Sleep will hopefully come sometime soon, but I've been restless tonight. (2 a.m. now.)
When I went to the doctor last Wednesday, he was very pleased with my progress and told me things looked VERY good for a smooth delivery, sometime soon. In fact, he told me he'd probably see me that night in the hospital... or this weekend.
Nope.
It's felt like a verrrrry looooong time since that appointment (really? only five days has passed??), and still no baby. But on Friday night, I had a false alarm, thinking my water was leaking (because that HAS happened to me before, and this felt very similar). Brian and I went to the hospital for an hour or two while his parents stayed with our kids. No leaky water detected there, and no stable contractions to keep me there. The baby's head is down, but not at all engaged. The nurse said if the baby would drop, the water is in a position that it would most definitely break and labor would begin. But... well, I'm not sure how to get the baby to drop. Any ideas??
I've tried walking (as much as I can take, with my hip "locked" out, and my bad veins), moving around on an exercise ball, squats and yoga "butterflies," pineapple, spicy curry, more walking, some smooching, etc., mopping the kitchen floor on hands and knees, never crossing my legs, I even bought an eggplant because I heard something about eggplant parm working magic??... It starts to sound ridiculous, doesn't it? I think that's why I wanted to write about it -- for later laughs, I guess. I know this stage of pregnancy and remember well the irrational NEED to have this baby removed as SOOOOON as possible! It's like something snaps and my mind is determined that I can be pregnant NO MORE!
For a non-pregnant person, it's almost comical to see the impatience of it all, I know -- I've been non-pregnant a lot, and wondered why "she" can't just settle down and wait and "she's" not even to due date yet, etc. But now, being the pregnant lady, no amount of reasoning seems to appeal to the unsettled side of me that just thinks I might explode if I continue to share my body with a person who is sooo ready to be born already! Besides, I don't even KNOW if it's a boy or girl in there!! And it's about to drive me crazy! ( I confess to crying over this briefly as I mopped the kitchen floor the other day. And I should probably also confess to being not-so-nice to Brian about wanting a surprise, and then having to apologize for my pouty behavior.)
Ah, I know what any rational person will tell me... I can't be pregnant forever, this will only last a little while longer, if it's really our "last" then it's probably worth savoring the "last" of the "last" moments, etc. In my own rational moments, I tell myself those same things. :) I also tell myself that it's helpful to at least TRY sleeping in the middle of the night -- especially when I DON'T have a newborn yet, right??
So, off I go to continue waiting this out. Let's pray for a baby this week, okay? So I can maybe not have to have another C-section. :) Wish me luck!!
Monday, January 27, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
Expecting... and Expectations
Well, I'm down to the last three weeks before due date. Yay! I went to Target this morning and bought a snuggly, soft wrap for taking the baby out in the cold, and some bassinet sheets, and some pacifiers, diapers, nursing pads, etc. NOW it's starting to feel more real!
It's also starting to feel quite real because I keep having nice, tight contractions. Nothing regular, nothing too painful or intense. They've been coming and going for several days now. But they feel "good" -- like things are progressing, this baby is getting closer to being "ready" to come! I'm relieved, because, of course we're hoping to avoid another C-section, if we can. (I did not like the first one, though Nat's head was perfectly shaped with all that little red-head fuzz.)
I find it interesting that I know my moods and my capacity much better with this pregnancy. It's like I remember what it all felt like, winding down to those last few days. And, it's helping me cope a little bit better this time around, I think? I told Brian tonight at dinner, I'm honestly okay with waiting all the way until my due date... if that's ALL I have to do -- just sit on the couch and wait, or lay in bed and read a book, ticking off the hours. In fact, that's kind of what I did, when expecting Samantha. And... it was a little bit heavenly, I must say!
The harder part of waiting for due date is that I still have lots of expectations of myself right now -- and everyone else kind of seems to have expectations as well. Surprise!! -- dinner still needs to be made, and cleaned up. The laundry doesn't just do itself. The little pieces of paper cut up by one of our darling children will probably remain all over the living room floor until I'm out of the hospital unless I stoop and get them, or carefully supervise clean-up for 20 minutes or so. The kids will NOT automatically wake up and ready themselves for school without a few nudges from me for the full 45 mins until I drop them off. The car doesn't magically clean itself out. Even the pens and pencils don't stay in their little "cup" on the counter without me constantly requiring the pencil users to put them back! Whew!
Saturday night, Brian had lots of work to do (never really came to bed, actually), but I determined the kids and I were going to have a fun little movie night, with popcorn and treats, before bed. I put them in the bathtub first, then went to get a Redbox dvd. I came home and someone had used the toilet without flushing... or so I thought. Turns out it HAD been flushed, and ... it was terribly clogged. My second flush sent disgusting water all over the bathroom floor, while Spence and Nat were still in the tub. What did I do?? I stood there plunging away, SOBBING like a baby, dry-heaving and feeling completely helpless to fix the situation. The more I plunged, the more the water poured over the sides, and the more I cried. (And yes, I had even been smart enough to turn off the water at the back of the toilet, but it wasn't helping, for some reason.) It was awful.
