It's all going by so fast, this lovely life of mine. I turn around and see my kids growing, growing... so fast, so fast. They are adorable, and loud. And they crave my attention and I want to give them every last ounce of it. Only, I get tired and they do too. And then we are not always so happy with each other. But I love them so much and sometimes just can't stand to think how quickly life is sailing by us! Almost like a dream, I think.
Tonight Camille would not settle. She had two long naps today, after returning from a long trip yesterday. Then she was up late, and fell asleep in my arms after I nursed her at 10:30pm. But then she woke up as I wrapped her up for bed and acted like she was ready for another few hours. She fussed and squawked and got up twice more to have a little more milk, and a little more time with Dad and Mom before Brian finally wrestled her through her "stormy" spell before sleep. He calls it her "storm before the calm," as it often happens this way.
In the midst of Camille's little drama, Samantha woke up in her "half-sleep" way and wandered around the house sniffling about something she lost. She was in her purple polka-dot nightgown, and was wandering from room to room with a confused look. She was obviously not really awake, and was quite irrational.
It used to alarm me when she would do this. But now it's just kind of amusing and sweet to me. She acts like a little girl -- littler than she is. And she says funny things that don't make much sense. And tonight, she let me lead her back to bed and lay by her for a few minutes, snuggled up right next to me while I scratched her back. All her whimpering subsided and she was still and comforted by my touch and closeness.That doesn't usually happen with my precocious 8-year-old, I'm just sayin'. I want to remember this night and the way I felt about her as I laid beside her. I stroked her hair and kissed the back of her neck, like I used to do when she was a toddler. She's never been very snuggly, so I've learned to cherish these rare moments with my girlie.
Earlier, after dinner, we went on a family walk/bike-ride around our neighborhood. The kids rode their bikes and Brian and I walked and pushed the stroller with Camille. It rained this evening, so everything was fresh and the temp was cooler and nice. I loved watching Natalie on her bike with her little round, purple helmet -- those little legs going up and down so fast, so fast. She kept turning around to make sure Brian and I were still nearby. Her punch-stained smile and shirt only added to her cuteness. And Spencer, of course, raced way ahead, then circled back to show off his skills. I looked around and counted my babies, each one. One, two, three, four. All of them here, all of them happy. These are little treasures in my life -- these little people, these moments with them, and with Brian, where all of us are loving life together.
I recently finished a book about a family who lived in Berlin during WWII. They suffered through some pretty terrible things. The author/narrator was a teenager during most of the story. She said something that has been in my thoughts a lot lately... At one point, she felt so very sorry for herself and her family, for all their suffering. But then, she looked back at her happy childhood, her blessed family life and her past memories of so many good things. She said she realized then, that no matter what happened in the future, no matter how terrible the war was and what she or her family lost -- no one could take those sweet memories of her past from her; they were hers to cherish forever.
I loved that thought, and I needed to hear that perspective. It has helped me to pull out of a hole, I think. I've had such a hard time since Wade died, often focusing on the loss -- and the potential loss of what I have. His passing has made me feel extremely vulnerable and a loss of control, like anything I have can be taken from me at any moment, without warning. I've focused on the fear and the sadness of it all. Not just losing my brother, but more damaging to me has been my focus on the possibility of losing all the other dear people in my life -- the inevitability of death. It has not been good for me, I know. And I have been praying to change my perspective somehow.
The words from this woman who suffered terribly during WWII have helped me to refocus and be more grateful, instead of fearful: It's true that I didn't get to say goodbye to Wade, and I will feel the pain of his loss throughout my life, until I see him again someday. But I have so many beautiful, wonderful memories of him that have shaped me and will continue to be my treasures throughout my life. And, every day with the many other people in my life whom I cherish and adore -- every day is another sweet memory and a gift for me, something that no one can take away from me, ever. I am blessed. And I always will be blessed by my sweet past, present, and future -- with so many dear people to love, here or in the next phase of life, beyond death. I will brighten my faith in the future, and cherish my past.
