Not sure how to make it all better

I keep reminding myself how excited we are to have this baby. I keep reminding myself how very blessed I am to have such a patient, helpful, "available" husband as my companion and partner. I keep trying to remember to be grateful for all the little moments that make my life beautiful each day, despite the emotional instability I still can't quite control.

I kiss my children in their sleep to remember how very precious these little angels are after the chaos of our day is over. And then I cry a little bit, because I'm also very aware that some of the things that have come out of my mouth throughout the day are not the things I want my children to remember about my relationship with them. As I watch them sleep, I can still see the frustration and irritation and distress I'm feeling mirrored in their little faces at those not-so-nice mommy moments.

There's the nagging feeling that I've left something undone as I go to bed every night -- which, undoubtedly, I have. So then there's insomnia, as I lay in bed energetically thinking of all I can do the next day, which invariably sounds far more productive in my head than ever happens when I really get started once morning comes. And there's the aching in my legs that grows throughout the day and usually escalates to unbearable by bedtime. But I know I should be more brave, so I try to focus on the countdown and remember that those black and blue veins running all the way up from my calves -- though very painful -- are not harmful, and will most likely get some better in just eight and a half little weeks.

A day before the funeral, one of my friends wrote to me, "Oh honey, you just need to exist for awhile." That's how I feel, but it's not just from the loss. It's just the whole package -- pregnancy, emotional instability, holiday shopping, Samantha's birthday, family Christmas parties, that feeling of being slapped in the face every time I remember Wade isn't coming back, holiday travel plans, church callings, etc... all this seems to result in me being "fine"one minute, and then, the next minute, feeling like bawling my eyes out over a book the kids dropped on the floor that is too far down there for me to pick up and put where it belongs. Wimpy, eh?

I know what I should do, how I should feel, and even what I should write on my blog for public consumption. (yes, my mother did teach me, and she probably won't like reading this post. ;) Yep, I should be stronger. I have it in me, I know I do. And I know I'll come through and things will be okay, especially if I can just focus and keep my chin up and keep those "reminders" coming -- about being grateful, cheerful, useful, etc. But, then, well... even with all that, sometimes I sit here and think about trying harder to be better, but in the event that I don't snap out of it really soon, then I start feeling guilty which compounds the problem. hmmm....

So, I guess for now I'll take my friend's advice and try to "exist" for awhile, even if that means Mac-n-cheese for dinner tonight and sneaking holiday m&ms from our candy dish in the curio cabinet. And even if that means our Christmas cards go out late, and without a handwritten note this year. And even if my scripture study is sometimes half-hearted. Well... baby steps to this baby, eh? And keep believing things will get better with time, right? :) I know. Thanks for the pep talk.