any to express some of my thoughts to you. I've actually been reading lots of old blog posts and journal entries about you lately, my first baby girl. Oh how I love you, dear girl! All my recent reading has made me extra grateful for you, and all the wonderful memories I have with you. I've especially been thinking about when you were my ONLY babykid, back when it was just the two of us, in London. Well, it was the three of us, of course -- Daddy was there. But he was often NOT there, as you know, which meant it was just you and me for lots of long days and nights alone together.
You were my best little buddy, such enjoyable company for me! I wish you could remember what it was like--what YOU were like. Truly, if I had one wish for you, I think it might be for you to see yourself as that darling little girl who captured everyone's heart. You were fearless and spunky, and also so friendly and engaging with others -- and absolutely adorable, with your ginger hair and "golden wipers." You had so much confidence and curiosity and zest for life. Your enthusiasm, energy, and outgoing personality were inspiring to watch! I think you'd find it absolutely fascinating to watch yourself at that age and stage... I wish you could see in yourself NOW those same things that were so much a part of you then. I see them in you now, too, but I sometimes think you're hesitant to let those parts shine. Don't hesitate, my Samantha. Be your whole self!
My friend, Ana, liked to babysit you sometimes. She spoke English as a third language and sometimes got things a little mixed up. She's the one who called you "cleverly." We thought it was so cute, and so true-- you have always been extremely bright and clever. I know you think it's overstated sometimes. But it's remarkable to me (and so many others) how very smart you are, and have always been. I'm not just talking about schoolwork and tests, etc. I'm talking about a deep wisdom and understanding that you seem like you've always had. You've always asked good questions, and figured things out with "context clues." You have had common sense and self control and the ability to reason with others, from such a young age. When you started GT last year, I loved that the word you picked to describe yourself was, "learn." So fitting for you!
When you were just a few months old, I had lunch with my boss, Caroline, from the college where I worked while I was expecting you. Caroline held you and looked into your eyes for a long moment, and you looked right back at her. Then, after studying you, she told me, "Your Samantha seems as though she has an old soul." I've always loved that thought, and have felt it was true about you. Even as a youngster, you seemed wise beyond your years. You could understand people's feelings and emotions that were far more complex than it seemed like a tiny child should be able to comprehend and relate to. I think that is one of your gifts, one you were blessed with before you came to this earth. I also think, because of this depth you have, you also have a gift for compassion. I've seen you empathize with others and understand their perspective, without having to have things explained to you. What a talent and blessing -- something that benefits you, and so many of us around you.
I've watched you, with anticipation, as you have continued to grow in your faith and love of goodness and righteousness. Those moments where I have seen you recognize and feel the Spirit in your life are priceless memories for me as your mother. I love knowing that you feel that same love of/from Heavenly Father that has blessed my life through the years. I love that you're trusting the connection you feel and feeding your faith. When I look at you, I see a beautiful daughter of God, who knows who she is and whose she is. Remember, the things we feed will grow. That is very true with your faith, and I certainly can see yours growing, especially as you've started your own study habits for reading the scriptures and working on your Faith in God program. These things may seem small and tedious, but the small things are really the every-day nourishment we need for our spiritual growth. When you feel your spirit is hungry, I hope you remember the best way to feed it is with a daily commitment.
Oh Samantha, these 12 years have gone so quickly for me. I look at you now, on the brink of young womanhood. You are so very beautiful!!--inside and out! I hope you see that when you look at yourself. Your golden hair and ruby-red lips, your bright eyes and expressive smile -- all good things that match your kind and thoughtful ways, your even temperament and your spiritual depth. I'm so excited for these next years ahead. You have some amazing opportunities waiting for you, in school and church and just being part of our family and community. I know our family life seems busy and things are often spiraling in different directions. But that craziness should not be a deterrent for you as you reach for the stars! I mean it! You have the mind and capacity to do GREAT things with your life ahead. I can feel so much love and goodness from you, and know you have such potential. Chart your course, and let us help you reach your goals. That's part of our role as your parents and family. That's part of my desire as your mother -- to help you figure out what you want to do with your gifts and talents, and help you grow in your faith and your capacity to serve in whatever way best suits you. I hope that makes sense... I might be getting too complex here. But what I'm saying, is that I want to HELP you be your best self. I want to listen and hear your plans and dreams. And I want you to know that I trust you, and that you can trust me. And even more important, that you can trust Heavenly Father to be there for you.
I love you, my dear Samantha Susan. From the first moment I held you in my arms, I felt such a bond with you -- like I was reconnected with one of my best friends after we had been separated from each other for awhile. That's what it felt like, holding you that first night. (Before you decided to keep me up all night, several nights in a row, little rascal!;) I keep that memory in my heart, and think of it often as I'm watching you across a room, or when you give me one of your fierce hugs, or as you sleep sometimes at night. I love that closeness I feel with you, my daughter, my friend. You are in my heart and prayers always, and I know Heavenly Father has great plans for you!!
Love,
Mom
