Oct 7, 2017
Tonight, I want to share just a few of my more personal thoughts, just to let go of some of the feelings surrounding them, I guess. -- There’s something about sending a little message out to
the silent internet, the unseen possible audience. It’s somehow comforting to
feel like I’m actually writing my thoughts to someone, instead of no one.
So, here I am tonight. Sharing, because I feel like it...because I need to.
I’m feeling a lot of anxiety right now.
And stress.
And mother guilt. For so many reasons, so many things. I
just feel worried and little bit out of control with how to handle it. Lots on
my plate, lots on my mind, lots in my heart. Not lots of tears, but some internal combustion happening, I think.
I love my kids. I love them soooo very much. And I love
Brian, too. He is my rock, my safe place in life. But I sometimes worry that I
overwhelm him. I come crashing into him, and I am wreckless and scared,
sometimes. And he doesn’t know how to respond to me, how to help me, how to
hear me. And I feel that I’m being unfair, because I hope and expect that he
WILL know what to do for me, especially when I’m feeling lost and uncertain… I
want SOMEBODY to have the answers for me, and it’s usually him I trust to sort
things out. I’m sorry about this. It’s not very healthy and I worry that it is
damaging our relationship somehow. But if/when I retreat, instead of melting
into his steadiness, I think that’s hard on us, too. I think he senses my
distance, and neither of us seems to know how to fix that, either. I just wish
I didn’t feel this way so much. Maybe it’s not so much… But when it’s here,
inside me, it feels like too much. Feels like I need to stop somehow, but lack
the skills and confidence to be strong and come out of my hard place.
My kids feel it too. I love them and cherish them. Oh how I
love them, each of them… with their blossoming personalities, beautiful, soft kid bodies, and amazing little
minds and spirits! They enlighten and fill me with joy and strength. But they
take a lot, too. And their care makes me tired and worn down. And then I grow
frustrated and impatient with their tedious bickering with each other, or their
complaints about helping in our daily chores. Or their incessant “redistribution” of
things that never stay in the places they belong. Then suddenly it all just
makes me feel so angry with them, then angry with me for not being able to
teach them better and help them make better choices.
I worry for their faith. I
love how the Lord has guided my life, and the strength and comfort I get
through promptings and direction from the Spirit. It is very real to me, and
very much a part of who I am. But I fear I’m not helping my children to have
enough opportunities to feel and recognize how the Spirit can bless their
lives, individually. I want them to know, and feel, and trust that Heavenly
Father is their truest friend—that they can rely on him, turn to Him, believe
His promises and His gospel. I want them to feel and see happiness in keeping the commandments, as I have. I want them to see and feel and know all this for
themselves. But I struggle to know how to help them gain this and keep it and
work it into their everyday lives. One of my many concerns with them.
I want to write each of them a letter, telling them the BEST,
most WONDERFUL things I know and love about them. But I’m afraid of my critical
eye… I can see the good, but then I also see where I have failed them, and
where they are weak and flawed, like all of us are. I don’t want to hide those
things from them, but I also don’t think they need to hear my worries about
them as much as they need to know I have
faith in them, I BELIEVE in their awesome potential, EACH of them. I worry that
they each think one of the others must be my favorite, or that I am
disappointed in them. Not true; I love them ALL, EACH with all my heart!! And I
love to see them growing and striving and thriving. I need to share this
goodness more fully with them. These letters to them MUST be written, this
week, I hope.
I’m feeling overwhelmed about a few things… Musettes--my singing group. I’m
loving the music, and feel fairly confident I can stay on top of memorizing it.
But the staging assignment is super stressful to me. We're supposed to build a Christmas Kitchen Scene, with a granny baking cookies and reminiscing about past Christmases. I'm also helping to write the script again. I don’t have a vision for
it yet. And I don’t feel like I’m very well organized with many of the details.
I need to take time to sort through details, do some delegating, get more of a
complete picture of what we’re doing and what we need. I want it to be
beautiful and lovely. And I want it to happen smoothly. I also need to make
some recordings to keep on my phone so I can practice whenever/wherever.
Which brings me to another big anxious subject…
I’m taking a trip to England next week! NINE whole days!
Ten, actually, since we have to drive to Seattle on Sunday, so we can fly out
Monday. Super exciting, I know. Brian has been soooo very thoughtful and sweet,
organizing this trip for me, and even inviting Cindy and Janice to come along. I really
can’t believe it’s happening. But mainly, I just feel sooo anxious about it.
All the travel and connections concern me. Flying, trains, driving in the UK.
It all sounds stressful. Meeting up with friends sounds exciting, but very
stressful, too! I have worked myself up about the smallest details, waaay too
many times! It’s not fun and not fair. I want to enjoy it, and want to feel
eager and excited about it. Instead I find myself feeling so nervous that
something might go wrong. I’m praying for a sense of peace about this.
My Sunday School class is another nervous place for me. I
love these kids very much. But I feel unprepared to teach, every Sunday
including tomorrow. It seldom goes as planned, though I try to plan lots of interesting material. If certain young men are in class, everything is thrown off and we deal with lots of tangents and distractions from the normal lesson material. It's stressful and hard to prepare for. But for now, I think I better sleep and plan to prepare a little
more in the morning. Good night, then. Thanks for letting me clear my head here!
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