And now, with so many "deep thoughts" running around in my head, I will go to bed, so I can get up early and exercise. :) "Good night, void." (A quote from "You've Got Mail," in case you didn't recognize that last sentence.)
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Tuesday, August 05, 2014
Happy Birthday, Brother!
It's officially Wade's birthday now, since it's after midnight.
He has been on my mind so very much lately. I've been missing him and feeling very distant from him, knowing he will not be here this year on his birthday. I wonder if they celebrate birthdays in heaven? And if they do, I wonder what kind of presents they get? Chocolate?? It would be nice if he asked for a little visit to say "hey" to his family, dontcha think? Well, whatever he does tomorrow, I hope he smiles and laughs and celebrates the wonderful soul that he is!
We are heading to my parents' house, to be there with as much family as we can gather to be all together on his birthday. We're each bringing some "Wade" treats to share... apple fritters, chocolate milk, Taco Bell tacos, chocolate chip cookie dough, green-apple jolly ranchers, country-time lemonade, etc. He had his favorites, for sure. And hopefully we can play some games as a family, and talk about fun memories of our dear Wade.
I need to sleep now, but this is my little birthday wish/tribute for Wade:
Happy Birthday, dear Wade! I missed your phone call on my birthday this year. And I've missed you every day since then. Having a bit of a hard time without you right now, just missing you and feeling your absence more than sometimes. I love you, Wade. I love the dear, wonderful brother you have been in my life, all my life. You always, always made me feel beautiful and loved and treasured. You pulled my "banana curls" when I was a little girl, but always made sure it never felt like you were teasing me or putting me down. You complimented me on my piano music, when I wasn't very good at it yet. You identified with me and shared dating stories with me when I was a young adult. You listened when I was lonely and spent time with me just for the sake of being together. You involved yourself in my little family's life and kept drawings and cards from my kids taped to your fridge for everyone to see. Oh, I miss you. I miss your house and your pictures, and your voice and your laugh. I miss your phone calls and your analyses of good books and not-so-good movies. I miss seeing your truck in Dad and Mom's driveway when I pull up. I miss reading your personal goals on your bathroom mirror and feeling your enthusiasm for life every time I was around you! I love you and miss you and hope you are happy and busy and feeling loved on your special day!
Love,
Kam
He has been on my mind so very much lately. I've been missing him and feeling very distant from him, knowing he will not be here this year on his birthday. I wonder if they celebrate birthdays in heaven? And if they do, I wonder what kind of presents they get? Chocolate?? It would be nice if he asked for a little visit to say "hey" to his family, dontcha think? Well, whatever he does tomorrow, I hope he smiles and laughs and celebrates the wonderful soul that he is!
We are heading to my parents' house, to be there with as much family as we can gather to be all together on his birthday. We're each bringing some "Wade" treats to share... apple fritters, chocolate milk, Taco Bell tacos, chocolate chip cookie dough, green-apple jolly ranchers, country-time lemonade, etc. He had his favorites, for sure. And hopefully we can play some games as a family, and talk about fun memories of our dear Wade.
I need to sleep now, but this is my little birthday wish/tribute for Wade:
Happy Birthday, dear Wade! I missed your phone call on my birthday this year. And I've missed you every day since then. Having a bit of a hard time without you right now, just missing you and feeling your absence more than sometimes. I love you, Wade. I love the dear, wonderful brother you have been in my life, all my life. You always, always made me feel beautiful and loved and treasured. You pulled my "banana curls" when I was a little girl, but always made sure it never felt like you were teasing me or putting me down. You complimented me on my piano music, when I wasn't very good at it yet. You identified with me and shared dating stories with me when I was a young adult. You listened when I was lonely and spent time with me just for the sake of being together. You involved yourself in my little family's life and kept drawings and cards from my kids taped to your fridge for everyone to see. Oh, I miss you. I miss your house and your pictures, and your voice and your laugh. I miss your phone calls and your analyses of good books and not-so-good movies. I miss seeing your truck in Dad and Mom's driveway when I pull up. I miss reading your personal goals on your bathroom mirror and feeling your enthusiasm for life every time I was around you! I love you and miss you and hope you are happy and busy and feeling loved on your special day!
