Mindless Introspection

I’ve been going through a good phase lately. I’m feeling good, satisfied, happy. Sometimes, when Brian’s home and we have a few hours to be together as a family, I’m almost even giddy. It’s a great place to be, somewhere I haven’t been for awhile.

We’ve had so much personal unrest in that past several months – just trying to sort out Brian’s career and chart a course that works for us as a family. We’re at an in-between “calm” right now (aka, still not sure what the five-year-plan looks like, but going steady on the day-to-day routine and family expectations, at least for now). And I’m grateful for the respite. I like to think of myself as a positive person, generally. Or, at least not a negative person. But I have had some not-so-fun unsettled “downs” this past year. I’m glad to not be having those right now.

I like where we live. I like the spring colors all around us. I like the people I’m meeting at church and in our town. I like our little neighborhood and village. There’s a CVS and Dunkin Donuts within walking distance, not to mention two parks and Samantha’s school. What’s not to like, huh?

Well, actually, there are things not to like (like Brian’s horrendous schedule and our leaky washing machine) but I’m doing pretty well at trying not to focus on those things. I used to be so analytical all the time. I mean, like waaaay back. … In college, and before I was married, I remember constantly monitoring “why” I felt the way I did.

I don’t do that much anymore. And I’m not planning to do it here. But, I have felt it might be beneficial just to jot down some of what I’m doing and not doing right now, in relation to the way I feel about my life, so I can reference a little list when I need a pick-me-up on some future down day. So…

What I’m doing...

-- Reading lots of stories with my kids. We spend lots of spare time on the couch together reading their favorite books or doing activity workbooks together. Today Sammie and I read Roald Dahl stories for over an hour while the other two napped. I want to get the Ramona Quimby books from the library; I think Samantha’s going to LOVE them!

-- Drinking a “green drink” almost every day. Yep. The kind with spinach and avocado. And I like it, surprise! I just want to be a little more healthy, maybe get rid of some of that extra baby weight, I hope.

-- Shopping at Trader Joe’s. That store just makes me happy! They have so many good things that taste good and are good for me, too. I don’t shop there all the time, but I like to get there fairly often. Good eats, and really competitive prices to other grocery stores around here.

-- Napping when I need to, which is less than I used to. I’m growing out of that newborn/nursing up-all-night need for sleep, finally!

-- Praying more often and more sincerely. I could certainly do better still, but I’ve come a ways and it’s making a difference.

-- Listening/watching General conference reruns. I put on some of the talks I want to remember, while I’m working at night from time to time. It’s very therapeutic and uplifting.

-- Getting out and enjoying the sunshine, when we have it. Yesterday the kids and I spent the entire afternoon wandering around Central Park. It was lovely. Just wish Brian could have joined us.

-- Holding my baby as she goes to sleep at night. We’ve developed a bit of a pattern, where I get all the kids into pajamas, then tell Samantha and Spencer they can look at books quietly in their room while I nurse Natalie. I love this quiet time with my baby. I want to memorize her little face, the way she feels snuggled up next to me, the softness of her tiny, sticky hands around my fingers. It has such a calming effect on me, that few minutes with her each night.

-- Holding Spencer when he asks. He’s a snuggle-buddy for sure! And he gets pretty whiny and dependent at times. I’d been trying to get him to be more independent and less clingy, but I’ve decided to just give him that one-on-one time when he asks so sweetly, “I want you to hold me.” It’s hard, especially when he often asks it while I’m on the phone, cooking dinner and doing dishes simultaneously. But I’m trying.

-- Leaving dishes in the sink sometimes. I like to have a clean kitchen when I go to bed each night. But sometimes I’ve discovered it’s okay to leave them till morning. No one is stopping by, and they’ll certainly wait for me. I do dishes when I feel like it, and leave them when I don’t.

What I’m not doing...

-- Laundry. Our washer leaks and we’re supposed to get a new one on Friday. It’s been leaky since we moved in, so I’ve been quite negligent at my laundry chores. I let it pile, then do several loads so we can survive. I have to mop up the floor after most loads. It’s kinda nice to not be staying “on top” of it right now.

-- Playing the piano. I miss it more than I expected. I even volunteered to play in Relief Society at church this past Sunday, just because I really want to play again. Too bad the piano was terribly out of tune. Oh well.

-- Doing Samantha’s hair every day. If we’re not going somewhere, I let her hair go. It’s just not worth the fight sometimes. And it makes it easier to “bargain” with her when I DO decide to do it up nicely.

-- Talking to many friends very often. I talk to my mom all the time, but I don’t get many other phone calls. I get a little lonely sometimes, but I try not to dwell on it.

-- Counting how many poopy diapers I change each day. I was, for awhile, and I started feeling irritated and annoyed each time one of my kids filled up their pants again. So I stopped counting, and I just change each diaper as it comes. Much less stressful, I decided.

-- Cleaning my bathrooms. Not recently, anyway. They need a good cleaning by now, and I fully intend to get to that soon. But I’m not letting it bother me, the fact that they’re not spic and span.

-- Staying up until Brian gets home. I’m still up a lot of the time when he gets home, but I try not to “wait up” for him. We both seem to function better if at least one of us is getting some good rest. Hopefully one of these nights it will be him, too.

-- Pining for Idaho. I miss family, and I miss “home” – especially for my kids. But I’m okay being away for now, not feeling so much homesickness as I expected. I think that’s a good thing.

-- Helping Brian very much. I wish I knew what to do to help him. He is so very weary and worn with his work lately. He sleeps very little and spends very little time with us. And yet, he’s always so patient and calm and giving. He watched the kids on Saturday morning so I could go to the temple. I need to figure out ways to support him better, I know. Being positive helps. But there must be more. I make his lunches, that counts for something, eh? And last weekend I ironed several of his shirts... must count for something, no?? :)

-- Taking many pictures. Our camera battery has been on “almost empty” for a long time now. Finally, Brian took it to work and charged it for us yesterday, so hopefully we’ll start using it again!

This is a ramble of a post, I know. I just thought I'd share some of my thoughts of late, in case anyone out there wonders. :)