Some more things to remember

I'll be honest, it felt good to write that last one. As much as I was dreading it, and as much as I cried all the way through -- reliving some painful stuff -- it needed to come out of me. And in the process, I've thought of a few more details that I want to remember about this -- some of them aren't even that heartbreaking, actually.

** First, I still cannot believe the amounts of food that were brought to my parents' house from before we even arrived, until after the funeral was over and everyone was gone. It was so touching to see the generosity of neighbors and friends. When we first got to my parents', we had already eaten, but there were two different cakes on the counter, a box of croissants from a bakery, a big ziplock bag of cookies, and the makings for tacos for about 40 people in the fridge. My mom told me her brothers and sisters had loaded up their car with all kinds of sandwich makings, chips, and snacks when they arrived at the airport the night before. And that was just the beginning... another brother brought a huge cooler full of soda pop and more sandwich supplies, Grandma Eva made a turkey dinner one of the days out of the blue, and people from the church and community seemed to come by every few hours with a new offering -- homemade bread and jam, brownies, hot potatoes, pasta salads, banana muffins, etc. At dinner time, three different nights we ended up with TWO complete meals. Once, we even hid ham and potatoes in the oven (which hadn't been used in days), while someone else delivered pizza. We had to laugh at that one! It was really so sweet and so generous and thoughtful of so many people. And, we almost felt gluttonous trying to eat it up and not waste it. My sis-in-law wrote on her fb page when she got home that she had gained 10 lbs in 5 days. I can believe it. Luckily my nasty cold kept me from doing the same. ;( Even though it seemed to be too much at times, I loved just knowing so many people were thinking of us, sending their best "comfort."

** So, we arrived Friday night, and as I mentioned, Brian was still in the middle of a fairly busy stretch. He brought his supplies so he could work at my parents' house during any "down" time. But once he started working, he realized the internet connection was too flaky for him to get all he needed from his colleagues. (Let's face it, my parents live out in the country, so their connection is s.l.o.w.) So, by Monday, he was in need of a good, fast connection so he could really make some progress on his work. That morning, as I was headed to town with the kids, he asked if I could drop him off at the library where he would try to work for a few hours. Unfortunately, the library was closed for Veterans' Day. So, instead I drove him over to McDonalds... free wi-fi. :) As he was getting out, Samantha started making her "order" for what she wanted to eat there. I told her, no, just Daddy was going in and was going to stay there for awhile. "What is Daddy doing there?" she wondered. "He's going to work there for a few hours," I told her. Long pause... "Hmm... I didn't know Daddy worked at McDonalds." ha! Brian and I had a good laugh about that, imagining him slipping into his uniform and flipping burgers for a few hours just to make a buck on the day of the viewing. :) Then again, I wonder what the McD's workers thought of him, sitting in a corner with a laptop, shuffling papers for 4-5 hrs that day!

** I mentioned how Wade's viewing was verrrry well attended, didn't I? And how we ended up staying until after 10:30 p.m.?? Well, we wondered what to do with our kids during that whole long time, but ended up just keeping them there with us. Spencer crashed out on the couch for a good 2+ hours, Nat played or watched someone play someone's phone or iPad, and Samantha "reverently" ran around the building with one of her favorite second cousins, Brecken. They weren't too whiney or bothersome, so we just kind of let them do their own thing, while we visited with friends and family for sooo long. The only down side was that they didn't get to bed until nearly midnight that night... And the next day was the funeral. You can bet I was nervous about how they might behave on so little sleep, sitting for an hour or two during the service. (ie. worse than Stake Conference, ya know?!) Turns out, I worried for nothing. We had another short viewing before the service, and both Spence and Nat were very fidgety and unsettled. Sweet Alicia and Scott got us some paper and pens from their car to hopefully occupy them. And then we went into the funeral. Within 5 minutes, Natalie had curled up on Brian's lap and was fast asleep. Ten minutes later, Spencer crawled under the bench at my feet and was also fast asleep. They both slept almost the ENTIRE service. Talk about a blessing!! Maybe keeping them up all hours the night before was the BEST plan, after all.

** Samantha sat next to me during the funeral, and her cousin, Brittany, sat on the other side of her. They took full advantage of that notepad Scott and Alicia gave us. And, what was so very sweet was that they both took notes about the service. Really mature of them, I thought. And, what she wrote was surprisingly insightful to me. After the service, Samantha asked me to hold onto her notes, which I am planning to put in her book of keepsakes. Here's what she wrote (which she may have copied some of it from Brittany, who is a year and a half older -- but not all was Britt's):
Wade's Funeral Service
1.He had lots of nicknames. 2. ADEWAY (piglatin for Wade) 3.Zwolf 4. Zachary 5. Wade loved to read. Good babysitter. Built forts with hay. Played Star Wars. Swam in canal. Not a fan of school. Good scouter. Loved poetry. Was concerned with everyone. Three farm jobs. Went on a mission in Argentina. Has lived in Boise, ID. Loved gaming. Nice. Liked to stay up late. Caring. Loved his family. Brian, Robert, Wade and Lance are oldest cousins. Always a good photographer. Perfect uncle. Camping is something fun. Blue is his favorite color. Good guy. One of a kind. Good example. Touches lives. Very Smart.

** More than 200 people stayed for the funeral dinner. It was like a huge family reunion, plus we got to meet lots of Wade's friends whom we had only ever heard about. It was a special time, but so sad to me, too. All this togetherness felt like somewhat of a celebration, but the guest of honor was very obviously missing. I got a plate and found a seat (not with Brian, the place was too packed for us to find seats together, crazy!). Then I sat there looking at my food with tears pouring down my cheeks. It was one of those moments where I just couldn't hold back the emptiness inside me. I kept my head down, tried to use my napkin discreetly, and tried not to make any eye contact to avoid an awkward explanation or conversation. As I sat there, feeling so alone, missing Wade so very much, I suddenly felt arms around me from behind. My cousin, Mary, (who is actually my cousin Robert's wife, so technically cousin-in-law, I guess?) was hugging me from behind, whispering in my ear the sweetest, most reassuring things. She didn't really say much, just the occasional, "I'm sorry," "We all miss him," "Our hearts are all broken." And she let me cry there for a few minutes. Then I was better. Sometimes that's just what we all need -- someone to let us cry for those few minutes until we can dry up and move on a little bit.

** The first night we got to my parents' house, we were eating some of those delicious desserts and snacks, and our kids started winding down, getting a little bit cranky. I was sitting at the breakfast bar with my dad and I noticed Spencer getting particularly ornery about something. I called out gently to him across the room, "Oh Spencer, come here, Baby Boy." My dad's eyes filled with tears and he swallowed that lump in his throat as he said to me, with lots of tearful pauses, "I've been saying that all day to myself -- My Baby Boy. He saved our marriage by coming when he did... your mom and I had been married nearly five years with no children... We'd kind of gone our own ways and weren't nearly as close as we once had been. Then, once we found out we were expecting that little Wade Boy, everything changed... My Baby Boy."

I don't know if I can ever say that again without thinking of my dad and his love for his own sweet Baby Boy.

** I mentioned we went up to Wade's house in Idaho Falls on Saturday night, just to start assessing what would need to be done to get it cleaned out and all his stuff stored or divided. Well, with so many people there at my parents' house, kids to be watched, etc., we were trying to decide who should go, who wanted to, who could? In the end, it was my parents, my three brothers, and me. We took Trent's Suburban -- er, I guess it's a Yukon, but close enough. Anyway. It seats seven. And there were six of us in the car. For the first time probably since we all married, we were just in the car with the immediate siblings and parents. And one empty seat. I kept looking at that seat where Wade should have been sitting. I cry as I think about it now. But you know what? That night I didn't cry, couldn't cry. It was another of those moments where we all just felt a little extra comfort and peace about things. I truly believe Wade was sitting in that seat with us, just for that little drive together as a family.