Brian heard me wailing, eventually, and came down to help take over and unclog the toilet. Somehow the kids got out of the tub and got on jammies without getting "contaminated" -- and I sent them upstairs to start their movie without me. Then I sat on the couch crying and crying because I felt so bad that I couldn't handle it all better.
See, in my mind, I just EXPECTED I could be brave and just fix it and clean it up and remain calm and sensible. But instead, there was Brian in there, doing what was obviously beyond my emotional capacity for the moment. So, a good cry was obviously in order, since I was letting myself down by not being able to deal with poopy water all over the floor, pouring out over my bare feet, at the end of a long day with several contractions and no nap. Ah... pregnancy. The hormones sometimes just take over, eh? And if not the hormones, then the fatigue and the overwhelming thought that I'm bringing yet another little darling paper-cutter/toilet-flooder miracle into our life. :)
I'd like to manage my expectations of myself (and everyone around me!) a little bit better. Am trying... am sometimes doing okay with it, sometimes not so okay. Whew. The better ending of the story is that I cried for 10 mins while Brian put his various "instruments" down the toilet and got the clog out. Then I pulled myself together, and helped with the clean-up. Once all the nasty towels were in the wash and the toilet tools were sanitized, I even told him to go back upstairs and work, while I finished carefully bleaching and scrubbing every surface that had been touched. Then I sanitized myself, popped some popcorn, and finished the second half of "Despicable Me" with the kids... even let myself laugh and unwind by the end of it.
See, at the first I said that I seem to know my moods and capacity better this time around, right? And then I told this horrendous story about how I lost it. But THEN, I pulled myself together and got back on track. I think that's what I'm talking about -- knowing my capacity. It's a good thing. And I hope I can stick with it through these next weeks.
Lots going on this week... Samantha starts her choir rehearsals again tomorrow, we're doing a big craft project for the church primary tomorrow, visiting teaching sometime this week, I realllly want to go see a friend I've been missing and thinking of at some point this week, dr. appt on Thursday. and... well, probably lots of other things I'm forgetting, since forgetting is something I do really well right now! :) Soldier on!! Right?? :) And as far as "expectations" go... for now, be okay with whatever gets done and what does not! That's the goal, people...
It's also starting to feel quite real because I keep having nice, tight contractions. Nothing regular, nothing too painful or intense. They've been coming and going for several days now. But they feel "good" -- like things are progressing, this baby is getting closer to being "ready" to come! I'm relieved, because, of course we're hoping to avoid another C-section, if we can. (I did not like the first one, though Nat's head was perfectly shaped with all that little red-head fuzz.)
I find it interesting that I know my moods and my capacity much better with this pregnancy. It's like I remember what it all felt like, winding down to those last few days. And, it's helping me cope a little bit better this time around, I think? I told Brian tonight at dinner, I'm honestly okay with waiting all the way until my due date... if that's ALL I have to do -- just sit on the couch and wait, or lay in bed and read a book, ticking off the hours. In fact, that's kind of what I did, when expecting Samantha. And... it was a little bit heavenly, I must say!
The harder part of waiting for due date is that I still have lots of expectations of myself right now -- and everyone else kind of seems to have expectations as well. Surprise!! -- dinner still needs to be made, and cleaned up. The laundry doesn't just do itself. The little pieces of paper cut up by one of our darling children will probably remain all over the living room floor until I'm out of the hospital unless I stoop and get them, or carefully supervise clean-up for 20 minutes or so. The kids will NOT automatically wake up and ready themselves for school without a few nudges from me for the full 45 mins until I drop them off. The car doesn't magically clean itself out. Even the pens and pencils don't stay in their little "cup" on the counter without me constantly requiring the pencil users to put them back! Whew!
Saturday night, Brian had lots of work to do (never really came to bed, actually), but I determined the kids and I were going to have a fun little movie night, with popcorn and treats, before bed. I put them in the bathtub first, then went to get a Redbox dvd. I came home and someone had used the toilet without flushing... or so I thought. Turns out it HAD been flushed, and ... it was terribly clogged. My second flush sent disgusting water all over the bathroom floor, while Spence and Nat were still in the tub. What did I do?? I stood there plunging away, SOBBING like a baby, dry-heaving and feeling completely helpless to fix the situation. The more I plunged, the more the water poured over the sides, and the more I cried. (And yes, I had even been smart enough to turn off the water at the back of the toilet, but it wasn't helping, for some reason.) It was awful.
Brian heard me wailing, eventually, and came down to help take over and unclog the toilet. Somehow the kids got out of the tub and got on jammies without getting "contaminated" -- and I sent them upstairs to start their movie without me. Then I sat on the couch crying and crying because I felt so bad that I couldn't handle it all better.
