I woke up again this morning around 5 a.m. thinking of Wade. It happens almost every morning, actually. And I think it's all a bad dream for a few minutes before I'm fully awake. Then I lay there, wishing it away, or trying
not to think about it, or going through every detail of the crash in my mind, wondering how it happened, what he was thinking for those last few seconds... By then I'm fully awake and I get up and use the bathroom, then really try hard to think of something else. I
should really try hard to go back to sleep, I know. But now it seems like habit, I guess, so my body thinks it's time to lay awake for an hour or so before going back to sleep. Not a good I habit, I admit. But maybe it will be a good thing once Baby comes and I have those early morning feeds?
Anyway, I know people say it will get easier, and it just takes time. I believe it. And I'm learning it takes faith, and distraction, and busyness, and an optimistic perspective, too. But mainly time. So, I'm waiting, and trusting that each day there's a little less sting when I think about it and wonder. And I'm reading, and praying, and listening to the stillness of the Spirit, which really does comfort my soul, when I'm open and ready.
And, I write, sometimes, because it seems to help.
**Today, I have a few more memories I've been thinking of, about dear Wade. On Saturday, I bundled up all my kids and let them go outside in the FREEEEEZING cold, to play in our first snow of the season. Samantha was out and back in, rather quickly -- she had some "projects" inside she wanted to complete. But Spencer and Natalie stayed out for a long time, loving the newness of it, and not caring too much about the cold, I guess. I watched them play from the window, and thought of my mom, telling me how Wade and Lance loved the snow so much when they were little. The winter my mom was expecting me, Wade was 3 1/2 and Lance was nearly 2. They lived in the-middle-of-nowhere Iowa, in a big old farmhouse in the country. The winter was cold, snowy and long. My mom said she would bundle up those two little boys and send them out to play for hours, while she laid on the couch with morning sickness. They would play hard, come in for lunch, then go back out and play some more. Every day. I wasn't even born then, so obviously this isn't
my memory. But watching my own kids relish the delights of a snowy day made me think of a tiny 3-yr-old Wade and littler Lance, loving their winter wonderland.
Actually, Wade didn't like the snow so much once he grew up. Remember how he lived in California and Seattle for a long time? Well... there were reasons. :)
**Anyway, I've been thinking about family mealtime lately, since my kids get all whiny about who gets to sit where, every night for dinner. (Really, I should be flattered, because usually it's Samantha and Spencer, fighting over who gets to sit by Mom! ha!) We had assigned seats at our table growing up. My mom was at one end (closest to the kitchen), my dad at the other. And Lance and Wade sat on either side of my dad. Blaine sat next to Lance, I sat next to Wade -- to his left. Then Trent sat between my mom and me. Don't worry if you didn't get the whole mapped-out arrangement. The key there is that I sat to the left of Wade, for many, many years. And we passed food around the table, to the left. Well, Wade didn't take half or more of what was on the table,
ever. He just passed it straight along to me. Basically, anything "green" was immediately given to me... salads, peas, green beans, relish plates, etc. (Not sure how he got away with NEVER taking any of those healthy foods, hmm??) But I generally ended up with a HUGE back-up of things to pass, as I tried to quickly spoon up my own servings of greens. And before long, Blaine or Trent would be whining at me to "please pass..." something or other. It looked like I was the super slow one, but really, it was WADE, not taking anything and being sooo fast! Believe me!! And, he would sit there quietly chuckling as I got in trouble for not passing fast enough. Even at big family gatherings, in more recent years, Wade would like to sit by me and make a big train of food piling up behind my plate, just so he could tease me about being so slow. Ah, man. I'll miss that quirky sense of humor.
