Better day-- in writing

So, it worked!
I wrote and wrote and put all my anxious, nervous thoughts onto this blank page last Saturday night. I didn't even really "post" it until later. But I got it all out of my head and onto virtual paper.
Then I slept and prayed and refocused.
And now, I feel better. :) Works like a charm, eh?

I have a facebook group called Three Good Things Today. I don't post every day, but most days I try to write down at least three positive, happy things from my day. THAT works, too. OH, how much I love to write. I am sitting here in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday, knowing there are groceries to buy, a kitchen to mop, a bathroom or two to clean, a few loads of laundry to do before the kids get home and the real busy part of my day begins. But I had to come back for a few more words here. I miss it. I love it. I NEED it! If I had a life coach, she would tell me to write. She would see the healing power it has for my heart and soul. She would just MAKE me DO IT, for my sanity. Maybe I should be my own life coach? Sounds like I already know what I need.

I've been missing it for too long. Somewhere along the long list of priorities for my somewhat busy life of tending and mending and caring for the whole household, I've put writing down near the bottom. It's a mistake. For me, at least. Writing is part of my soul medicine. I feel the light of life, the love of the Lord in my life when I write. It's a good thing. I want to recommit! I want to give my thoughts a voice, if only so they leave my head and let me be at peace! :)

But it's a challenge, and I fear my commitment is a bit shallow. So instead, I'll just say I HOPE to return to what feeds my soul. On a regular basis. It's just something that feels sooo good to me.

And music... I played a medley of hymns in Sacrament meeting service this past Sunday. It was intense! I love the memory of the feelings I felt as I played. So much love, so much peace, so much truth in music.

Anyway, the groceries really DO need me, before kids get home. So I'm off for now. Just had to write a quick something... anything... just, writing. :) :)

Some anxious thoughts, to clear my mind

Oct 7, 2017

Tonight, I want to share just a few of my more personal thoughts, just to let go of some of the feelings surrounding them, I guess. -- There’s something about sending a little message out to the silent internet, the unseen possible audience. It’s somehow comforting to feel like I’m actually writing my thoughts to someone, instead of no one. 

So, here I am tonight. Sharing, because I feel like it...because I need to.

I’m feeling a lot of anxiety right now.

And stress.

And mother guilt. For so many reasons, so many things. I just feel worried and little bit out of control with how to handle it. Lots on my plate, lots on my mind, lots in my heart. Not lots of tears, but some internal combustion happening, I think. 

I love my kids. I love them soooo very much. And I love Brian, too. He is my rock, my safe place in life. But I sometimes worry that I overwhelm him. I come crashing into him, and I am wreckless and scared, sometimes. And he doesn’t know how to respond to me, how to help me, how to hear me. And I feel that I’m being unfair, because I hope and expect that he WILL know what to do for me, especially when I’m feeling lost and uncertain… I want SOMEBODY to have the answers for me, and it’s usually him I trust to sort things out. I’m sorry about this. It’s not very healthy and I worry that it is damaging our relationship somehow. But if/when I retreat, instead of melting into his steadiness, I think that’s hard on us, too. I think he senses my distance, and neither of us seems to know how to fix that, either. I just wish I didn’t feel this way so much. Maybe it’s not so much… But when it’s here, inside me, it feels like too much. Feels like I need to stop somehow, but lack the skills and confidence to be strong and come out of my hard place.

My kids feel it too. I love them and cherish them. Oh how I love them, each of them… with their blossoming personalities, beautiful, soft kid bodies, and amazing little minds and spirits! They enlighten and fill me with joy and strength. But they take a lot, too. And their care makes me tired and worn down. And then I grow frustrated and impatient with their tedious bickering with each other, or their complaints about helping in our daily chores. Or their incessant “redistribution” of things that never stay in the places they belong. Then suddenly it all just makes me feel so angry with them, then angry with me for not being able to teach them better and help them make better choices. 

I worry for their faith. I love how the Lord has guided my life, and the strength and comfort I get through promptings and direction from the Spirit. It is very real to me, and very much a part of who I am. But I fear I’m not helping my children to have enough opportunities to feel and recognize how the Spirit can bless their lives, individually. I want them to know, and feel, and trust that Heavenly Father is their truest friend—that they can rely on him, turn to Him, believe His promises and His gospel. I want them to feel and see happiness in keeping the commandments, as I have. I want them to see and feel and know all this for themselves. But I struggle to know how to help them gain this and keep it and work it into their everyday lives. One of my many concerns with them.

I want to write each of them a letter, telling them the BEST, most WONDERFUL things I know and love about them. But I’m afraid of my critical eye… I can see the good, but then I also see where I have failed them, and where they are weak and flawed, like all of us are. I don’t want to hide those things from them, but I also don’t think they need to hear my worries about them as much as they need to know I  have faith in them, I BELIEVE in their awesome potential, EACH of them. I worry that they each think one of the others must be my favorite, or that I am disappointed in them. Not true; I love them ALL, EACH with all my heart!! And I love to see them growing and striving and thriving. I need to share this goodness more fully with them. These letters to them MUST be written, this week, I hope.

I’m feeling overwhelmed about a few things… Musettes--my singing group. I’m loving the music, and feel fairly confident I can stay on top of memorizing it. But the staging assignment is super stressful to me. We're supposed to build a Christmas Kitchen Scene, with a granny baking cookies and reminiscing about past Christmases. I'm also helping to write the script again. I don’t have a vision for it yet. And I don’t feel like I’m very well organized with many of the details. I need to take time to sort through details, do some delegating, get more of a complete picture of what we’re doing and what we need. I want it to be beautiful and lovely. And I want it to happen smoothly. I also need to make some recordings to keep on my phone so I can practice whenever/wherever.

Which brings me to another big anxious subject…

I’m taking a trip to England next week! NINE whole days! Ten, actually, since we have to drive to Seattle on Sunday, so we can fly out Monday. Super exciting, I know. Brian has been soooo very thoughtful and sweet, organizing this trip for me, and even inviting Cindy and Janice to come along. I really can’t believe it’s happening. But mainly, I just feel sooo anxious about it. All the travel and connections concern me. Flying, trains, driving in the UK. It all sounds stressful. Meeting up with friends sounds exciting, but very stressful, too! I have worked myself up about the smallest details, waaay too many times! It’s not fun and not fair. I want to enjoy it, and want to feel eager and excited about it. Instead I find myself feeling so nervous that something might go wrong. I’m praying for a sense of peace about this.

My Sunday School class is another nervous place for me. I love these kids very much. But I feel unprepared to teach, every Sunday including tomorrow. It seldom goes as planned, though I try to plan lots of interesting material. If certain young men are in class, everything is thrown off and we deal with lots of tangents and distractions from the normal lesson material. It's stressful and hard to prepare for. But for now, I think I better sleep and plan to prepare a little more in the morning. Good night, then. Thanks for letting me clear my head here!