** Blue was Wade's favorite color. It's mine too, I just realized as I sat down to write this. I once saved up my own money at Christmas time when I was 12 or 13, and bought Wade this awesome blue sweatshirt from Big-E (like Kings) as a present. I had to skimp on everyone else's presents because Wade's cost more ... like maybe $12, big money, ya know? I was so proud of it, and was so pleased that he wore it all the time. It was a nice, bright royal blue, and it said SURF in big letters across the front with an iron-on picture of a wave behind it. Good stuff, eh? Well, I wore blue to his funeral, because it was his favorite, and because I don't like black at funerals. For heaven's sake, people! It's heartbreaking and depressing enough as it is to lose someone dear. Well! Black is just a downer. If you ever wonder, don't wear black to my funeral, okay? Wear blue, or white, or red, or anything NOT black, please. Wade's casket was a nice navy blue. I think he would have liked it. Here's a picture or two...


The paul bearers: Lance, Blaine and Trent (brothers), Brian (brother-in-law), Ladd and Shawn (Hone cousins), Brian Alan and Robert (Phelps cousins, who felt more like brothers to Wade)...



**And here's a pic of all the family leaving the funeral together, walking out to the limousines (yes, we got to ride in limousines, and Brian even got to drive one! I think even Wade would have thought that was pretty cool, eh?)

I borrowed these few pics from my sis-in-law, Lisa, because I don't know where our camera is and I know there's not a whole lot to upload from it, since I took very few pictures of this whole sad time. But I wanted to write about walking out after the service. The organist had just started playing a primary hymn, Families Are Forever." Our little niece, Brianna, recognized the tune, since she and her family had recently sung it in their sacrament meeting. She started in at the beginning, then sang the entire song in her little three-year-old voice as we walked to the cars... "Families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan. I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can." It was sweet and light and full of faith and hope. I loved it, and I think a lot of others took comfort from her sweet song as well.

Okay, I think I'm done for now. I'm glad to share these little bits that have meant something to me through all of this. I also want to share my faith, just briefly. I haven't made this a blog of faith, and I'm not sure why. But I believe in God. He has answered my prayers in real and meaningful ways all through my life -- ways that let me know He is there, He cares, and I am one of His own children. We all are. I have felt His hand in this time of grief and mourning. This is part of His plan, too. I've never faced death with the people who are closest to me before. But I have now. And I will again, and again, because it is part of the beauty and wonder of life. It's a sad part, but it's part of the plan -- for us to live, and then die -- for us to greet each other warmly and learn to love each other here, and then say our goodbyes one by one. I've been so grateful to really mourn and reflect on the beauty of Wade's life, the simplicity of his passing, and the influence he has left with us as he has gone. I believe in heaven, and life after this life. I believe Wade's spirit lives on and is not far from us, but that he has other work to do, other callings from God. He's such a social person, I believe he is meeting a whole new set of friends and family to love and serve. And, in a way, it brings me great comfort to know that he has gone ahead, and will be there for each of our family members, as our time comes. Mortality feels much more real to me now, and I'm feeling more and more at peace with it as I reflect, grieve, and move forward through this loss. I am so grateful to have faith that is seeing me through this loss. It doesn't take away the emptiness I feel at not having Wade here for the rest of my life. But it gives me hope for better things to come.

One of Wade's friends put this together and posted it on Wade's fb page...

Wade took the picture himself, about a week before he died, at Mesa Falls, near Island Park, ID. And the Louis L'Amour quote, well, Wade loved to read, and LL was one of his favorites from the time he was in middle school. :) A fitting tribute, I think. We had it enlarged and displayed it at his funeral.

Good night. A little earlier tonight, thank goodness! ;)

trying to write... but it's hard.

Two weeks ago today my brother, Wade, was killed in a car accident. Isn't he handsome? He took this picture himself, with his own camera in his own "green screen" room. 42 years old, bachelor.

It was actually about this time of night that he died, maybe a little bit later. He was on his way to California, driving through that stretch of Southern Utah where the speed limit is 80 mph. One of his last text messages said something about how it was going to be a fast drive to St. George, with the raised speed limit. Another of his last texts said "YOLO"... and then he explained, for my mom, that YOLO means "you only live once."

Wade's car swerved off the road to the right shoulder and took out mile marker 76, around Parowan, Utah. We don't know why he swerved, but everyone in my family is 99% sure he wasn't asleep... that wasn't Wade. (And no, he wasn't texting... the texts were from when he stopped at the gas station in Beaver.) The police officers who eventually found him said there had been many accidents in that area involving deer. Maybe he swerved to miss a deer?? We really don't know. But he swerved right, then left, then right again, going off the road into some thick sagebrush.

His car rolled several times and Wade was thrown from the vehicle, even though he was definitely wearing his seatbelt. The accident report says he was killed instantly on impact ... severe trauma to the back of his head. His friend in California was tracking his progress with an app on Wade's iPhone and noticed he had stopped moving and was off the road. So, when he couldn't reach Wade by phone, text, or fb, his friend called the police. They couldn't find the wreck in the night, but discovered him first thing the next morning, on November 7.

The police called Wade's friend, and then tracked down my parents, who were on a trip with my mom's brother and wife, in Missouri for the week. I can't imagine how it felt for my parents to receive that call. Even hearing my parents talk about it was excruciating. They then had to pull themselves together enough to call all of my brothers and me. They actually talked to Brian at our house, and he came to find me and tell me the news.

I was in bed with a terrible cold and sore throat, just curling up for a nap, since Brian's mom had taken Nat for the day so I could recover. Brian peeked his head in the door and I thought he was just coming to tell me "good night." I smiled up at him, and saw tears in his eyes. "I have some very, very sad news for you," he told me. I couldn't imagine, not even a tiny bit, what he was going to say. He told me what he knew, and I wanted so badly to pinch myself and wake up. I screeched out "No! No! No!" over and over again in my crackling, scratchy voice. He held me, cried with me, then let me break free and shout "No!" some more. It was hard to breathe, nauseating, suffocating, excruciating. For a long time. Brian let me panic, then held me again, over and over. For an hour or so.

My cousin Jessica called, while I was still laying there on the bed, trying to process it all. She was crying, I was crying. She said, "I'm so sorry, Kam. I know you don't want to talk, but I'm just so sorry, so sad." Hearing her voice was soothing and heartbreaking at the same time. We only talked for 30 seconds, but it meant so much to me to weep with her for that short time. Other friends called throughout the day. I cried openly with all of them. Our conversations were short, but so very meaningful to me. I've been counseled to write what I'm learning through all of this. Well, one thing I learned is how important those voices of comfort are in such a heart-wrenching time; even if you don't know what to say, even if the person who is grieving doesn't "receive you" as you might be expecting; if you feel prompted to call, do it.

I pulled myself together -- sort of -- and called my parents. They were making arrangements to fly home that afternoon. We cried together, and tried to discuss some details/plans of what to do next. When could/should all the family get together? When should we have the funeral? How would we get Wade home from Utah? What about his truck? How could Brian and I help? What could we do?

It was a long, dark day of tears and more tears. I told Randi on the phone, "I believe in heaven. I know the things I've trusted all my life are real and true and good. I even feel comfort from the Lord right now. But somehow, all of this doesn't fill the emptiness that feels so consuming right now. It doesn't fill the hole that Wade has left." Two weeks later, this is still how I feel, though I don't cry as much now.

We picked the kids up after school and brought them home before we told them. Spencer wanted to ride his bike as we got out of the car. No, we told him. Please come inside for a few minutes with us, because we have something very important to tell both of them. Spencer whined a bit, then followed us inside. We sat on the living room couches and told them Wade was gone. We explained a bit of what happened, and how sad we feel about it.

Samantha grabbed a nearby blanket and put it up to her face, to hide some tears. She snuggled into my side and sat quietly next to me for a few minutes. Throughout the rest of the afternoon she quietly helped me with household chores, put on some soft music for us to listen to, and even looked up scriptures about "death" in the Bible and had me read ones that she thought would be comforting to me. It was so sweet to see her respond so compassionately.

Spencer, on the other hand, listened patiently until I was done talking, breaking the news. He was sucking his finger the whole time. Ten seconds after I finished, he pulled out that finger and asked, timidly, "Can I ride my bike now?" Sweet boy. He doesn't understand, and doesn't feel the loss right now. He only knows that Wade used to let him play games on his iPad, and now the iPad is at Grandma's but no one is playing it.

