Expecting... and Expectations

Well, I'm down to the last three weeks before due date. Yay! I went to Target this morning and bought a snuggly, soft wrap for taking the baby out in the cold, and some bassinet sheets, and some pacifiers, diapers, nursing pads, etc. NOW it's starting to feel more real!

It's also starting to feel quite real because I keep having nice, tight contractions. Nothing regular, nothing too painful or intense. They've been coming and going for several days now. But they feel "good" -- like things are progressing, this baby is getting closer to being "ready" to come! I'm relieved, because, of course we're hoping to avoid another C-section, if we can. (I did not like the first one, though Nat's head was perfectly shaped with all that little red-head fuzz.)

I find it interesting that I know my moods and my capacity much better with this pregnancy. It's like I remember what it all felt like, winding down to those last few days. And, it's helping me cope a little bit better this time around, I think? I told Brian tonight at dinner, I'm honestly okay with waiting all the way until my due date... if that's ALL I have to do -- just sit on the couch and wait, or lay in bed and read a book, ticking off the hours. In fact, that's kind of what I did, when expecting Samantha. And... it was a little bit heavenly, I must say!

The harder part of waiting for due date is that I still have lots of expectations of myself right now -- and everyone else kind of seems to have expectations as well. Surprise!! -- dinner still needs to be made, and cleaned up. The laundry doesn't just do itself. The little pieces of paper cut up by one of our darling children will probably remain all over the living room floor until I'm out of the hospital unless I stoop and get them, or carefully supervise clean-up for 20 minutes or so. The kids will NOT automatically wake up and ready themselves for school without a few nudges from me for the full 45 mins until I drop them off. The car doesn't magically clean itself out. Even the pens and pencils don't stay in their little "cup" on the counter without me constantly requiring the pencil users to put them back! Whew!

Saturday night, Brian had lots of work to do (never really came to bed, actually), but I determined the kids and I were going to have a fun little movie night, with popcorn and treats, before bed. I put them in the bathtub first, then went to get a Redbox dvd. I came home and someone had used the toilet without flushing... or so I thought. Turns out it HAD been flushed, and ... it was terribly clogged. My second flush sent disgusting water all over the bathroom floor, while Spence and Nat were still in the tub. What did I do?? I stood there plunging away, SOBBING like a baby, dry-heaving and feeling completely helpless to fix the situation. The more I plunged, the more the water poured over the sides, and the more I cried. (And yes, I had even been smart enough to turn off the water at the back of the toilet, but it wasn't helping, for some reason.) It was awful.

Brian heard me wailing, eventually, and came down to help take over and unclog the toilet. Somehow the kids got out of the tub and got on jammies without getting "contaminated" -- and I sent them upstairs to start their movie without me. Then I sat on the couch crying and crying because I felt so bad that I couldn't handle it all better.

See, in my mind, I just EXPECTED I could be brave and just fix it and clean it up and remain calm and sensible. But instead, there was Brian in there, doing what was obviously beyond my emotional capacity for the moment. So, a good cry was obviously in order, since I was letting myself down by not being able to deal with poopy water all over the floor, pouring out over my bare feet, at the end of a long day with several contractions and no nap. Ah... pregnancy. The hormones sometimes just take over, eh? And if not the hormones, then the fatigue and the overwhelming thought that I'm bringing yet another little darling paper-cutter/toilet-flooder miracle into our life. :)

I'd like to manage my expectations of myself (and everyone around me!) a little bit better. Am trying... am sometimes doing okay with it, sometimes not so okay. Whew. The better ending of the story is that I cried for 10 mins while Brian put his various "instruments" down the toilet and got the clog out. Then I pulled myself together, and helped with the clean-up. Once all the nasty towels were in the wash and the toilet tools were sanitized, I even told him to go back upstairs and work, while I finished carefully bleaching and scrubbing every surface that had been touched. Then I sanitized myself, popped some popcorn, and finished the second half of "Despicable Me" with the kids... even let myself laugh and unwind by the end of it.

See, at the first I said that I seem to know my moods and capacity better this time around, right? And then I told this horrendous story about how I lost it. But THEN, I pulled myself together and got back on track. I think that's what I'm talking about -- knowing my capacity. It's a good thing. And I hope I can stick with it through these next weeks.

Lots going on this week... Samantha starts her choir rehearsals again tomorrow, we're doing a big craft project for the church primary tomorrow, visiting teaching sometime this week, I realllly want to go see a friend I've been missing and thinking of at some point this week, dr. appt on Thursday. and... well, probably lots of other things I'm forgetting, since forgetting is something I do really well right now! :) Soldier on!! Right?? :) And as far as "expectations" go... for now, be okay with whatever gets done and what does not! That's the goal, people...