some random thoughts when I should be sleeping

So, this will be a short, random entry. I've just been thinking for the past several days in a row -- about the book, "The Good Earth" by Pearl S Buck. Familiar with it, perhaps? Well, here I am, soooo heavy and uncomfortable, about to give birth to my third child. And I just keep thinking of O-Lan -- the wife in the book, and her third birth experience.

Remember she has two sons, and her husband is so proud and pleased, and their births are so meaningful and special? Then their circumstances change, and they're in the middle of a really tense harvest when that third baby is due. I can't remember exactly, but it seems like if they don't get their field harvested at just the right time, they'll lose everything -- or something terrible like that.

Well, I just keep thinking of poor O-Lan out there in the field on her hands and knees, helping her husband with the harvest when she goes into labor. Then she just waits out the labor while working there in the field, until she's ready to deliver. When the baby is just about to come, she quickly goes inside to give birth -- much to her husband's annoyance. She's gone from the field as long as it takes to deliver, then comes right back out to finish up the day in the field. All she says to her husband about the birth is, "It's a girl."

Not sure why that image of that poor woman in the field keeps coming back to me. Sounds so terrible, and soooo not like anything at all I'm experiencing, or even like anything I've really HEARD about in real life. But still... what a book, to paint such a picture, eh? It's been years since I read it, but I still remember that scene.

It's been a bit of a rough week, though also good in many ways. I've got a lot done, but I've also been "stretched" a bit more than I care to be, both physically and emotionally. I don't know that I'm fully prepared for this baby -- her room is not exactly "ready" and I still think there are some things we still need. sigh. But I'm certainly ready to just be done with this pregnancy. My emotions are so topsy-turvy, and my sleep deprivation is starting to weigh on my decision-making abilities. Poor family of mine who is living with my moment-to-moment ups and downs. I keep losing my temper, poor Sammie, especially. Plus, I threw my hip out a few days ago, so now I'm hobbling around like I did before Spencer came... again. bleh.

The other night I happened upon that scripture that talks about ultimate destruction in the last days, and how those who are "heavy with child" will be unable to flee and will be "trodden down under the foot of man." Oh, I can imagine what that would be like, and thank goodness that's not me right now! I mean, thank goodness there is no ultimate destruction going on around here, or that WOULD be me, and that would be awful.

On another not-so-fun note, I have to admit, I've been somewhat whimpery/whiney lately about something else. I guess I've been feeling a little "forgotten" by some people I care about. I know the pregnancy makes things seem worse than they are -- when I get down I really feel it more than I should. And I know I feel a bit more needy when I'm pregnant, just all around, eh? But more than just pregnancy woes... I also just hate the feeling that I'm losing touch with so many people in my life who have made my life meaningful.

I like to stay in touch, I like to feel like the friendships that have been so special to me will always be special , to me, and to my friends -- even with distance and different circumstances. I know things change and people get caught up in every-day life around them... that happens to me too. But I just wish there was a better way to stay close. I wish there was a better way to cherish those friendships and memories without feeling like I'm living in the past too much, or like I'm the "clingy" one, or something. I like how President Monson said recently, "I am a man of memories." I feel like that, and I love all the memories that mean so much to me. But sometimes I think maybe I'm the only one?

Have you ever called a friend who used to be soooo very close, but then, somehow time and change and life just pulled you in different directions? Then, one day, without realizing it, when you call to talk, you're in such a different spot from each other, it's hard to even know what to talk about? I wonder how to bridge that distance, recapture the essence of that relationship, and feel the sincerity of real friendship again, without just wishing back the past? Because honestly, it's not that I wish back the past. But I do still want the feelings of gratitude and sincere friendship to be real -- no matter how long it's been, no matter how many miles come between, no matter whose turn it is to call.

I'm not trying to sound overly pouty here. Actually, I'm not that frustrated or sad about this right now. But it is something that keeps coming to my mind lately. And I wish I had a better answer for myself, about how to stay connected ... and I'm not talking about facebook or texting or any of "the means." Just reflecting on "the end," I guess, and wishing I knew better how to be -- and keep -- true friends.

Anyway, I believe this post would make more sense if I took time to write it in the light of day, rather than starting it at midnight. But for now, this is my rambling of the night, with a baby kicking uncomfortably inside me, still -- for a few more nights. Good night all!

ps. don't feel like you have to respond here and tell me that I DO have friends who care, I'm not forgotten, etc. I promise, I'm not "fishing" here. I'm just putting some ramblings up here, ya know?