Some more things to remember

I'll be honest, it felt good to write that last one. As much as I was dreading it, and as much as I cried all the way through -- reliving some painful stuff -- it needed to come out of me. And in the process, I've thought of a few more details that I want to remember about this -- some of them aren't even that heartbreaking, actually.

** First, I still cannot believe the amounts of food that were brought to my parents' house from before we even arrived, until after the funeral was over and everyone was gone. It was so touching to see the generosity of neighbors and friends. When we first got to my parents', we had already eaten, but there were two different cakes on the counter, a box of croissants from a bakery, a big ziplock bag of cookies, and the makings for tacos for about 40 people in the fridge. My mom told me her brothers and sisters had loaded up their car with all kinds of sandwich makings, chips, and snacks when they arrived at the airport the night before. And that was just the beginning... another brother brought a huge cooler full of soda pop and more sandwich supplies, Grandma Eva made a turkey dinner one of the days out of the blue, and people from the church and community seemed to come by every few hours with a new offering -- homemade bread and jam, brownies, hot potatoes, pasta salads, banana muffins, etc. At dinner time, three different nights we ended up with TWO complete meals. Once, we even hid ham and potatoes in the oven (which hadn't been used in days), while someone else delivered pizza. We had to laugh at that one! It was really so sweet and so generous and thoughtful of so many people. And, we almost felt gluttonous trying to eat it up and not waste it. My sis-in-law wrote on her fb page when she got home that she had gained 10 lbs in 5 days. I can believe it. Luckily my nasty cold kept me from doing the same. ;( Even though it seemed to be too much at times, I loved just knowing so many people were thinking of us, sending their best "comfort."

** So, we arrived Friday night, and as I mentioned, Brian was still in the middle of a fairly busy stretch. He brought his supplies so he could work at my parents' house during any "down" time. But once he started working, he realized the internet connection was too flaky for him to get all he needed from his colleagues. (Let's face it, my parents live out in the country, so their connection is s.l.o.w.) So, by Monday, he was in need of a good, fast connection so he could really make some progress on his work. That morning, as I was headed to town with the kids, he asked if I could drop him off at the library where he would try to work for a few hours. Unfortunately, the library was closed for Veterans' Day. So, instead I drove him over to McDonalds... free wi-fi. :) As he was getting out, Samantha started making her "order" for what she wanted to eat there. I told her, no, just Daddy was going in and was going to stay there for awhile. "What is Daddy doing there?" she wondered. "He's going to work there for a few hours," I told her. Long pause... "Hmm... I didn't know Daddy worked at McDonalds." ha! Brian and I had a good laugh about that, imagining him slipping into his uniform and flipping burgers for a few hours just to make a buck on the day of the viewing. :) Then again, I wonder what the McD's workers thought of him, sitting in a corner with a laptop, shuffling papers for 4-5 hrs that day!

** I mentioned how Wade's viewing was verrrry well attended, didn't I? And how we ended up staying until after 10:30 p.m.?? Well, we wondered what to do with our kids during that whole long time, but ended up just keeping them there with us. Spencer crashed out on the couch for a good 2+ hours, Nat played or watched someone play someone's phone or iPad, and Samantha "reverently" ran around the building with one of her favorite second cousins, Brecken. They weren't too whiney or bothersome, so we just kind of let them do their own thing, while we visited with friends and family for sooo long. The only down side was that they didn't get to bed until nearly midnight that night... And the next day was the funeral. You can bet I was nervous about how they might behave on so little sleep, sitting for an hour or two during the service. (ie. worse than Stake Conference, ya know?!) Turns out, I worried for nothing. We had another short viewing before the service, and both Spence and Nat were very fidgety and unsettled. Sweet Alicia and Scott got us some paper and pens from their car to hopefully occupy them. And then we went into the funeral. Within 5 minutes, Natalie had curled up on Brian's lap and was fast asleep. Ten minutes later, Spencer crawled under the bench at my feet and was also fast asleep. They both slept almost the ENTIRE service. Talk about a blessing!! Maybe keeping them up all hours the night before was the BEST plan, after all.

