I'm All In

It's been nearly five years since Wade passed away. I still miss my dear brother every single day. I look at his passing as a monumental time in my life. That was one of the very hardest years of my life! And yet, I can look back and see that a lot of growth and change has come in my life since then -- in a way, partly because of his death. Good change, though hard. Brian, more than once, has called it a "maturing" of my faith. I like that description and think I agree. I also think it's been a time where I have had to dig deep, and rely on the reservoirs of faith of past years and experiences.

See, Wade's death was different than I expected. That hole, that void left in his absence, was so severe, so dark and silent to me, at times. I'm not sure what I had expected, but the emptiness after he died was terrifying to me. In my darkest hours, that emptiness was overwhelmingly, indescribably heartbreaking, as I'm sure most anyone who goes through deep grief would tell you. The "indescribable" part is especially accurate, I think. And for me, it was faith-shaking. I felt so empty, I felt like he was so very gone from here. I projected my feelings into a fearful future, filled with the same dark, void with every goodbye I anticipate I will someday have to say to all my other loved ones. It left me feeling petrified and faithless, then guilty and ashamed for my lack of faith.

Of course I felt comfort -- at times. And I had to rely on those times to see me through some very real and trying darkness. I had dreams of Wade, very vivid dreams where I heard his voice, felt his embrace, even smelled his scent sometimes. I felt him in the car with me when I was driving alone a few different times. I still do, every now and then. I'm so grateful for those moments, those comforts and reassurances. But I also had times where I questioned and doubted where he was.Yes, I still believed in resurrection and life after death. But all the details of that future state seemed so very hazy and undefined. It felt like his soul had been flung to some far corner of another universe, sometimes. (In fact, if that's possible to go traveling to other universes, I actually think it's quite likely Wade would volunteer for some deep space exploring along that vein.)

Well, this isn't exactly a "quest" story here. I'm not even sure why I felt like I needed to start by sharing about Wade. I guess in a way that is where my "maturing" faith thought began. But I don't feel compelled to share every doubt and question and twist and turn along my journey here. It's not particularly relevant to my thoughts I wanted to share. I guess, I just wanted to give some background into my faith, and where I've been.

Since that time, in these past years, and especially more recently, I've been doing more soul-searching, more pondering and listening, more asking, more hoping and sincerely seeking. It's been refreshing and enlightening. It's not an ending, because of course I have more life to live here -- more growth and learning. But right now, I want to come clear with this declaration of faith: I'm ALL IN! I truly believe in a loving Savior, Jesus. I truly believe He has healing power, and that He has guided my path and soooo many, many others through the ages! I truly believe in a restoration of His truths, and in a glorious resurrection after this life, with a heaven of peace and joy and rest. Not just as some naive wish that we humans create to negate that fear of mortality, but as a reality we can hope for and trust! And when we DO trust, I fully believe that it's REAL, and He is there for us, and with Him, our life is MORE. More everything! More fulfilling, more peaceful, more filled with guidance and inspiration, more open to His will and His plans for us.

It's also true that I'm less sure about how things will look after this life; after losing Wade and experiencing that void and dark hole, I'm not so sure about all the details of exactly where our loved ones are right now... I mean, I believe our spirits go on, but I don't really know how involved they stay in our everyday mortal life, after they die.; the logistics and details are hazy, at best. But I do feel and trust and believe that there is a plan for our spirits after we leave this mortal life. And I believe we will know one another again. I believe the scriptures and the words of prophets on these questions and details, mainly because I know what it feels like to receive His Spirit, and I have felt multiple spiritual witnesses about this.

When I say, I'm ALL IN, I mean this: I made a covenant to try my best to be a true disciple of Jesus Christ and follow His commandments throughout my life, and I intend to work at keeping it, my whole life long. I remember making that covenant, a holy promise between me and God, when I was an 8-year-old girl. I didn't do it because my parents told me to -- although they did think it was a wonderful idea. I did it because I WANTED to. It felt so right and good to me. I have always had a very keen sense of what is right, and have been able to recognized spiritual promptings and guidance from a very early age. I REMEMBER being taught the plan of salvation by two missionaries as a 7-year-old girl, and feeling an amazing, sweet spirit of light and goodness during our discussion. I REMEMBER not being able to understand the one elder who spoke a foreign language and had a heavy accent. We prayed together that I would understand his words, and I DID, entirely. I REMEMBER that special day of my baptism, that promise, and that feeling. The scriptures teach us that the spirit will "teach us all things, and bring all things to our remembrance." I believe that is one of my spiritual gifts -- that I remember spiritual experiences, what they felt like and how they changed me. I remember my baptism, I remember the power of that moment and the amazing peace I felt. That covenant is sacred to me. I promised to follow Jesus Christ and live by His example and teachings. That is super hard sometimes, because I'm so flawed. But I'm ALL IN when it comes to trying.

I made more promises as a young woman at age 21, when I went to the temple for the first time. I believe in God. I believe He is there for us, and He believes in us, blesses us, and trusts us. And I believe the covenants I made in the temple were between me and God, my Heavenly Father. I promised Him that I would sacrifice, that I would put Him first in my life, that I would live a morally chaste life. I'm ALL IN. I'm going to keep trying to keep those covenants, because they are a sign between me and my God. In most every faith, people promise with God, and He blesses them. I am keeping on this covenant path because said I would, and because I have seen the wonderful fruits of living this good life in Christ all my life. I know firsthand the blessings of trying to follow the Savior Jesus Christ and live His gospel to the best of my ability. That's why I'm ALL IN.

I hardly ever talk about my faith or my relationship with God on this blog. But I am tonight. It's a very real part of who I am, and who I hope to become.