Natalie, of course, doesn't understand it either. She was gone all that day, and Brian's mom brought her back at dinner time -- and she brought us dinner, a huge help. I told Natalie the next morning, as I was cleaning up breakfast. I couldn't stop the tears, and she was concerned. So I told her I was "very sad because Wade died yesterday in a car accident, and we won't see him any more for a long, long time." She gave me a long, sad look and a sympathetic, "oh," as she stopped to process it quietly for a moment. A few minutes later she asked, thoughtfully, "so, will Wade be resurrected tomorrow?" Sweet little one. If only...

Back up just a bit to Thursday night. My throat had been so sore and I had been so weak for nearly 5 days. At Brian's insistence, I finally drove myself to an urgent care center right before it closed -- just to get a quick strep test and make sure I didn't need antibiotics. The doctor there was the most sympathetic doctor I've ever been treated by. He did all but cry out loud with me. He instructed me to be very mindful of my emotional health through the next days, which was something I think I needed to hear. And he listened to my baby's heartbeat to make sure all is still well with this pregnancy. It was a little blessing to me right then, to have a stranger show such compassion and concern. I reflected on his counsel and his kindness several times over the next hard days.

My parents asked us to try to come be with them as soon as we could; all the immediate family was trying to get together quickly. That Friday happened to be a very busy one for Brian. He had informed his work colleagues of our situation, and they were trying to be accommodating, but there was a huge project that Brian was leading, and it was hard for him to know how to step away and leave the work to the underlings. I'm not explaining it well, but it was obvious to him -- and me-- that he needed to do some serious work that day (and every other day until the deal closed last Thursday, turns out... poor Brian!)

We left in the evening, after the kids were home from school. It was a long, tiring drive this time. Both Brian and I were sleep deprived and hurting. The kids were restless, and my legs were hurting from my dumb bad veins that just ache like crazy this pregnancy -- ugh (those veins will be in another post, I assure you.) We were the last ones to arrive at my parents' house. By the time we got there, they had already decided the date of the funeral, and had a basic outline for the funeral program. I was relieved to miss some of those initial planning details, actually. Everyone said there had been a lot of tears, of course. In fact, my brothers coined a new catch phrase, that we all used affectionately over the next few days: cry-arrhea. ha! It's like diarrhea, only with crying... you just get through one wave and you think you're fine, then another wave of tears comes suddenly out of nowhere. Funny, eh? But it's true; I still feel that way. I can be okay, going along through my day, then all of a sudden, I can't even breathe, it hurts so bad. Tough stuff.


Hmm... Long pause for thought.
I don't have it in me to do more play-by-play here. I'm actually proud of myself for writing this much about it here. I've picked up my journal ten different times, or more. And I'm still not past that first moment when Brian came to tell me; it's just seemed to overwhelming to record.

But with all the hard, rough sadness of it all, there have been some beautiful times too. And I am learning things that I know I couldn't learn any other way. One beautiful moment was on Sunday, when all my brothers and dad returned from a loooong drive down to Utah to visit the crash site. They had been gone all day, and it had been by far my roughest, loneliest day. When they finally returned, around 10 p.m, they brought a sweet, calming spirit with them. I believe it was Wade's spirit, and so do my brothers. They said they had felt him with them throughout their drive, all day long. Well, no wonder we all felt so lost and lonely back at home... Wade was with them, not with us. Does that make sense? It felt so very real, just the absence of calm, and then the return of peace. I do believe his spirit was often with us during those first few days, and that he's now moved on to do other things, somewhere else.

Something I've learned, that keeps coming back to me... Every member of my family is grieving in a different way. Things that are soothing and healing for some, are not at all what others need.And that's okay. We all need to do what is best for our own healing. For example, on Saturday, with everyone all together, we went to the funeral home to plan the program and pick a casket. The funeral director mentioned at the end of our meeting, that Wade was in a nearby room, and was fairly "ready" to be seen, if anyone was interested. For me, this was an immediate no-thank-you. But for each of my brothers, it was soothing to see him, even though he wasn't dressed and prepped for his viewing yet.

Another example, we went to Wade's house on Saturday night, to see what was there and how we should plan to proceed with cleaning things out in the coming weeks. My mom and I had similar views with how to arrange his things, how to best organize and go through things. But my brothers had completely different views on how it should be handled. I am grateful to be part of a family that can move through those kinds of "differences" with cooperation and consideration of each others' feelings.

When planning the funeral, my mom really wanted to have the hymn, "God Be With You Till We Meet Again," sung as either the opening or closing song. It was something that felt very comforting and soothing to her. But my dad really didn't want that particular hymn to be sung; I think he felt it would be to hard and sad to bear. I guess they sort of compromised, and my mom asked me to play it as part of a medley of hymns on the piano. If nothing else, that was a comfort to me... just to play.

Wade's viewing was at the funeral home on Monday night, before the service on Tuesday. It was supposed to run from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. When we arrived at 6:30, the parking lot was already quite full, as was the viewing chapel. An hour later, the line of people zig-zagged back and forth across the chapel and out the door down the hallway of the funeral home. It was actually one of the most touching, moving evenings of my life. And the last "guests" did not leave until after 10:30 p.m.

I didn't like seeing Wade there. He didn't look like himself anyway, and I was glad, because it just didn't feel right for him to be laying there. I only peeked into the casket twice, briefly. But mainly I stood with these hundreds of friends and family members, crying, hugging, reminiscing and remembering this wonderful, dear brother of mine. With almost every hug, this baby inside me kicked or stretched, feeling the pressure of the hug. Feeling that little life inside was a memory I'll treasure from that night -- almost like this little one was pushing me to be strong and happy and remember the sweet memories.

So many, many people came. So many bouquets and plants and cards were placed around the room. One that really touched me was a huge spray of lilies, hung on an easel near the casket. It was big enough, I thought it was maybe one of the ones my parents had ordered. I went to read the little card, only to find it was from "the Graduating Class of 1989, Blackfoot High School." Wow. It still chokes me up to think about it. I mean, how many people do you know who will receive a huge spray of flowers from their high school graduating class, 25 years down the road?? Wade must have had more of an impact than any of us can realize.

And yet, listening to the sweet, kind words from his friends over those few days we were together, and reading the many sweet tributes on his facebook page and in the cards and letters we've received... I'm left to wonder; maybe each of us has more of an impact than we may realize. Maybe that's one of the things I'm meant to learn from all of this.

As I have read through so many comments and cards, I've felt so comforted to feel the love of so many people who also loved my sweet Wade brother. And... I've also felt sad that all these kindnesses are coming after he's gone. I mean, I know Wade can probably read what all his friends have written, and he probably knows what people have said in his honor these last few weeks. He's probably on the "other side" enjoying these sweet tributes. But, well, why couldn't he have had that pleasure and joy before he had to go? Why don't we say those precious words to each other when we can benefit from knowing how loved we really are?? Here and now?!? Something else to learn, I suppose. I wish I could learn that one quickly, and apply it more readily. I keep so many of my thoughts of gratitude and love to myself. I can share more with the people who mean so much to me.

My bishop's wife called, one of those first nights. She told me to take time to hold my little ones and let their innocence and distracted-ness be something to help me heal. I have loved that thought, and have cherished some of the sweet, necessary hugs and cuddles with my babies. I hope to not forget this lesson either.

I've also learned a bit about how I grieve, and it's not so pretty. But it's probably good self knowledge: I shut down, go inside myself, hole up a bit. I loved and appreciated so many sweet comments from concerned friends on my own facebook page, but I struggled to be online and read them, just because it seemed like every new comment reopened the wound... still feels that way, I guess. I stayed with my parents for a few days after the funeral. Mainly, it seems like I made small talk with my mom and dad, played the piano, and tried to sleep. That was just what I needed. I was gone to my parents' house for that week, and, when I returned home, there were 17 new messages on our home phone. It took me two days after returning before I could make myself listen to them. In the days since, I've stood by the ringing phone, crying and wishing for someone to talk to, but have not felt up to picking it up and talking to a dear friend who is calling to console and comfort. I have tried to read, tried to write, tried to clean, tried to "go out" for some kind of therapy. Most all those things leave me feeling more emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed. This is not depression. It is part of grieving, for me. And it's different from anyone else's grief. I'm grateful to learn this. And I hope for some renewal, with time.

