But --- [big, long, involuntary sigh]. It just isn't happening.
Sorry.
Today is a down day for me. Probably a day I'd be better off steering clear of the blog, or the computer in general. Especially when I've been offline for ages. Yesterday was a down day too. And Saturday was an "on-the-way-down" day, if that makes sense to anyone?
But see, before the "down" time, I was having an incredible surge of "up-ness." For several days in a row, I was energetic, productive, and pretty much on top of things around here. (Except for blogging, of course.) I felt really good, I was sleeping good, and just getting so much done.
The short list of things I got done while I was "up":
-- cleaned out the fridge
-- did a major grocery shopping trip
-- cleaned out the laundry room (a major accomplishment, as it hasn't been cleaned for about a year -- the DEEP kind of clean-out)
-- swept and sprayed down the back porch for cobwebs
-- took the kids to the library, paid our fine for the book we lost last December, and renewed our card so we can start borrowing again.
-- picnic lunch at the park. TWICE in a row!
-- cleaned out all FOUR of our kids' toy boxes,
-- bought and planted REAL flowers in our pots in front of the house (so the silk flowers can stay in storage until some other unproductive time, I hope!)
-- got up and went walking with a friend three different times at 6:30 a.m.
-- read multiple books, multiple times on multiple days with my kids, even helping Samantha to sound out the letters on some of them!
-- visited our aging neighbor (something I've said I need to do every day for the last five months or so)
-- did a real princess hair-do on Samantha.
-- cleaned out the tupperware cupboard and the canning jars/toaster cupboard.
Whew! Can you believe I felt so accomplished as I climbed into bed several nights in a row?! -- with a smile on my face!!?
Well, right now, on my not-so-uppity day, just writing the list is making me tired. I guess the ups and downs are necessary -- one helps me appreciate the other, right?
But then, my "wondering" of the day is the same thing I've wondered countless times before, on countless down days in my past: why don't I just go ahead and CHOOSE to be "up," instead of feeling all grumpy and irritable and sludgy-- yes, sludgy describes it pretty well. See, just last night I was reading through an old journal, one that I wrote way back in college, more than a decade ago. Can you believe, I was struggling with the very same "wondering!??" I stated it a bit differently there, eventually vowing to do better at just being happy all the time whether I felt like it or not.
But as I read through more journal pages, I could see my resolve didn't really change my mood or my frustrations at the time. And I pretty much just had to weather the down days and try to find things to be grateful for, keeping me feeling somewhat positive, despite the haze. Not much has changed in all these years, I guess! It just seems to be a cycle I go through... a challenge I still haven't learned how to deal with properly. Hmm...
I guess life continues through the down days, too, right? And yes, I'm still accomplishing things, though they don't seem quite so fulfilling today:
-- showered and dressed and didn't forget to put on my wedding rings.
-- made our bed, and Samantha's too.
-- washed and dried a load of laundry, including Spencer's indispensable blanket.
-- held and comforted (and threatened to spank) a screaming, inconsolable Spencer who would NOT be placated, the ENTIRE time his blanket was in the wash. (actually Brian helped with this for awhile until he had to leave)
-- watered the tomatoes that are sitting on the counter, still waiting to be planted.
-- indulged the kids with chocolate milk and Doritos as part of their lunch.
Well, that's my feel-good list for today. And maybe tomorrow I'll get back on top of my game! Then, maybe, just MAYBE, I'll blog for REAL!
:)