** Samantha sat next to me during the funeral, and her cousin, Brittany, sat on the other side of her. They took full advantage of that notepad Scott and Alicia gave us. And, what was so very sweet was that they both took notes about the service. Really mature of them, I thought. And, what she wrote was surprisingly insightful to me. After the service, Samantha asked me to hold onto her notes, which I am planning to put in her book of keepsakes. Here's what she wrote (which she may have copied some of it from Brittany, who is a year and a half older -- but not all was Britt's):
Wade's Funeral Service
1.He had lots of nicknames. 2. ADEWAY (piglatin for Wade) 3.Zwolf 4. Zachary 5. Wade loved to read. Good babysitter. Built forts with hay. Played Star Wars. Swam in canal. Not a fan of school. Good scouter. Loved poetry. Was concerned with everyone. Three farm jobs. Went on a mission in Argentina. Has lived in Boise, ID. Loved gaming. Nice. Liked to stay up late. Caring. Loved his family. Brian, Robert, Wade and Lance are oldest cousins. Always a good photographer. Perfect uncle. Camping is something fun. Blue is his favorite color. Good guy. One of a kind. Good example. Touches lives. Very Smart.

** More than 200 people stayed for the funeral dinner. It was like a huge family reunion, plus we got to meet lots of Wade's friends whom we had only ever heard about. It was a special time, but so sad to me, too. All this togetherness felt like somewhat of a celebration, but the guest of honor was very obviously missing. I got a plate and found a seat (not with Brian, the place was too packed for us to find seats together, crazy!). Then I sat there looking at my food with tears pouring down my cheeks. It was one of those moments where I just couldn't hold back the emptiness inside me. I kept my head down, tried to use my napkin discreetly, and tried not to make any eye contact to avoid an awkward explanation or conversation. As I sat there, feeling so alone, missing Wade so very much, I suddenly felt arms around me from behind. My cousin, Mary, (who is actually my cousin Robert's wife, so technically cousin-in-law, I guess?) was hugging me from behind, whispering in my ear the sweetest, most reassuring things. She didn't really say much, just the occasional, "I'm sorry," "We all miss him," "Our hearts are all broken." And she let me cry there for a few minutes. Then I was better. Sometimes that's just what we all need -- someone to let us cry for those few minutes until we can dry up and move on a little bit.

** The first night we got to my parents' house, we were eating some of those delicious desserts and snacks, and our kids started winding down, getting a little bit cranky. I was sitting at the breakfast bar with my dad and I noticed Spencer getting particularly ornery about something. I called out gently to him across the room, "Oh Spencer, come here, Baby Boy." My dad's eyes filled with tears and he swallowed that lump in his throat as he said to me, with lots of tearful pauses, "I've been saying that all day to myself -- My Baby Boy. He saved our marriage by coming when he did... your mom and I had been married nearly five years with no children... We'd kind of gone our own ways and weren't nearly as close as we once had been. Then, once we found out we were expecting that little Wade Boy, everything changed... My Baby Boy."

I don't know if I can ever say that again without thinking of my dad and his love for his own sweet Baby Boy.

** I mentioned we went up to Wade's house in Idaho Falls on Saturday night, just to start assessing what would need to be done to get it cleaned out and all his stuff stored or divided. Well, with so many people there at my parents' house, kids to be watched, etc., we were trying to decide who should go, who wanted to, who could? In the end, it was my parents, my three brothers, and me. We took Trent's Suburban -- er, I guess it's a Yukon, but close enough. Anyway. It seats seven. And there were six of us in the car. For the first time probably since we all married, we were just in the car with the immediate siblings and parents. And one empty seat. I kept looking at that seat where Wade should have been sitting. I cry as I think about it now. But you know what? That night I didn't cry, couldn't cry. It was another of those moments where we all just felt a little extra comfort and peace about things. I truly believe Wade was sitting in that seat with us, just for that little drive together as a family.