I need to sleep now. Mornings are my worst, and they come early and relentlessly. Natalie is sick tonight, sounds a bit croupy. So, off I go for now. Next time I write about this, I intend to write about Wade. Not about what happened, but about the sweet, wonderful memories I have of Wade, and the blessing he has been all my life. I love him and miss him so much. And I am so grateful for his undying influence in my life.

Back-blogging: Hone Family Reunion

Over Labor Day weekend this year, we went camping with the whole Hone family (except for Wade, who couldn't make it -- we missed you, Wade!). It was a great trip, and we all had a really fun time being together. We got a great group camp site in Southern Idaho, with picnic tables, fire pits, tent sites, an amphitheater and lots of space to roam and play. 

There was lots of sitting around the fire, chatting and catching up...

And the little girls all had a great time playing with costumes from Grandma Karen's dress-up box. They even made up some dances and skits that they practiced and performed for us...

Oh, and actually, Piglet, in the above pic, is little *not* a girl, but he loved the dress-ups, too. ;)

This pic of me at the picnic tables is to remind me to tell about the bees... lots of bees this trip. They would come out every time we pulled the food out for a meal. And they were pretty annoying!! We had three people get stung -- BJ, Grandma Karen, and HP, poor things! We took turns swatting them, spraying repellent, doing battle. No fun!

We had a picnic lunch on Saturday, but we didn't find a very good place to eat it, unfortunately. So we all sat by the side of the road in a tiny piece of shade, kind of funny. But hey, at least there were no bees, eh? ;)

Natalie was our little fashion queen for the picnic. She insisted on wearing her swimming suit around her neck for most of the day, funny girl. The hat and glasses completed the ensemble! ha!

We decided to visit the famous Minnetonka Cave, near Bear Lake. A few of my brothers had been before and recommended it. Here's our group, about to go in...

Waiting for our tour to start...

It was a really impressive cave, actually! Three quarters of a mile long, with some amazing formations -- huge stalactites and stalagmites.

It also had 440 stairs inside the cave, leading to and from each cavern. We walked all the way in and all the way out, which meant we climbed or descended 880 steps! Kinda rough on Natalie, who ended up being carried by Brian lots of the time. My parents opted not to go on that adventure, and they didn't even know about the stairs... We missed them, but maybe it was better for them to save their energy??

After, we stopped at Bear Lake's drive-in restaurant for some delicious fresh raspberry shakes. Mmm.... good!!

Funny thing, the kids seemed more interested in the hammock behind the drive-in, than they were in the shakes. Oh well... more ice cream for me! ha!

Not pictured, right after our shakes, we decided to drive down by the lake, like so many people were doing. And... we got our van stuck in the sand. Badly. Our kids were pretty unnerved, and Brian and I weren't sure what to do. We tried digging out, then tried putting some boards down, then some blankets... Finally Brian just had to go ask some guys with a big monster truck if they could come pull us out. In the meantime, the kids had a BLAST digging in the sand, and Nat got to "use the facilities" in the bushes, which she thought was pretty exciting. Chalk it up to an adventure, I guess? And no more sand cruising for us until we upgrade to an SUV!

Here's Brian, messing with the settings on the camera... and messing with one of the tutus from the dress-up box, I guess? ha!

We had a little church meeting at the amphitheater on Sunday, and later, the kids did a little program for us, with all their songs, dances and skits...

These two seemed to be having a "who can get the dirtiest" contest!! They both deserved blue ribbons!!

Some of the audience, at the amphitheater...

More performers...

One cute thing, Samantha told me all the cousins had formed a "Cousins Club." The oldest cousins were part of the First Council of the Cousins, then the middle-aged cousins (including Sam) formed the Second Council of the Cousins, and the little kids were the Third Council of the Cousins. At one point, Brian and I were picking up a bunch of empty pop cans the kids had left laying around camp. Samantha saw them and said, "Oh! those belonged to the First Council of the Cousins! They should be cleaning those up!" We just thought it was cute that they had their own club. :)

The last day of our trip, it started raining right during breakfast. (And I took it personally, because it was mine and Brian's delicious breakfast-burritos breakfast!! how rude, dumb rain!) We all went running to my parents' trailer... all 25 of us crowding in to eat our breakfast in standing-room-only. Ah... it made a memory, I guess. And... it didn't let up until we were all packed up and ready to head home, with wet tents, wet bags, etc. Oh well!

Grandma Karen was extra nice and let all 15 grandkids stay in the trailer playing games and eating treats while the grown-ups packed up and cleaned the campsite. Fun times, huh?

It really was a fun, memorable, relaxing trip. We all went home happy and filthy, and we can't wait to do it all again next year! :)

Back Blogging: Back to school!

I know everyone else put up their first-day-of-school pictures a month ago. Well, it takes me awhile, but at least we actually did TAKE pictures of our cute kids on their first day. They're at a new school this year -- one with a bilingual curriculum. So, Samantha and Spencer spend half the day learning in English, and the other half of the day is in Spanish. It's been especially fun to hear Spencer come home telling me new words in Spanish -- colors, numbers, animals, etc. He's picking it up really quickly. Samantha is too, though she feels a bit more challenged, since most of the kids in her class started learning in Kindergarten, and she hasn't done any Spanish since preschool.

Anyway, they're both doing really well and they both really enjoy school so far. I just had parent-teacher conferences today, and got good reports about both kids. Spencer's favorite part of school is "making crafts and projects in art time." Samantha's favorite part is "history and geography -- in English." Here are some individual pictures of our cuties in their uniforms...

So, let's hear it for the whole back-to-school routine!! Happy kids = happy mom and dad, right?

Well, if I'm totally honest, the early mornings are about to whip my pregnant bottom., in a I-can-hardly-keep-my-eyes-open-by-2pm way!! Brian said the other day, "I was worried about the kids being really worn out by the long days and early mornings. But really, it's YOU that's getting worn out!" It's true. I still can't talk my body into wanting to get up at 6:45. It's just not natural to me, ya know? I keep thinking, man! I had sooo much more energy when I was expecting Natalie. Well, yes, and I had one preschooler who went to class twice a week at 9:30 a.m. Yeah, this is different -- an adjustment. Oh well. I'll survive, eh? ;)

Again, I say, let's hear it for the whole back-to-school routine! :) :)

Twenty-week scan... halfway to baby!!

So, we had our twenty-week scan of our little baby this week. It was super exciting to see all the movement and wiggling, etc. A few cute pics (that look a lot like all the other ultrasound pics we've had of our other babies, of course...)

And, if you're looking for some more specific anatomy pics... well... we don't have any, because this baby is a SURPRISE! That's right, we have 18-and-a-half more weeks to go before finding out if this little one is a boy or a girl. Are we old fashioned or what?! ;) Actually, this is Brian's special request. We had a surprise with Samantha, and he really, really loved it. So, after two "nonsurprise" babies (Spence and Nat), we are having one more surprise this time. Yes, that means I'll be buying pink AND blue, to resolve the "I have to plan" that every other mother tells me is the reason she could NEVER do a surprise. ;)

But secretly, I'm still thinking it's a boy. I'm not good at spotting things in ultrasounds, so I don't have very reliable information to back me up here. Plus, I really did turn my head and try not to look when the technician told us she was checking "down there." But hey, I might as well think it's one or the other, eh? And if it's a girl, well, then all the more a surprise it will be to me, right? Plus, we'll probably be more likely to agree on a name, if it's a girl, since Brian's very noncommittal about boy names. ha!

Anyway, even though we didn't find out what we're having, it was miraculous to see this little person on the big screen, kicking and wiggling and opening his little fists and pumping all that blood through those beautiful little heart chambers. Amazing!! It's a relief to know he's healthy and strong and growing according to schedule. Can't wait for him/her to get here... then maybe I will feel like I have more of a REASON to be so tired all the time??

My Cute Kids

This past Sunday was our church's primary program, where all the children sing and share scriptures, stories, personal experiences, etc. during the Sacrament Meeting hour. It took a lot of work to get everything organized, but we had a really nice program, and the kids all did a great job. I especially loved seeing MY cute kids be a part of it all. They were so cute and sweet, and said their parts really well. After it was over, I took some pictures of them, all spiffed up in their Sunday best....

Samantha had the idea to take some two-sibling shots, so we did. This one of Spence and Natalie is so cute to me...

And, a cute "sisters" picture...

