Another Monday

I bought a big bag full of green apple jolly ranchers for Wade for his birthday this year. He loves them. I found them in the bulk section at Winco and filled up a good sized bag. Then, as often happens, I took them home, put them in my pantry, and never got around to mailing them to him. One by one I sneaked them from the pantry shelf, thinking I’d mail the rest of them soon. Then they were gone, and so was his birthday. I also didn't send the card/note that was more than halfway written in my head but never actually made it to paper or to Wade.  In fact, I was on a little getaway vacation with Brian when Wade’s birthday actually rolled around. I know I thought of him on his day … I always remember birthdays. But I honestly can’t remember if I took time to call him. I think I tried, but couldn't get him, so I just left a voicemail message?

Well. Those things happen. And I know Wade wouldn't hold it against me for not mailing him a Winco bag of jolly rancher candies. In fact, I think I told him I ate them all, and he laughed. And I’m sure he didn't even mind not getting a card or letter from me… Not worth regretting, even though it turns out it was my last chance to really let him know his birthday is something special to me.

This past six weeks since he’s been gone, I've thought more about those little things that “connect” me to other people. Those little extra thoughts that really count because they come from my heart. So many of those extras are still in my heart – not on paper, not in little gifts or precious words for the people who make my life so meaningful. But I want to do better, express my gratitude more freely, more regularly. To be honest, though, I am learning my limits with this pregnancy, and I’m having to be OK with letting things stay in my heart right now, a lot of the time. But I still want to connect, in some ways. And, when others have reached out to connect with me these past weeks, it has meant so very much more to me than I could have imagined. It’s something I’m learning about grief… it seems to go hand in hand with gratitude, I guess.

Today has been a Wade day. I guess they all are Wade days. But some days I seem to feel more – or, more accurately, I allow myself to (or can’t seem to keep from) reflecting more on the memories and the sadness I feel. I've been thinking about how there seems to be a fine line between letting myself grieve and mourn, and choosing to wallow, refusing comfort and peace.  

A dear friend left a little book on my doorstep last night that I found and started reading this morning. It’s about seeking healing through the grieving process. It’s a very straightforward read, written in small doses of different thoughts about dealing with loss. The woman who wrote it has obviously experienced her share of loss, and is extremely insightful. I like it. I was intrigued with one thought she shared in particular; she discussed the idea that often when grief is fresh and so very painful, we are hesitant to ever let ourselves not be feeling the agony and hurt of our loss. It’s like the idea of ever feeling whole or having joyful times again seems almost like a betrayal to the one we've loved and lost.

I have felt this way. And, I have seen my family as we've each been going through this feeling. It’s horrific, and torturous. And not really helpful to the healing process. The book suggests that we must remember that it is the memory and spirit of the person we've lost that we truly wish to cherish – and not the grief itself. Holding onto the constant pain of grief does not help us hold onto the memories that are so precious. I hope to remember this more fully.

This weekend was a full one. It was Samantha’s birthday, and my parents came to visit us. It was wonderful to be with them, and wonderful to be very busy for several days… with Christmas festivities, birthday plans, church callings (I did a craft for Sharing Time for the children on Sunday… very labor intensive, kept me very occupied), house-keeping, and hosting my parents here.

And now, it’s been a Monday. I know Mondays are hard for lots and lots of people… the mundane after coming down from a weekend high is not something most of us relish. In particular, with this pregnancy, it’s been extra hard for me because I end the weekend with complete physical exhaustion. I've pushed and given my best to make it a good weekend – either with church callings, or family activities, or both. And then, well, I’m ready to crash by Monday morning -- physically, my productivity is sapped! Add the emotional exhaustion of this loss, and it makes for a very negative equation.

I got the kids off to school today, then crawled back in bed for another hour or so of much needed catch-up sleep. Then I got up and looked at the mess the wonderful weekend left for me, and decided to read that book, in my pajamas, instead of even doing the dishes or sweeping the floor. 

I eventually got dressed and went for a walk around our neighborhood. It’s been a foggy day all day today, and the frost has hung thick on the trees and bushes. As I walked around, I stopped in front of several neighbors’ trees and landscaping plants, just looking at the frosty creations. Wade would have taken some amazing pictures on a day like today. So I cried as I walked along, missing him. Then I went back home and got my camera to take a few pics of my own. Only, let’s face it – Wade had an awesome camera and was getting quite the practiced eye. Mine didn't turn out like his would have. But I enjoyed taking them, having those few minutes to myself today.

Anyway, now I’m tired and I'm hoping for a more productive day tomorrow, if nothing else! Er... wait! Something to look forward to... Brian got us last-minute tickets to go see The Piano Guys in concert tomorrow night. And he didn't even pay a small fortune for them. yay! That's exciting, eh? I will be more cheerful tomorrow. I promise. :) And for now, I’ll head to bed. Good night.