** Blue was Wade's favorite color. It's mine too, I just realized as I sat down to write this. I once saved up my own money at Christmas time when I was 12 or 13, and bought Wade this awesome blue sweatshirt from Big-E (like Kings) as a present. I had to skimp on everyone else's presents because Wade's cost more ... like maybe $12, big money, ya know? I was so proud of it, and was so pleased that he wore it all the time. It was a nice, bright royal blue, and it said SURF in big letters across the front with an iron-on picture of a wave behind it. Good stuff, eh? Well, I wore blue to his funeral, because it was his favorite, and because I don't like black at funerals. For heaven's sake, people! It's heartbreaking and depressing enough as it is to lose someone dear. Well! Black is just a downer. If you ever wonder, don't wear black to my funeral, okay? Wear blue, or white, or red, or anything NOT black, please. Wade's casket was a nice navy blue. I think he would have liked it. Here's a picture or two...


The paul bearers: Lance, Blaine and Trent (brothers), Brian (brother-in-law), Ladd and Shawn (Hone cousins), Brian Alan and Robert (Phelps cousins, who felt more like brothers to Wade)...



**And here's a pic of all the family leaving the funeral together, walking out to the limousines (yes, we got to ride in limousines, and Brian even got to drive one! I think even Wade would have thought that was pretty cool, eh?)

I borrowed these few pics from my sis-in-law, Lisa, because I don't know where our camera is and I know there's not a whole lot to upload from it, since I took very few pictures of this whole sad time. But I wanted to write about walking out after the service. The organist had just started playing a primary hymn, Families Are Forever." Our little niece, Brianna, recognized the tune, since she and her family had recently sung it in their sacrament meeting. She started in at the beginning, then sang the entire song in her little three-year-old voice as we walked to the cars... "Families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan. I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can." It was sweet and light and full of faith and hope. I loved it, and I think a lot of others took comfort from her sweet song as well.

Okay, I think I'm done for now. I'm glad to share these little bits that have meant something to me through all of this. I also want to share my faith, just briefly. I haven't made this a blog of faith, and I'm not sure why. But I believe in God. He has answered my prayers in real and meaningful ways all through my life -- ways that let me know He is there, He cares, and I am one of His own children. We all are. I have felt His hand in this time of grief and mourning. This is part of His plan, too. I've never faced death with the people who are closest to me before. But I have now. And I will again, and again, because it is part of the beauty and wonder of life. It's a sad part, but it's part of the plan -- for us to live, and then die -- for us to greet each other warmly and learn to love each other here, and then say our goodbyes one by one. I've been so grateful to really mourn and reflect on the beauty of Wade's life, the simplicity of his passing, and the influence he has left with us as he has gone. I believe in heaven, and life after this life. I believe Wade's spirit lives on and is not far from us, but that he has other work to do, other callings from God. He's such a social person, I believe he is meeting a whole new set of friends and family to love and serve. And, in a way, it brings me great comfort to know that he has gone ahead, and will be there for each of our family members, as our time comes. Mortality feels much more real to me now, and I'm feeling more and more at peace with it as I reflect, grieve, and move forward through this loss. I am so grateful to have faith that is seeing me through this loss. It doesn't take away the emptiness I feel at not having Wade here for the rest of my life. But it gives me hope for better things to come.

One of Wade's friends put this together and posted it on Wade's fb page...

Wade took the picture himself, about a week before he died, at Mesa Falls, near Island Park, ID. And the Louis L'Amour quote, well, Wade loved to read, and LL was one of his favorites from the time he was in middle school. :) A fitting tribute, I think. We had it enlarged and displayed it at his funeral.

Good night. A little earlier tonight, thank goodness! ;)