And, some individual shots. Natalie would not keep her dress down. It's kind of one of her "things" we're working on, sometimes not very successfully. :) Look at that eager smile...

Our little Sammie Sue. She's wearing her baptism dress, even though it's still a couple more months before she will be old enough...

 Spencer, all decked out in his suit. Daddy had to be really persuasive to get him to wear a suit -- it's just not Spencer's thing right now. But I thought he looked so super handsome! We'll see if we can get more than one wearing out of the cute suit while it fits him, eh? ;)

And, of course, the photo shoot ended like this...

Samantha is old enough that she can be baptized by the end of this year -- once she turns 8! Her class consists of five or six little girls, all 7 or 8 years old. They each talked about the importance of baptism, and then they sang a sweet song about baptism, just the five girls, all in their little white dresses. It was really sweet and touching. We had them pose for a picture after, so cute...

That's all there is to share about the primary program, unless you want to hear about me being the lucky "helper" who got to sit my pregnant self right by the podium for the whole meeting, helping each child say his or her part into the microphone. Or, if you want to hear about how I stayed up till 1 a.m. making rice krispie treats for all 80 kids as a "thank you" for participating? Or, if you'd like to hear about how I carefully reformatted the program with bigger print, bold highlighted names, sleeve protectors, etc, so the children could read it more easily -- and then how I FORGOT it at home and had to go screeching back to the house to get it 3 mins before the meeting started? Or how I also got volunteered to lead the music, kinda last minute? Or, how nice it was for Brian's parents to come sit with our kids (and watch the program), since both Brian and I were up on the stand for the whole meeting?? Yep, it's been fun being in the primary! :)

Here's one last picture from last night. Brian and the kids went to visit our neighbor for a few minutes while I was at a meeting, and she took this sweet picture of my cuties and their Daddy. I love them all! :)

Oh, and one other thing I'd like to remember from Sunday... Brian didn't have any early-morning meetings, so he got to be HOME with us for once, all the way until it was time to go to church. It was heavenly! He's only been part of the bishopric for three months now, but it's been long enough for me (and him) to really appreciate a little break for some family time. We had a delicious ham-n-egg breakfast casserole that I had assembled the night before. And we leisurely took our time getting ourselves and the kids ready for our 11 a.m. meeting. It was sooo nice to have Brian home, and have his help getting us all ready and out the door! It didn't even get chaotic until the very end, when I was rushing around doing last-minute program stuff right before we headed out. :) Here's to being grateful for what I used to take for granted! ;) :)

About Not Blogging

"You haven't blogged for a long time," my mom told me the other night as we were talking on the phone. Should I take this as a hint? Or maybe... it's just that she's right, eh?

Well, so, I've been "not blogging" for a long time now, and the sad thing about not blogging is that the longer I "not blog" the less "bloggery" I feel. I know you know what I'm talking about, if you've ever tried to blog, right?

This will not be my most inspired attempt, but at least it's a starting point. I've toyed with the idea of just listing the things that make me not blog. But how boring would that be?

So instead, I will tell you about my last few days/weeks, etc. Might be just about as boring as not blogging, but hey, I'm baby-stepping back into this whole blog business. Cut me some slack, please. (And I write that mainly to myself, because I'm the one who reads back through and sometimes thinks, that was lame, Kam.)

So, starting with today:
I woke up at 5:47 a.m. to a piercing scream from Natalie, who had fallen out of her bed. Brian actually woke up first, and was out of bed and headed to her room by the time I was really stirring, so I let him put her back to bed while I took a trip to the bathroom. (Third trip since midnight, lovely pregnancy stuff.) I rubbed the backs of my legs awhile before coming back to bed, because they just ache in the night in a bad way, worse right before dawn. ouch! Then, of course, I couldn't get back to sleep, so I laid there and listened to Brian also not going back to sleep, until he finally got up around 6 and went into the other room to exercise. Then I eventually managed to get back to sleep for 20 minutes or so before it was 6:50, time to get the kids up for school. We made a deal that we'd start getting up ten minutes earlier, so there wouldn't be such a hectic rush to get out the door by 7:45. It was still hectic, but I managed to get them to school on time this morning, and didn't even yell. Whew! Then Natalie and I went for a walk with my friend, Kathleen and her daughter, Lydia. Nat feels humiliated to have to ride in the stroller with Lydia, but she endures as best she can. After walking, we came back home and Natalie hid with the iPad for a long time, and I let her, since she hasn't watched any PBSkids all week. And I worked on laundry and dishes from last night, and talked on the phone. After lunch I talked with Brian for awhile and worked on more laundry -- going on the 6th or 7th load today. That's basically all I got done all day, and it's still piled around me on the couch waiting for me to finish blogging and get back to work. :) Dinner was fettucine alfredo, with chicken and broccoli, and fresh corn on the cob and tomato slices. The kids trashed their room after dinner. We put up the bunk beds for them last week, and they usually trash the room every evening, playing some kind of "dodge whatever I throw at you off the top bunk" game. I ignore it and hope no one gets hurt, because that seems easier than trying to referee.  I left the mess tonight, figuring it would return first thing tomorrow since it's Saturday anyway, eh? No nap for me today, so I'm tired, crampy and nauseated tonight. But hopefully it will all feel a little better in the morning. Maybe the kids will let me sleep in?? I'm feeling this baby move quite a bit tonight. So fun.

But let's talk about yesterday, because it was more fun:
It was my go-out-and-do-something-fun day. But first it was not so fun, because the kids were draggy and slow in the morning, and I kept having to remind them to do things like put on their socks, put their homework in their bag, brush their teeth, etc. Then Samantha couldn't find her shoe, so we ended up being late. Spencer cried all the way to school and begged me to walk him to his class. So I did, in my just-woke-up clothes and hairdo. Not my best mothering moments there, in all the hysteria of being late. But I guess we all survived, eh? And then Nat and I went walking with our friends before coming home to start the fun part of the day. My sis-in-law Dalana and I planned a fun shopping outing, heading to some good thrift stores. And, we stopped at Kneaders for lunch. The shopping was good, and I came home with some new pregnancy sweaters and pants, as well as some nice kids clothes, including some "comfy shoes" for Natalie (her words, not mine). But the turkey sandwich from Kneaders tops my list of good-things-of-the-day. I could eat a turkey sandwich every day of this pregnancy -- and have, on many days! This one was on rosemary foccacia bread, with bacon, avocado and monterrey jack cheese, oh my! Pretty amazing. I tried their portabella artichoke soup as well, which I'd definitely get again. And, I also picked up a key lime tart as a treat for Brian and he let me have a bite later that night. Also pretty amazing. I love that Kneaders place. mmm! One funny thing about shopping with Dalana -- I went to pick her up, and we were both wearing three-quarter-length neutral color striped shirts, almost looked like matching (minus my belly!) I love when that happens, so funny! After shopping, I raced home to beat the kids off the bus, then got them started on homework while I took a little nap before picking up my nephew, John, to teach the kids piano lessons. Spencer cried about the lessons, for the third or fourth week in a row. So, I said we'll take a piano break for Spence until after the baby comes. Sometimes that's just the way things have to go, eh? We had a late dinner because of piano lessons, but the kids sang my praises anyway because I made mini-meatloaves in the muffin tin, which they adore. And then they had a somewhat rough bedtime, because it was nearly 9, and they were overtired. Brian and I were asleep by 10:30, which is good, for us -- and somewhat unusual.

And Wednesday:
That's the day I finally finished the salsa. I whined about it all day Monday, but the kids were out of school and I just did NOT want to drag out the mess and try to stay focused on it while doing all the kid stuff. Anyone blame me? So I got it started on Tuesday, even though I felt crummy (feverish, headachy, exhausted...). I peeled tomatoes and chopped them from 10:30 a.m. until nearly 3 p.m. (That's four and a half hours, people!! just sitting in a chair, chopping juicy, ripe tomatoes... 30 cups!) My plan was to chop the other stuff after dinner and kids were off to bed. But nope. No energy on Tuesday evening. So I saved it until Wednesday, and chopped all the other stuff all morning (the onions just about killed me, all that crying!) and put in the first pints to process right after I picked up the kids from school. That was my best batch of salsa, of the three batches I've done in the past few weeks. The tomatoes were really ripe and sweet, so it's a gorgeous dark red color. And the texture is thick and chunky, and has a great balance of flavors (though I secretly wish it had a little more zip to it... my kids and Brian don't like spicy, so we stay mild, sad but true). By the end of the day, I had all the canning stuff packed up and sitting on the counter to go out to the garage. Hooray! Ready to be done with canning for this season. It's been fun, but it is sooo time consuming. Now I can maybe get my house in better shape, or go do something fun when I feel like it?