Love,
Kam
Saturday, August 02, 2014
Just an Update
First, THANK YOU to all you blog commenters who left a note on my last post. I know, I sounded whiny and pathetic, but I do appreciate all your support! Get ready for some surprises in your mail. (And be patient, if it still takes me awhile!)
It has been an up-and-down kind of month. I took a bunch of pictures on my fun iPhone, and I can't figure out how to upload them to the computer. So... no pictures of our fun vacations and outings for the month of July, at least not yet. When I get things uploaded, and I begin back-blogging again (which I DO still plan to do... someday??).. well, then you'll see some pictures.
But for now, here's my list of things I've done since I last wrote:
-- We celebrated Brian's birthday, at the beginning of July. This was a big mile-marker birthday, and I wanted to make it special for him. But he was SUPER busy with work, so I knew the celebration had to somehow fit around his crazy hours. So, we planned a birthday breakfast party with his family. Waffles with fresh berries and whipped cream, along with eggs and bacon and pancakes for good measure. Delish! The kids and I thought up 40 wonderful things that we love about Brian, and wrote them on balloons that we scattered throughout the living room. They ranged from "head rides" and "the dead bug game" to "he speaks in Spanish with the kids," "he tells funny Arabic jokes," "he has a cute dimple when he gets his 'thinking' face on," "he can wrap Camille in a VERY good swaddle," etc. :) His present this year is a basketball hoop for our driveway. When it cools down a bit, and he's less busy, we'll have to spend more time shooting hoops as a family!
-- We went on an big, long trip to the Great Northwest for two weeks in July. The first week was the annual Hone Family Reunion, which we spent this year at a beach house on the Oregon coast. It was a great place and the beach was just down the steps from our back deck. (169 steps, that is!) Lovely views and overcast cool days, with lots to do up and down the coast. It was fun just spending time together -- seeing sites, playing games, and eating fun food together. Sadly, Brian worked and worked and worked during most of the reunion. It was pretty exhausting, but he was such a trooper, trying to make time for some of our outings, even though that just meant he would have to stay up even later each night. He worked so much that he didn't finish up his project until the very end of the week --after we had said goodbye to everyone and checked out of our house. So, then we tacked on some extra days for a little family vacation to Seattle and Victoria, BC. That was super fun, just being together with our kids and finally relaxing and resting. We got to see our beloved Randilicious in Seattle, and we bit the bullet and took the kids up the Space Needle. Of course, the highlight to them was the hotel pool. ha! We also went to Butchart Gardens in Victorian, and met up with my old roommate, Kurri, and got to meet her family as well. Fun times!
-- I celebrated my birthday this month, and had a wonderful day. It was on a Sunday this year. So, Brian and I went on a date on Saturday night, and had dinner at the Olive Garden, such a nice treat since it's been a long time since we've been there. Then on Sunday, lots of people at church wished me a happy birthday, which was fun. And in the evening, we went to Mark and Dalana's for a fun steak bbq with baked potatoes, delicious salads, and all the trimmings. I even got delicious Costco chocolate cake as my birthday cake, along with homemade cupcakes with fancy sprinkles. I truly felt so loved and spoiled by my family -- not to mention the many fun birthday wishes on fb. Too fun! It's a new year, and I'm following Wade's example of setting some new goals for myself, for this new age. (Although, I admit, I've had trouble getting really motivated about keeping them so far, so I might use his birthday -- Aug 5 -- to relaunch my enthusiasm and commitments. :)) My main present for this birthday was a new kitchen sink!! Yay! Brian and the kids picked it out, and it's already installed and working wonderfully well. I've been wanting one for quite some time, so this is a real treat!!