**He used to pretend his hand was a spider. I can't describe it very well, and I certainly can't replicate it. But it was hilarious. It could pull me out of a bad mood ANY day, ANY time, no problem... from the time I was a girl until last time I saw him. His little "spider" would sniff around, then quickly crawl across the table to foods he wanted to eat. Or his "spider" would start sniffing around me or one of my brothers, before pouncing and attacking. It made us all laugh, just because it was not your ordinary "hand spider" imitation. It was fast, and spontaneous; it was his own little creation, and he'd make little sound affects for it too. More recently, he even used it on the nieces and nephews, and often had them squealing and giggling. I honestly don't know anyone else who can make a "spider" like Wade's. He shoulda taken that thing on the road! ;)
**One day, when I was a teenager, or maybe in college(?), my brothers and I were all sitting around the table. They were discussing hair preferences for girls they liked (not unusual... I liked to listen in and take their advice, of course. ;) Lance was describing how he liked girls to wear their hair long (they all agreed on that, naturally -- I think they were raised that way by my mom -- like it was a moral code for girls to have long hair?), and he liked them to have a few bangs in front, but to have most of the front hair pulled back, away from their face in a barrette. Trent agreed readily, saying he liked girls to have the sides pulled back, so it looked like they had actually done something with their hair. Not sure what Blaine said -- maybe he was quiet because he secretly liked short hair?? Well, at that point, Wade said, "I like it when a girl's hair is just all down around her face, soft and flowing, with no barrette or clip or anything." Right at that moment, the clip that was holding back my hair spontaneously opened and fell to the floor. My hair came softly tumbling over my shoulders in thick curls. All my brothers sat looking at me for a second, wondering if that was staged or something. Then we all started laughing... couldn't have timed that one any better! ha!
**Another perfectly timed moment... I went through an Abba phase some years back. (er, maybe I still crave Abba every now and then. ;) I had a few Abba cassettes that I had dubbed from somewhere, and I'd blast them around the house and sing along. Good fun. One day, I was listening, and "The Winner Takes it All" had just come on -- know that one?? It has a very long, melancholy intro. Wade happened to walk in just as it started. I hadn't seen him for awhile. So he greeted me enthusiastically with, "Kambi! My Sister!! We need to talk!!!" Just as he said, "we need to talk!" the Abba intro was ending, and the song was about to start. I turned it up and loudly sang the first line to him: "I don't wanna talk..." ha! He laughed really hard about that, and I certainly thought I was pretty clever. :)
**Not-so-nice was the time the boys found a salamander in the ditch behind our house when I was a little girl. Actually, I think they had more than one round of terrifying me with a salamander, but most memorable was the day when Wade came in holding it. "Hey Kam!" he called out. "Look at this!!" He held it up right in front of my face, its slimy body wriggling to get loose. Eww! Still gives me creepy chills just thinking of it. I screamed bloody murder and started running. Unlike the normal Wade I knew, he CHASED me with it!! Really, that was NOT his normal behavior -- he was my NICE brother, who rarely terrorized me. But this time, he chased me from the family room, to the kitchen, to the living room. He cornered me against the wall by the skinny mirror (which I someday hope to inherit because it really does its job!) and jabbed that disgusting creature right up next to my nose, maybe two inches from actually touching my face. I seriously was TERRIFIED, and could do nothing but scream and scream and scream louder! He'd put it down by his side for a second and I'd stop screaming, then he'd hold it up again and another involuntary scream would come right out of me. Oh my! I don't even remember how it ended, actually -- it was that traumatic. Can ya blame me?!?
Well, Wade apologized later that same day and told me he didn't know what had come over him. Ever since then he'd bring it up from time to time and tell me how bad he felt about that. "I guess I was just so fascinated by the screaming that I wasn't really thinking about how it might have been affecting
you. huh." Yeah, huh. At least I have to give him credit for only doing it once... Lance was the one who chased me into my room with one and set it on top of my BACK as I laid frozen with fear on top of my bed. Brothers!!
**Okay, a more grown-up memory... When my best friend, Alicia, was getting married 10 years ago, Wade was still living in California. Alicia's reception was an open-house in Bakersfield, the night
before her wedding. And then the wedding was in the Los Angeles temple the next day. Wade drove up to Bakersfield and dropped in at the reception to be with me, then afterward I rode with him that night to LA. We had a great chat on that 2-hr drive, one that I loved and appreciated. I was going through an excruciating break-up at the time... something that I felt was right, but it still hurt very badly. So I told Wade all about it. And he sympathized perfectly. He had dated a lot by then, and all his relationships had ended with lots of tears and pain. We talked long about his past and his decision to not get involved in serious relationships, mainly because the ending was always heartache. "I don't want to see any more girls cry because of me," he told me. It seemed to
me that we both eventually hoped things would end in a
good relationship, where things finally progressed to a stable and happy marriage. But when I said as much to Wade, I remember he told me, "Actually, I don't think that's in the plans for me. You would not understand my reasons, unless you had lived your whole life in my shoes. But I'm not hoping for that, Kam. And don't feel bad for me if that doesn't happen, okay?" He's right; I didn't understand, and I still don't. And lots of other people have never understood either. But I do know he had his reasons for not marrying, and his life choices brought him the happiness he wanted. (And no, he was not attracted to men... if anyone wonders.)