Tuesday:
I already wrote about the canning, so I won't share all that again. But I will share a cute Samantha tidbit. She tried out for a local children's chorus last week, and she made it. yay! So, her first rehearsal was Tuesday evening. I got to go sit and watch her, which was thoroughly enjoyable. She is so enthusiastic and has such a sweet voice. I could pick her out, even with 30 other little girls singing. The teacher drew a staff and treble clef on the board and asked the kids if they knew what it was. Samantha had the right answer. When Mrs. Walker praised her, Samantha shrugged and said, "well, I take piano lessons, so I just know." (We'll work on modesty. ;) It was treat to spend some one-on-one time with her, and to see her doing something she loves. I was proud of myself for just praising and appreciating her, and for refraining from telling her to keep her fingers out of her mouth and other little criticisms that I could have mentioned but didn't. :)

Monday:
Kids were out of school for a teachers in-service day. I wanted to go do something fun with them, but I didn't have a lot of energy, and kept telling myself I was going to start on that salsa. So, instead, we spent a couple of hours completely organizing our upstairs family room/play room. We played a Simon Says game, where I would tell them Simon says to pick up 25 legos and put them in the blue box. They loved it. Funny how they MIND when Simon says... a lot better than when Mom says! ha!

Sunday:
Was a bit of a rough one. I went to bed too late, slept terribly, and woke up feeling very overwhelmed and under-prepared for church. It was one of those days where, if I didn't have responsibilities at church, I would have taken a sick day for sure. But instead, I .... well, I kept asking the kids to do things to get ready (put on shoes, find scriptures, etc.) and they kept doing nothing to get ready. So, when it was time to leave, there were missing shoes and tears and a mad mom who took Spencer's tithing and put it on the fridge because he wasn't minding or listening but was just playing with his money. By the time we got to the parking lot, the tears were mine (and Spencer's too, actually), and it was one of those moments where trying to stop crying only made it worse. Much worse. The kids were like, "why are you crying? And why can't you just stop?" And I was like, "I can't stop. I can't do this. I can't be the Mom today." Not fun. Samantha took Natalie and went to foyer to wait for me and Spence to pull it together. Spence got a grip sooner than I did, so he left me and went in to be with the girls. I let it all out for several minutes before I finally got enough control to apply some superficial mascara and lipstick. And... off we went. Brian was conducting and kept trying to make eye contact with me, to see why I traipsed in 15 minutes after the meeting started. And I avoided eye contact the entire meeting because if I looked at him, I knew I'd break down again, and I didn't have any tissues in my bag, of course. Ah... well, it all got better after that. I didn't relapse, and I was able to do my part to get our primary program in shape (it's this coming Sunday, wish us luck!) Then I went home and made sandwiches for the kids, put them in front of some church movies, and took myself to bed for a long nap. Brian had a long, busy day, and finally made it home for the night after the kids were fast asleep. Some days are like that. I wrote it all here, just to remind myself that it's okay, and it all ended up alright, and crying about it didn't really help anything, but in the long run it also didn't really hurt anything either. Chalk it up to pregnancy, I guess?

I'll stop with the daily journal. Okay? Can you see why I'm not blogging these days? :) I will take some more fun pictures of the kids and put them up here sometime soon, kay? Or I'll back-blog about our trip to Hawaii or our Hone camping reunion over Labor Day. I promise, I'll get back into blogging soon. And I'll make it real, and fun too.

Bye for now!

On Pregnancy, Birthdays, and Blogging

Hello, faithful readers -- all two of you who still lurk around to see if I might come back and write some more here! I'm back, sort of. Actually, I'm pregnant -- and not just sort of. :) so NO WONDER I've not been blogging, right?! That explains a lot, phew!

Well, I've already announced this magical, fourth little miracle to facebook, which means all of you already know our exciting news. But hey, this is the family blog! This kind of news needs to be reported and celebrated on the blog, right?!

Pregnancy details...

So, 13 and a half weeks, and counting. How exciting! Our baby is as big as a jumbo shrimp, or a pea pod, or... what else is slightly larger than a lime, but still smaller than a lemon? Well, that's what we've got, and we're calling this one a "he" because... well, just because. No, I've had no revelation, inspiration or inkling feeling that we're getting a boy this time. But to even the odds, we might as well call him a "he" for the time being, right? Spencer and I are voting blue, our girls are voting pink, and I'll go ahead and cast Brian's vote for one more blue, even though I'm totally putting words in his mouth here. :) Anyone else care to vote??

The details of this pregnancy -- have you been wondering?? Well, you probably don't really want to know too much. But so far it's been my roughest and most nauseating, by far. I've had lots of weeks of not-much-food-staying-down, and can't-keep-my-eyes-open-for-more-than-two-hours-at-a-time, and it's felt kind of overwhelming at times. But I have good help (named Brian!), thoughtful, kind friends and family (Dalana, Mom Bishop, Gina, Ann, Cindy, etc.), and patient kids, which really has helped. I keep teasing that I might write a book called "Parenting from the Couch," since that's what I've been trying to do for the last two months. (It's not very effective, btw, and probably would not be a top seller!)

The good news is, I think I'm getting closer to turning a corner, nausea-wise. So, looking on the bright side... right? :) :) In a few more weeks, maybe I'll be in that middle stretch where I feel pretty "normal" and good. (Fingers crossed!!)

Things I'm not blogging about...

Obviously, since I've been so unwell, the pregnancy has been paramount on my mind. And, the rest of the summer has just sort of "happened" around me. I'm sad that I haven't blogged (or even journaled!) about some really sweet, memorable happenings this summer. But everything has sort of seemed nausea-laced to me, (including the computer), so I haven't felt up to writing about things. But for the record, here's a quick list...
-- I went to Girls Camp as one of our ward leaders for a few days. It was super fun and I was so glad to be there with our girls. I had to leave early, to go to my grandma's funeral. But the time I spent there was really inspiring and was a nice break for me.
-- Brian's parents celebrated their FIFTIETH wedding anniversary this summer! We worked together with all the siblings and Aunt Cindy, and threw a huge open-house reception for them at the end of June. It was beautiful and so sweet to be part of their special time.
-- After the reception, we took a week-long reunion trip with Brian's family, to the Oregon coast. We all stayed in a big house together and planned outings together and had so much fun being with everyone. It was a hard trip for me, but I loved being there even though I felt pretty queasy a lot of the time. We even spent an afternoon at my favorite beach in the world -- Indian Beach, at Ecola State Park... probably my favorite moments of the trips, right there.
-- My kids have spent time at pools, parks and play dates quite often this summer, thanks to my sweet friends who have invited them to join, even when this momma was too sick to do a lot of the traditional summertime outings.
-- We spent a weekend at a remote cabin in the Sawtooth Mountains with some friends. I magically kept food down and felt good for almost two full days. I think it was the gorgeous surroundings, or the distraction of good company. It was a great respite for me, and the kids LOVED roaming free, riding bikes, and wading in the shallow river right in front of our cabin. Super fun!
-- We celebrated two important birthdays in our family -- Brian's and then mine. Brian's was actually while we were in Oregon with his family. I confess, I have not been in a store since the first of June, so his birthday-tlc was scarce, poor guy. :(  But his family made up for my lack of planning and energy, and put up streamers, birthday signs, and made cake for everyone to share. Man I love that guy... I still have birthday ideas for him, though they'll be a month (or more?) late.

Birthday girl

Speaking of birthdays, mine was a sweet one. The kids helped Brian do some shopping and clean up the house for me. Natalie came into my room the night before my birthday and said, "I need to tell you something. We bought you a hot air balloon... But don't tell!" And off she ran, knowing she'd just dropped a secret. ha! The "hot air balloon" turned out to be a big foil balloon that the kids loved for three days until it got stuck in our ceiling fan. :)

In the morning, we went to a Pioneer Day celebration for our church. They had a big pancake breakfast, then the kids got to be in a parade. We all dressed us up like pioneers and took old-time pics, they had face painting, fresh scones, a dunking booth, cupcake walk, snow-cone machine and other pioneer games. It was quite the party. (I think the pioneers would have thought it was pretty fancy!!)