-- We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary the last day of July. Hard to believe it has been ten years already! I have so many fun and wonderful memories of our wedding day and honeymoon time. We have a digital photo frame that circles through lots of our pics from years past, so I get to see pictures of our first year together on a regular basis. I love remembering when it was just the two of us, and how special that time was right after we got married. It has changed a lot, and has gone by so quickly! I have been richly blessed and can honestly say I have enjoyed these past ten years with Brian more than any other decade of my life! And that's sayin' something--- because I have LOVED my other decades too! :) Our celebration this year was mild, due to a busy work schedule and lots going on with kids. But we went out to dinner and went shopping together last night while Brian's parents watched our kids for a few hours. And Brian bought me a GORGEOUS bouquet of 24 red roses that are sitting on our kitchen table. And, we plan to buy a grill as a celebratory present. Er, I guess I plan to buy a grill, since I just realized last night that Brian doesn't really want one. So... we may be rethinking things a bit. And... maybe we'll take a cruise or something this fall, since we've always dreamed of a cruise... maybe.
-- We took a trip to Utah right after our trip to Oregon and Washington. It was a very speedy-fast trip, but we saw some people we hardly ever see, and it was lovely. We spent an afternoon swimming with our dear Fleming friends from New York. Oh, how we miss their sweet family! Wish we lived a little closer!! And, we got to see the Beck family, (who we knew in London) while they were in town from China for the month. They happen to have a little 5lb. newborn precious baby girl, who we got to meet. Such a treat!! We also got to see our dear friends Mauro and Larissa, who we knew in Boston and in England. They also have a new baby girl, so we got to meet her and see their other kids as well. Plus, we stayed with Alicia and Scott, and relived some Boston memories and has some good time to catch up. It was only two nights and one day of a trip, but we packed a lot in and really enjoyed reconnecting with lots of friends.
-- Next week we've got another trip to Utah planned. Brian is going on a backpacking trip with his brothers and nephews. Fun times for him! We are tagging along to play with Bishop family and other friends in the area. I only wish it wasn't such a long, long drive to Utah, ya know?
Well, that's the latest wrap-up for now. I am teaching a Relief Society lesson at church tomorrow about "making right choices." The truth is, the "right choice" right now probably would have been to work on my lesson a little bit more, instead of blogging. :) Ah, I sometimes learn by trial and error, I guess! Off to bed I go!!
It has been an up-and-down kind of month. I took a bunch of pictures on my fun iPhone, and I can't figure out how to upload them to the computer. So... no pictures of our fun vacations and outings for the month of July, at least not yet. When I get things uploaded, and I begin back-blogging again (which I DO still plan to do... someday??).. well, then you'll see some pictures.
But for now, here's my list of things I've done since I last wrote:
-- We celebrated Brian's birthday, at the beginning of July. This was a big mile-marker birthday, and I wanted to make it special for him. But he was SUPER busy with work, so I knew the celebration had to somehow fit around his crazy hours. So, we planned a birthday breakfast party with his family. Waffles with fresh berries and whipped cream, along with eggs and bacon and pancakes for good measure. Delish! The kids and I thought up 40 wonderful things that we love about Brian, and wrote them on balloons that we scattered throughout the living room. They ranged from "head rides" and "the dead bug game" to "he speaks in Spanish with the kids," "he tells funny Arabic jokes," "he has a cute dimple when he gets his 'thinking' face on," "he can wrap Camille in a VERY good swaddle," etc. :) His present this year is a basketball hoop for our driveway. When it cools down a bit, and he's less busy, we'll have to spend more time shooting hoops as a family!
