Hello, Mom.
I'm pretty sure you're the only one who reads this blog anymore. So this is a note to you.:)
Actually, it's mainly just a note to the internet void tonight. A note to vent, to talk, to share something with someone. I have been aching to write lately. Thoughts flow through me all day, longing to find a voice somewhere. Here.
Tonight, I watched kids for some friends, mainly so my own kids could get to know theirs better, and we'd stay occupied while Brian is gone camping with the scouts. He's been so very busy lately. Let's not talk and think about that directly, ok? But indirectly, this latest stretch of his busyness is what led me to talk incessantly, like an elderly shut-in, when the happy couple came to pick up their kids tonight. It's what drove me to call my mom right during dinner, then, instead of hanging up politely, I rambled on, on speaker phone to both my parents during their entire meal, just because there was another adult, human voice that actually sounded like it was someone LISTENING to me?!
Wow. I'm in a kind of hard spot these days! I'm doing things to stay afloat. But there are other things that are hanging precariously around me, almost sliding down some terrible slippery emotional slope.
The truth is, I'm lonely.
I'm trying to make new friends here, and I'm having some success. But I'm not so patient. And, I'm back to that spot where I feel the loss of my past friends and memories, and the closeness I used to have with people that is just no longer there. And I feel like the oddity for having such thoughts, because I know not everyone does. Oh well. Somehow just even admitting these things here is healing.
I'm tired. I should sleep. I've been trying to eat better, exercise more, and get more sleep. I've been doing a beachbody challenge since January, to help me stay focused on these things. It's been REALLY helpful. In fact, I'd say, right now I'm kind of to a "rock bottom" spot, emotionally, tonight. But I know I won't stay here. I'll get some rest tonight and exercise tomorrow and I'll feel a little better. I'm learning how these things really do help pull me along and lift me out of the down days I have. I'm also learning (or re-learning?) that sleep is one of the most difficult things to manage in my life. It seems like it's ALWAYS been that way. Eating is tough right now. But the worst is the sleeping. Which is why I'm ending here, and heading to sleep for the night. Good night, internet void.