In the afternoon, I took a nice nap while the kids helped Brian wrap presents and bake a cake for me. Then I got to open their sweet gifts -- a jewelry box with family photos in frames all around the sides, a 500-piece puzzle from the dollar store, a little "I love you Mother" plaque, and... a KITCHEN-AID mixer!! I've been wanting one for sooo long, but wow! That was quite the birthday surprise! Can't wait to try it out, hopefully soon. That evening we went to dinner at Olive Garden with Mark and Dalana, while Brian's parents watched our kids. Good food, sweet company, and a nice ending to a good day.

And now, I'm a year older, and feeling VERY conscious of it! Hmm... I had a lot of thoughts I wanted to write about this, but well... not tonight. I'm just very glad to be where I am at this point in life. And that's a good thing, right?  :)

Goodbye for now, blog. I want to write more. Promise. I even have pics of lots of the outings and things I wrote about here. Someday...

My Grandma Fern

My grandma passed away on June 4, 2013. She was 86 years old, and was a wonderful, strong, courageous woman. I am one of her 59 grandchildren -- her first granddaughter. I miss her, and this post is for her.

A couple of weeks before we left on our trip to Boston and New York, my mom called one evening to tell me that her mother, Grandma Fern, was in the hospital after another major heart attack. In the previous few months she had suffered three or four different heart attacks. After this one, the doctors informed her and her children that her heart was operating on less than 17%.

Along with the heart attack, they suspected other problems, including kidney and/or bladder cancer, and internal hemorrhaging. With her heart functioning at such a reduced capacity, they were hesitant to operate, but suggested an initial laparoscopy to locate problem areas. Grandma refused, and told them she did not want any surgical procedures at all. Her children discussed with the doctors -- and with her -- and decided to take her home to their homes, and arrange for hospice care to make sure she was comfortable and not in pain.

She spent her remaining weeks in the care of her sweet daughters and daughters-in-law, in their homes, as she had been for the last few years of her life. On the day she passed away, she spent the afternoon and evening surrounded by almost all of her nine living children and their spouses. They sat around her bedside and sang songs together, told stories, and reminisced with her about some of their favorite memories of her as a mother. She was quite lucid, but at times seemed to drift. She thought it was Christmastime, and kept asking them if it was snowing outside. She asked her daughters to take some money from her purse and buy Christmas presents for all the grandkids.

One sweet incident my mom told, that I don't want to forget... At one point in the afternoon, she asked her youngest son, Rick, if he could get "four $5s" out of her purse for her. He found the money (though her children cared for her, they always made sure she had her "own" money in her purse, as she occasionally liked to give it out to them or to grandkids, for various little gifts and trinkets). Grandma held the $20 in her hand and whispered to Rick that "this is for Karen. Is Karen here?" My mom came to her side and told her, "I'm here, Momma."
"This is for you, Karen. I want you to take this money and buy yourself something really nice."
"Thanks Momma. Maybe I'll go buy some nice perfume or something?"
"I don't know what kind [of perfume]... but buy something nice."
At that point, my mom's younger sister Robin walked into the room and saw my mom taking the $20. She sat down next to her mom and, teasing, said, "Are you giving out money, Momma? Did you just give Karen $20??" Grandma nodded that yes, she had given the money. As when they were children, Robin pretended to protest and said, "Well, how come you're giving Karen money, and not me??"
Grandma was quiet for a moment, then shook her head a little and whispered, "Karen works!"

Everyone laughed out loud at this. It's true, my mom was the oldest of their family of nine children. And she did, indeed, work very hard, right along side her mom for years and years, helping to care for so many younger siblings. I love that she was able to get that time with her mother, and that parting tribute -- one last little gift from Momma.

In the evening one of Grandma's sons gave her a priesthood blessing, releasing her spirit from this life. She passed away just before midnight, with some of her children attending her bedside.

I got to see her one last time before she died, as our family was leaving for Boston. We spent the evening with her at my Aunt Darla's house. She was so sweet and kind, though it was easy to tell she was in pain and was extremely tired. I spent time sitting at the foot of her bed, talking to her and listening to her talk to her son, Rick, and his wife, Janell, who had also come to visit that night. She told me several times, "I'm so glad you came, Kamber. It's so good to see you. You have such a beautiful family." I'm sad to admit, I forgot to take pictures with her that night. But I will not forget how beautiful she looked, with her long red hair and her make-up all fixed up like usual, and a nice light blue blouse and dress pants -- even though she was in her bed much of the time. The last picture I took with her was at our Phelps family Christmas party last December...

We were able to attend her funeral on June 15, in Grantsville, Utah. It was such a sweet, hard experience, but I'm so glad I was able to be there, to grieve with all my family, and to see her one last time. She looked so peaceful and beautiful at her viewing, all dressed in white, like an angel. At the funeral, I played the piano for my mom and her siblings while they sang a song their mother had taught them when they were young -- a ballad about some Mormon missionaries, trying to share the gospel in Illinois. I've always loved hearing them sing; they all have beautiful voices and harmonize with each other beautifully -- something their mother taught them.

I wrote a tribute to Grandma Fern shortly after she passed away, sharing some of my memories of her and what I've learned about her and from her, through all her children's stories and examples. I thought of sharing it here, but it's looong... and some of it may be too personal. But I will say, she had a hard life, and she lived it well. She raised her family to trust in God and believe in, and live, the gospel of Jesus Christ. She lost a baby, her second child, when he was 8 months old. She always remembered him and, I think, his memory changed the way she mothered her family, giving her a great sense of faith and comfort to know that she could see him and be with him again if she lived and taught her children to live righteously. She gave her all for her family, and in return, they took such good care of her in her later life. Their good lives are, to me, her greatest legacy. I am so grateful for her example, her courage, and her faith. Knowing her has made me want to be a better, stronger, more deliberate mother, in memory of Grandma Fern.

I love you, Grandma.

East Coast trip: lovin' life!

So, I will try to resurrect this blog, yet again. And I'm starting where I left off, with our super fun family trip to Boston and New York...

When we moved back to Idaho last fall, Brian and I talked about how it's so hard to keep in touch and stay close with friends and family when we live far away. So, we made a plan to return to The East to visit within the year. And... Southwest obliged with a great ticket sale that corresponded with Brian's brother, Reed's graduation from business school, in Massachusetts. yay!

We left a few days before Samantha was officially out of school. So, her LAST day got to be the day her class took a field trip to the zoo. I got to chaperone, and we had a great "last" time wandering around with her cute friends. Then, they tackled her for group hugs before she left...

 It was a good send off, and I think she felt okay to miss those last couple days of school, even though it was kind of sad...

First day of our trip was REED'S GRADUATION day!! yay for Reed! Luckily for us, the graduation was outside, so our restless bunch had a bit of "wiggle room." (Plus, they had Squinkies to play with, so they were well occupied, most of the time.)...

 The one "wild card" was this little mischief-maker, Miss Natalie! She had already been soooo good on the plane the night before, and again at church that morning. But by the time the graduation was underway, she was really ready to run crazy! Luckily, there was a nearby grassy area, where her dad was able to take her and let her roam free...

The Graduate!!! He did it!

 Way to go, Reed! This has been quite the undertaking for their sweet family!

 Alysa fixed a fun, celebratory dinner for Reed and all of us that evening, and the kids really loved playing with their cute cousins, Aftyn and Bronwyn.

Here's our rowdy bunch, trying to get to sleep on their special pull-out hide-a-bed couch...

After only one night, we learned that the best way to "sleep" people was to put rowdiest Natalie in bed with us until she was out, then move her back over to be with the other two, who magically went to sleep on their own very easily.

While we were in Boston, we took a trip out to Old Sturbridge Village, with Reed and Alysa and with Brian's parents, who were also visiting. (And, oops, I don't think I got a single picture with them! oh no!)...