-- We went on an big, long trip to the Great Northwest for two weeks in July. The first week was the annual Hone Family Reunion, which we spent this year at a beach house on the Oregon coast. It was a great place and the beach was just down the steps from our back deck. (169 steps, that is!) Lovely views and overcast cool days, with lots to do up and down the coast. It was fun just spending time together -- seeing sites, playing games, and eating fun food together. Sadly, Brian worked and worked and worked during most of the reunion. It was pretty exhausting, but he was such a trooper, trying to make time for some of our outings, even though that just meant he would have to stay up even later each night. He worked so much that he didn't finish up his project until the very end of the week --after we had said goodbye to everyone and checked out of our house. So, then we tacked on some extra days for a little family vacation to Seattle and Victoria, BC. That was super fun, just being together with our kids and finally relaxing and resting. We got to see our beloved Randilicious in Seattle, and we bit the bullet and took the kids up the Space Needle. Of course, the highlight to them was the hotel pool. ha! We also went to Butchart Gardens in Victorian, and met up with my old roommate, Kurri, and got to meet her family as well. Fun times!
-- I celebrated my birthday this month, and had a wonderful day. It was on a Sunday this year. So, Brian and I went on a date on Saturday night, and had dinner at the Olive Garden, such a nice treat since it's been a long time since we've been there. Then on Sunday, lots of people at church wished me a happy birthday, which was fun. And in the evening, we went to Mark and Dalana's for a fun steak bbq with baked potatoes, delicious salads, and all the trimmings. I even got delicious Costco chocolate cake as my birthday cake, along with homemade cupcakes with fancy sprinkles. I truly felt so loved and spoiled by my family -- not to mention the many fun birthday wishes on fb. Too fun! It's a new year, and I'm following Wade's example of setting some new goals for myself, for this new age. (Although, I admit, I've had trouble getting really motivated about keeping them so far, so I might use his birthday -- Aug 5 -- to relaunch my enthusiasm and commitments. :)) My main present for this birthday was a new kitchen sink!! Yay! Brian and the kids picked it out, and it's already installed and working wonderfully well. I've been wanting one for quite some time, so this is a real treat!!
-- We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary the last day of July. Hard to believe it has been ten years already! I have so many fun and wonderful memories of our wedding day and honeymoon time. We have a digital photo frame that circles through lots of our pics from years past, so I get to see pictures of our first year together on a regular basis. I love remembering when it was just the two of us, and how special that time was right after we got married. It has changed a lot, and has gone by so quickly! I have been richly blessed and can honestly say I have enjoyed these past ten years with Brian more than any other decade of my life! And that's sayin' something--- because I have LOVED my other decades too! :) Our celebration this year was mild, due to a busy work schedule and lots going on with kids. But we went out to dinner and went shopping together last night while Brian's parents watched our kids for a few hours. And Brian bought me a GORGEOUS bouquet of 24 red roses that are sitting on our kitchen table. And, we plan to buy a grill as a celebratory present. Er, I guess I plan to buy a grill, since I just realized last night that Brian doesn't really want one. So... we may be rethinking things a bit. And... maybe we'll take a cruise or something this fall, since we've always dreamed of a cruise... maybe.
-- We took a trip to Utah right after our trip to Oregon and Washington. It was a very speedy-fast trip, but we saw some people we hardly ever see, and it was lovely. We spent an afternoon swimming with our dear Fleming friends from New York. Oh, how we miss their sweet family! Wish we lived a little closer!! And, we got to see the Beck family, (who we knew in London) while they were in town from China for the month. They happen to have a little 5lb. newborn precious baby girl, who we got to meet. Such a treat!! We also got to see our dear friends Mauro and Larissa, who we knew in Boston and in England. They also have a new baby girl, so we got to meet her and see their other kids as well. Plus, we stayed with Alicia and Scott, and relived some Boston memories and has some good time to catch up. It was only two nights and one day of a trip, but we packed a lot in and really enjoyed reconnecting with lots of friends.
-- Next week we've got another trip to Utah planned. Brian is going on a backpacking trip with his brothers and nephews. Fun times for him! We are tagging along to play with Bishop family and other friends in the area. I only wish it wasn't such a long, long drive to Utah, ya know?
Well, that's the latest wrap-up for now. I am teaching a Relief Society lesson at church tomorrow about "making right choices." The truth is, the "right choice" right now probably would have been to work on my lesson a little bit more, instead of blogging. :) Ah, I sometimes learn by trial and error, I guess! Off to bed I go!!
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