Up and down, or down and up?

It's a bit of a rough ride around here, folks. And this little entry is possibly better suited for a journal instead of a blog. But, as I find myself in front of the computer tonight, and as I see that no one is commenting anyway (sniff sniff -- not a single person cared to write ANYTHING about Samantha's birthday??), I'll just use this as my attempt at journaling a bit of our latest.

It's about the Job. As in, Brian's Job. We all know it's unbearable, and we've all known that from Day One, right? (And by "we" I include all you lurking readers who have heard the ghastly tales in past posts.) Yes, we know it stinks. And really, it doesn't do to dwell on the downers. But sometimes, well... the glass seems far *less* than just half full. What's the optimistic way to say there's only a tiny little bit left in that darn glass?? I think we need a fill up, please!

I started off this new year with a "new attitude!!" I set a bunch of goals, and had a GREAT first week of 2012. Well, great, except for the fact that Brian was gone, gone, and more gone every day and most of every night. But I tried not to dwell on that... ate healthy food, did some yoga, read stories to the kiddos, cleaned the bathrooms, and even went to bed at a reasonable hour. For a whole week!

Then, it became Week Two. And well... Brian still wasn't home. At all. So, why bother going bed at a reasonable hour, if HE wasn't?! I had hardly lost any weight, so why bother eating quite so healthy? (Don't worry, I didn't binge too badly.) Also, aren't the kids just as easily entertained by Netflix as they are by stories from mom? And my body was pretty stiff, from all that yoga so... introduce a week-long yoga break. And who cares about laundry, let alone bathrooms?!? All this, for a whole week! (Yes, there were tears, on multiple occasions -- mine, and my children's! And maybe even Brian's, but he wasn't here for me to document it.)

A comparison?
Week One = good.
Week Two = bad.

Week One = happy wife tries to offer comfort and cheer to a very over-worked, weary husband.
Week Two = weary, lethargic wife can hardly roll out of bed to face the kids each morning, even stoops to thinking menacing thoughts about the over-worked husband who rolled into bed at 5 a.m. and is STILL asleep as wife gets up at 7:30! (Imagine!!)

Week One = checking things off lists.
Week Two = chucking lists in the trash.

Week One = making plans with friends, enjoying the occasional, necessary "break" (even though I do feel bad Brian couldn't take one, too)
Week Two = wallowing in front of lame-o Netflix movies night after night, willing myself to stay awake just that much longer, for no good reason.

The only REAL difference, I hate to admit, was the way I faced what was in front of me. I hate to admit it, because I like to blame my downer days on the fact that it really stinks that Brian has to work so much -- stinks for him, especially, and it stinks for me, too. And I like to think that Week Two was WORSE, because one can only take so much of this and then there's some hidden breaking point and I must have hit it as I started into that second week.

But if I'm totally honest?

I just got short sighted. I stayed up too late, and justified it by telling myself I was doing "necessary" things (that really aren't so necessary after 10 p.m., right?) Then I felt exhausted and short-tempered in dealing with kids, then guilty at the end of the day for what I didn't get done and how poorly I mothered my babies. Then I stayed up late again to "try" to get some stuff done, but ended up just feeling slumpy and watching more movies or sitcoms. Lame.

Of course, I like to blame all that on Brian's job. It's easier that way, isn't it?

But see, then I went to sleep at 9:30 p.m. last night (unprecedented!), slept all the way until 7:30 a.m., and -- like MAGIC -- I am back to Week One attitude! Magic, I tell you. I believe in sleep. I believe in goals. I believe in trying harder to maintain that "half-full" perspective, even though I sometimes think it might go against something in my very nature. So, I'm trying again... starting right now with another early night, and hopefully another productive, happier day tomorrow.

There's my journal entry for the night. And for the record, Brian's job really IS absolutely TERRIBLE -- no matter if the glass is half-full. It's just the truth.

But we're surviving. :)