Post-Partum

I remember, days before Samantha was born -- more than eight years ago -- I was talking on the phone with my mom and somewhat out-of-the-blue she said, "Oh, I don't envy you this next little phase of newbornhood." Before I could even respond she added, "It's kind of like a little nightmare that lasts several weeks or even a few months."

I was naively offended, because WELL!! we were talking about a NEW BABY! -- my FIRST! -- and how EXCITING was that?!? She agreed with me that yes, it was exciting and wonderful, and she didn't say any more negative things.

I obviously didn't understand my mom's sentiments... until three weeks later, when I was up all hours, trying to figure out nursing and diapers and swaddling and binkies and stitches and healing and having another person completely depend on me 24/7, etc. Then it seemed like there was maybe something to that whole "little nightmare" bit. Of course it was also laced with that sweet newborn smell, and the soft feel of her little head and blankets, and all the sweet grumbles and noises and facial expressions and "firsts." I mean, of COURSE it was wonderful, and WORTH IT! But...

There's a lot going on during post-partum, ya know?  Kinda nightmarish, Mom... I admit it now, okay? ;)

This time around has been no exception for me. It's been a whirlwind of emotions, going from the "I'm not pregnant anymore!" euphoria; to the "what an amazing little miracle baby" amazed, teary phase; to the "am I ever going to sleep again?" delirium; to "AM I EVER GOING TO SLEEP AGAIN!??!" insanity; to "did I ever really catch on to nursing with my other babies?" inadequacy; to "how do I keep being a mother to those other three miracles??" frustration; and on and on...

It's all worth it, of course. And I really don't want to miss a moment with this sweet little girlie, because she really is SOOO precious to me!

But...

It's been kinda rough around here, folks. I'm feeling the baby blues and recognizing that although those are REAL feelings, they're not REALLY the way I feel -- if that makes sense? I'm a little lonely, and irritable, and needy. (sometimes more than a little, actually.)And my house is way disorganized and messy. And poor Brian is doing a GREAT job of being my very supportive husband, but I know he has a hard time knowing what to do to make me feel better. Ah, it's all very similar to past post-partum times.

Add to the emotional upheaval, another dimension of a post-partum D&C surgery last week...
A week and a half after Camille was born, I still wasn't feeling very good "down there." Lots of crampiness, or achyness, or something that just felt uncomfortable. My parents had kept Natalie for a full 8 days (BLESS THEM!!), and drove her back to us a week ago Sunday. While they were there, my observant dad noticed I was holding onto chairs and counter surfaces as I walked around the kitchen helping with dinner. "If you're in enough pain that you have to have support to walk around your house, something's probably not right," he commented. So, I went to the doctor the next day, got an ultrasound, and could see plain as day that there was "stuff" in my uterus that shouldn't be there. D&C, here I come.

Six hours later, (last Monday night, Feb 10 at 9 p.m., to be exact), I went in for surgery. I had this surgery after Spencer, six years ago, and it didn't go so well -- remember? That first time, I ended up with a perforated uterus and a mini C-section to fix everything up. I, of course, eventually fully recovered from that original surgery, thankgoodness! But I admit feeling a lot of nervousness going back in for a second round. Really... how many people do YOU know that have afterbirth left in the womb and need a D&C?? TWICE??? Yeah.

Well, this surgery went better than the first, but I still had complications and ended up with a blood transfusion -- 2 units, and an overnight stay in the hospital. My IV lines STILL hurt, a week later, plus they pumped me so full of fluid I couldn't close my hands and Brian and I were both laughing about my poor squinty eyes since I could barely open them on the way home. Ugh. Not so fun. (Brian advised me not to take any "selfies" during the days following that surgery, ha!)

So, I'm still on the mend from all that -- one week out, today. And, I'm still hoping/wondering if everything is truly healing up properly. I still hurt, and I'm still weak and easily fatigued. But I'm hoping that's all "normal??" I go back in for a follow-up with the doctor in two days, and I'm very hopeful that he will say "all is well" and "isn't it great that you've lost so much baby weight, being so sick these first couple of weeks?" or something like that, anyway. :)

I have hesitated sharing this, because it's felt a bit traumatic to me, and I don't want to sound overly dramatic by writing about it. Does that make sense? But at the same time, I want it to be documented. It's like that conference talk Elder Cook gave a few seasons back, where he told a story of a family in a car accident or something, and afterward the boy said, "I hope ya know we had a hard time!" (Anyone else remember that one??) Well, yeah, this post is one to say "I hope ya know it seems like it's kind of a hard time right now!" But truly, I feel very blessed and grateful for supportive friends and family... and especially grateful that it's not really THAT bad. :)

The good thing about post-partum is that it passes -- just like pregnancy. And then there's STILL this amazing baby girl even when all the hard emotions and achy, draggy body feelings are all gone. Yay! I have more to write, about other things, hopefully soon... And pictures. :)