 Sturbridge Village is kinda like the old-time pioneer village at This is the Place Monument in Salt Lake City. It's set up with a saw mill, a grist mill, a black smith shop, a pottery kiln, and dozens of other "village" buildings with costumed guide and demonstrations of how old-time life used to be. Our kids especially loved the children's dress-up section and hands-on demos. Here's Natalie and Bronwyn, in their pioneer dresses...

 All three of our kids were "riding" the hog...

The kids were making us laugh so hard with these cut-out holes! There were five kids and six holes, but man! we had a hard time getting a pic of all of them in a hole at once...

 Here was our best attempt... Spencer was mad because he was the baby girl, and he did NOT want to be a girl, so he wouldn't look at me. ;)

The grist mill, in full operation. It was actually really cool to watch!

Looking at the farm animals...

Brand new little baby lambs. They were so cute, with wobbly little legs!

In the old school house. Spencer was the "teacher"....

Next stop, we went to visit our friends, Becky and Tim, for a delicious bbq dinner. Our kids had so much fun playing with their kids. It was fun to catch up, and watch the kids interact...

 Here's a group picture, I think the neighbor took it...

 Most exciting for Spencer, while we were at Tim and Becky's, Becky taught him how to ride a bike!!! yay! Brian and I had been working with him for a few months, but they had a bike that was just the right size for him, and Becky was a "fresh start" teacher for him, so, in a matter of five minutes he had it mastered. We took several cute videos of him, but of course blogger does not believe in letting me load videos. So, all ya get is that cute pic of him with our group.

The next morning, Becky kindly offered to watch our kids so Brian and I could take a little trip to the temple. Of course, the kids were more than happy to go back to their house, especially Spencer, so he could continue honing his new bike skills! :)

Lovely temple, lovely peaceful time with my Brian, reliving some sweet Boston memories of our single days and courtship...

After the temple, we stopped by the Old North Bridge in Concord for a quick visit. The bridge is way back in the background...

 The whole gang, except Dad...

 Sad memory about this picture (above)... Just across from where we were standing was a great big beautiful climbing tree. As we took that picture, I whispered to Samantha that she should go climb that tree. We looked at it and right then a little girl was climbing down from the last branch of the tree. Right while we were watching, she FELL out of the tree, landed on an exposed root, and BROKE her arm! It was terrible! The poor parents were Russian, though they spoke pretty good English, thankfully. Brian helped them make their way to the visitor's center, where they called paramedics and took her off to the hospital. Needless to say, I changed my mind about letting Samantha climb that tree!!

We went back to Reed and Alysa's that night for delicious pizza dinner, and a birthday party for Aftyn, who is FOUR! Bronwyn just turned two a few weeks earlier, so she got some presents, too...

 Happy kids, fun presents!

The next morning, we took off for New York, but stopped for a quick visit to Boston's Children's Museum, which our kids LOVED!!

 We let each of the kids have a bit of souvenir money and pick out a present or two for themselves as we traveled. At the Children's Museum, Natalie picked out this gem, which kept her busy most of the way to NY....

Once we got to New York, our kids were in HEAVEN, because we got to stay with some of their favorite people in the world -- Zach, Parker, and Leah! Aren't they all so cute?!

 Samantha and Leah were especially happy to see each other. ha ha!!

So, the sad thing about our time in NY is that we misplaced our camera after those first couple of pictures. It was under the front seat in our van, but we really couldn't find it. All the pics we took of our time together were on our cell phones. And, I'm lazy enough that I haven't figured out how to upload pics from our phones yet. But the list of what we did...
-- Stayed with Adam and Lindsay and their kids, helped them paint their new house that they're moving into.
-- Went into the City to the Museum of Natural History
-- Ate lunch with friends at Powells restaurant
-- Visited Erin and Spencer at their new house, had delicious Sunday lunch with them
-- Went to an amazing Greek restaurant with Erin and Spencer (still dreaming of that food!), and took the kids to a fun climbing gym and play place
-- Saw so many fun friends at church, visiting our old New Rochelle ward. Oh, how homesick that made me feel!!
-- Went for a walk around our old neighborhood, across the pond bridge, around Harrison village, etc. (That was actually just ME, at 7 a.m., and it was a wonderful 3-mile walk of serenity!)
-- Went to New Jersey to stay a night with our dear friends, Brian and Debbie Hunter, who we first met when we both lived in London.
-- We celebrated Memorial Day with the Hunters -- had a delicious breakfast of homemade crepes, took a walk/hike through historic Jockey Hollow, where Washington's troops camped in the winter of 1780-81, then had a fun bbq along with our friends, Meg and John, also from London days.

We headed back to Boston for our last couple of days. And, miraculously, we found our camera. So, we got some fun pics of our last days in Boston. On the T, going into the city for a family day...

We stopped at the Frog Pond, but it was kinda slimy. So we walked over to the Public Gardens. Our kids loved the "Make Way For Ducklings" statues, of course...

And, they loved the Public Gardens, also...

On the Swan Boats, too sunny to smile properly...

From the Swan Boats, my lovely, lovely Boston...

So, once when I was on a Duck Tour, the driver touted this little bridge as "the world's shortest suspension bridge." But guess what? It's not really even a suspension bridge. hmm... But it is pretty...

Where are we?? The Old North Church, of course!

Our kids really didn't care about the "one if by land, two if by sea" bit, so I took them out to the bathrooms while Brian stayed for the tour and more pictures. (Fyi, the public restrooms behind the gift shop behind the Old North Church are GOOD!! They have a box for donations for their upkeep, and I gladly put in two dollars for a CLEAN bathroom experience, after DAYS of helping toddlers in filthy, disgusting bathroom situations. Let's hear it for some sanitary bathrooms!!)

In the North End, next to one of those really old, cool cemeteries...

We had lunch at a little Italian restaurant where Brian and I had gone on our first Valentine's Day together, when we were first dating (Round 1). The owner happens to be from Jordan, and Brian started speaking Arabic with him, talking about Egypt and Brian's love of the Middle East, etc. The restaurant wasn't crowded, so the owner kept coming by to chat while we ate, and even introduced his nephew, who just moved from Jordan to the US a few month ago. By the time we were finished eating, Brian had made some new friends, and... we got free lunch!! :) The owner absolutely refused to let us pay, but we left a nice tip anyway.

More souvenirs for the kids at the Old North Church gift store (which was one of the BEST gift stores we visited... had so much variety and so many cute, creative little trinkets, btw.) Our kids each chose a stuffed animal, which they're showing off in this pic, below...

We had to stop and stomp through the fountains on top of the Big Dig, just for fun...

Then back to the T, finishing with a good snooze on our way back to our car...

I'm pretty sure that was my favorite day of the trip. We finished off that day with a visit to Walden Pond with Reed and Alysa's family...

 We brought Blue Ribbon bbq for dinner, and let the kids play in the water until the sun went down...

 Yes, it was cold water, and yes, we were the only ones letting kids get into the water. But they loved it, and it was a fun way to end the day...

Goodbye, lovely Walden...

 Goodbye, Boston. Goodbye, fun trip to the East Coast...

We actually DID have one more day in Boston. BUT... we were sick with stomach flu. Not fun. Nat and I were up vomiting through the night, then Brian got it the next day. We were pretty lethargic, and stayed in our hotel room till nearly noon. But then we made it to the Science Museum for a few hours anyway. (No camera.)

 And then, we packed up and headed home the next morning. Here's one pic of our really long layover in Denver. Not sure why Spencer's jacket is on his head...

 On the plane...

We flew into Salt Lake in the early afternoon that day. We had plans of staying in Utah with family for a few days. But we were still feeling crummy with the flu, and Spencer was starting to get it, and we didn't want to pass it on to anyone. So, we courageously took ourselves ALL THE WAY home to Caldwell that SAME day... from 5 a.m. East Coast time, to about 11 p.m. Mountain time. A LOOOONG day!

We stopped a few times to rest our legs and run around. And, finally, we made time to stop in Twin Falls and see the majestic Shoshone Falls. (It's been on our "list" for several years now, so we were glad to finally see it.)...

 Welcome Home, Bishop Family! That's the end of our fun start-of-summer trip to the East Coast. It was a lovely, bittersweet trip, making me homesick for the green, green loveliness of New York and Boston, -- making me miss some very sweet, dear friends who feel soooo far away right now. But in the end, I am glad to be home. And glad for the memories.