The next day, after Alicia and Scott's wedding, Wade picked up me and my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. I think he ate lunch or dinner with us, then maybe drove us to the airport? What I remember is that Wade knew the tension and heartache that was standing between us like an elephant in the room. But you know what he did? He made us both laugh hysterically, the whole time we were with him. He kept the mood light and entertaining and enjoyable. It was, I'm sure, partly so that he didn't have to feel our awkwardness. But it was also a very selfless thing, for him to try his best to relieve some of the tension of a rough situation. That was just his way. Always. And I love him for it and am so grateful for that example in my life.
**Skipping a few years... when Brian and I were living in London, Wade had moved from California to Boise. He had taken a voluntary lay-off deal with his Calif. company, and was living off his savings for awhile. Brian and I wanted him to come to London soooo badly. He always said he wanted to come, but realistically, I think it would have been hard for him to manage the funds. So we talked on the phone a lot. At one point, he was starting to get pretty negligent about returning my calls. And my mom said she hardly ever heard from him either. I think he was going through a "downer" time there for awhile. When I finally did get him on the phone one day, I remember talking to him about doing better at keeping in touch and staying close to family. I wanted to be very upset with him, but of course he kept the mood light and casual. Then he said he'd do better, and he did. He made it a point to call me every couple of weeks or so. And when I brought new-baby Samantha home for a visit, he made time to take me to lunch -- at Olive Garden, of course.
I love that he was so good at keeping our family close. I know he made time not just for me, but for all my siblings, and my parents. And he kept it up. From that day in London, to the week before he died, we had regular phone chats, every couple of weeks at least. He'd call as he was driving to my parents' house, just to have 15 minute catch-up talk and hear some funny, cute things about my kids. My last conversation with him (did I already write this?) was the day after Halloween. He had left me a message asking how to get to Mesa Falls. I missed the call because we were in Utah, but I called him back--after he'd already gone and taken all those amazing pics (on his fb page, if you haven't seen them.) We talked about how beautiful the falls are, how I wished I could have been with him, and about what the kids did for Halloween. It was just an everyday conversation that has now become a treasured last memory of his voice and his concern and caring for me and my family. Oh how I already miss his voice -- always cheery and optimistic and interested (even when he was simultaneously online, trying to stay in a LAN game, ;))
**In more recent years, he truly became the favorite uncle to every niece and nephew. They all loved to see Wade, because
he was always very enthusiastic to see them. He was excited to see them, would call them by name and give them hugs, even when he'd seen them just yesterday. One funny thing... he didn't like it when the kids were sick, because he felt like he always got whatever the nieces or nephews had. ha! Oh well... he didn't have his own, so I guess he had to have
some kind of "negative" regarding kids. :) Anyway, my kids all liked playing his iPad or phone, and he would generously give it to them and tell them to take turns. Samantha especially liked drawing pictures for Wade. Through the years, she drew several lovely pieces for him. When we went to clean out his house after he died, I found several of her drawings, even from years ago. Her most recent piece was taped to the front of his fridge (a big heart with many smaller layers within, and big cut-out letters saying "I Love YOU!), along with Natalie's scribbled "circles" that I had sent Wade in September. I also saw that our Christmas cards and family pictures were taped to his fridge, and the older ones were in a drawer next to the fridge. It means a lot to me that those little things meant something to him.
This is enough, for now. I know this is probably not the most exciting reading for anyone but me. But it helps me to remember, in a way that's not so sad and heartbreaking. So... there may be more. But for now, I hope to do some "recent happenings" blogging, if I get motivated, kay? :)
