Hello, Mom.
I'm pretty sure you're the only one who reads this blog anymore. So this is a note to you.:)
Actually, it's mainly just a note to the internet void tonight. A note to vent, to talk, to share something with someone. I have been aching to write lately. Thoughts flow through me all day, longing to find a voice somewhere. Here.
Tonight, I watched kids for some friends, mainly so my own kids could get to know theirs better, and we'd stay occupied while Brian is gone camping with the scouts. He's been so very busy lately. Let's not talk and think about that directly, ok? But indirectly, this latest stretch of his busyness is what led me to talk incessantly, like an elderly shut-in, when the happy couple came to pick up their kids tonight. It's what drove me to call my mom right during dinner, then, instead of hanging up politely, I rambled on, on speaker phone to both my parents during their entire meal, just because there was another adult, human voice that actually sounded like it was someone LISTENING to me?!
Wow. I'm in a kind of hard spot these days! I'm doing things to stay afloat. But there are other things that are hanging precariously around me, almost sliding down some terrible slippery emotional slope.
The truth is, I'm lonely.
I'm trying to make new friends here, and I'm having some success. But I'm not so patient. And, I'm back to that spot where I feel the loss of my past friends and memories, and the closeness I used to have with people that is just no longer there. And I feel like the oddity for having such thoughts, because I know not everyone does. Oh well. Somehow just even admitting these things here is healing.
I'm tired. I should sleep. I've been trying to eat better, exercise more, and get more sleep. I've been doing a beachbody challenge since January, to help me stay focused on these things. It's been REALLY helpful. In fact, I'd say, right now I'm kind of to a "rock bottom" spot, emotionally, tonight. But I know I won't stay here. I'll get some rest tonight and exercise tomorrow and I'll feel a little better. I'm learning how these things really do help pull me along and lift me out of the down days I have. I'm also learning (or re-learning?) that sleep is one of the most difficult things to manage in my life. It seems like it's ALWAYS been that way. Eating is tough right now. But the worst is the sleeping. Which is why I'm ending here, and heading to sleep for the night. Good night, internet void.
1 comment:
Oh my dear Daughter, Kamber!!
Thank you for WRITING!! I've been so longing to hear from you through your Blog--through your special thoughts that come as you write!! Thank you!! I'm SO SORRY you're Lonely!! I know for sure how you GOT that way, though--your dear over-worked Husband has been working NONSTOP for weeks, and weeks!! He will slow down here pretty soon, and you two will communicate and share feelings and all will soon be well.....(I hope....)
Also--You have so much love and concern and attention to give to people, that I'm sure people in your new ward and community will soon see how WONDERFUL and FUN you are, and will CLAMOR to become your FRIEND!! :) (...anyway--they will certainly be MISSING OUT if they' DON'T!!!) :)
I wish you lived near ME!! I would LOVE to have you around for us to do things together and for us to sit and talk for hours (or work on projects together--with you doing the work and me doing the Talking!!) ha!! I think of you truly as my very BEST, BEST Friend--second only to your Father!! :) (...and HE claims that YOU are my very, very BEST friend!!) :)
I know from years past, that it's really important for you to get enough sleep in order for you to stay buoyed up, so I sure do hope you're able to be getting enough sleep these days....(and nights...)
It's really fun to talk with you Babe, and I sincerely hope a really, really good wonderful local friend comes into your life soon!! I guess I will have to PRAY one into your life like I did when you were in Third Grade and I prayed for you a good friend and Kerri Wallace moved into our community!--Remember?? (of course--Kerri took her good ole time moving to our community, cause I had been praying all through your first grade and second grade that you'd get a good friend, so.....these things take TIME!!) :)
Know that you're very, very loved and appreciated by LOTS of people, Kam. They just don't take the time to TELL you how you mean so very much to them because everyone just stays so very occupied with their own involvements...! But I know that LOTS of people really appreciate your friendship. And ESPECIALLY this mom of your appreciates and loves you!! Thank you for WRITING again, and-------how 'bout you KEEP IT UP!!??
Lots of Love, Your Mom--Karen Hone
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