See, in my mind, I just EXPECTED I could be brave and just fix it and clean it up and remain calm and sensible. But instead, there was Brian in there, doing what was obviously beyond my emotional capacity for the moment. So, a good cry was obviously in order, since I was letting myself down by not being able to deal with poopy water all over the floor, pouring out over my bare feet, at the end of a long day with several contractions and no nap. Ah... pregnancy. The hormones sometimes just take over, eh? And if not the hormones, then the fatigue and the overwhelming thought that I'm bringing yet another little darling paper-cutter/toilet-flooder miracle into our life. :)
I'd like to manage my expectations of myself (and everyone around me!) a little bit better. Am trying... am sometimes doing okay with it, sometimes not so okay. Whew. The better ending of the story is that I cried for 10 mins while Brian put his various "instruments" down the toilet and got the clog out. Then I pulled myself together, and helped with the clean-up. Once all the nasty towels were in the wash and the toilet tools were sanitized, I even told him to go back upstairs and work, while I finished carefully bleaching and scrubbing every surface that had been touched. Then I sanitized myself, popped some popcorn, and finished the second half of "Despicable Me" with the kids... even let myself laugh and unwind by the end of it.
See, at the first I said that I seem to know my moods and capacity better this time around, right? And then I told this horrendous story about how I lost it. But THEN, I pulled myself together and got back on track. I think that's what I'm talking about -- knowing my capacity. It's a good thing. And I hope I can stick with it through these next weeks.
Lots going on this week... Samantha starts her choir rehearsals again tomorrow, we're doing a big craft project for the church primary tomorrow, visiting teaching sometime this week, I realllly want to go see a friend I've been missing and thinking of at some point this week, dr. appt on Thursday. and... well, probably lots of other things I'm forgetting, since forgetting is something I do really well right now! :) Soldier on!! Right?? :) And as far as "expectations" go... for now, be okay with whatever gets done and what does not! That's the goal, people...
Wednesday, January 08, 2014
Samantha's special baptism day
It was a sweet moment, and her eyes and mine filled with tears for a minute. I hugged her and told her I thought Heavenly Father and Jesus would be very proud of her choice.
The week before her baptism, we had a special family home evening where we talked about baptism and what she should expect the service to be like. Then, Daddy took turns with each of the kids "practicing" baptizing them....
And then... they got to go take a big bath together with their swim suits and goggles, in our big corner tub, as the family night "activity." Nat was especially excited about the "gobbles" as she calls them. :)
Finally, her special day arrived! I wish we could have taken more pictures at the actual baptism, but things felt a bit rushed and hectic, so we only got a few. Here she is with her dad, before both of them went to change into their white jumpsuits for the baptism...
All ready for the service to begin... Samantha and Brian in their whites...
Samantha and her good friend, Allie, both got baptized together at the same service. After the baptism, before each of them was confirmed a member of the Church, they sang a song together -- "If the Savior Stood Beside Me." It was precious. I had goosebumps the whole time, listening to them, so sweet.
After the service, we had all the family that could be there come over to our house for a lunch of crock-pot soups, rolls, salads and dessert. Aside, there were other family members who had planned to come, but weren't able to make it because of sickness. We missed them!!
One highlight of the "after party" was this snazzy fountain punch bowl my mom gave me for Christmas. All the kids LOVED watching it, and the older kids (8 and older, to be exact), enjoyed filling their OWN cups under the bottom drips of the fountain. Super fun!
Just a cute shot of the littlest kids eating their lunch.. and Samantha popping in for a hello. :)
And, not the best pic of it, but here's her very fun "number 8" cake that we served... chocolate magic cake, like what we had at her birthday. She chose lavender frosting and little pearly decorations for the top. Natalie "helped" make it, and was VERY eager to DIG IN!!
What a special, memorable day it was for our sweet Samantha girl. She got some very special presents from lots of different family and friends, and felt very loved and supported. It's been sweet to watch her these past few days as she's been trying her best to make right choices and keep those special feelings of goodness and warmth with her. She has her new scriptures out constantly, and is writing in her new journal, and her prayers seem a little more focused and thoughtful. She even bore her testimony in Sacrament meeting on Sunday, the day after. I sure do love her and am so proud of her. She really does try so hard to be her very best, and to be a peacemaker and a good example in our family.
Congratulations, Samantha!!
Monday, January 06, 2014
Some Goals for the New Year
Very general goals here, folks, with very few "hard and fast" rules, and not in any particular priority order...
- More sleep, but also more discipline in getting to bed without the hours of "wind-down" time.
- More scripture study and prayer, earlier in the day.
- Less raising my voice, more remaining calm and not clenching my teeth and frowning out my frustration (mainly in regards to mothering, of course.)
- More good music -- on the piano, on Pandora, on the CD players, in our home, in our car.
- More hugs and smiles and I-love-yous and thanks-yous and good-jobs!
- More organized drawers, cupboards and closets (this excludes kids' closets, which only stay organized until they open them again tomorrow, so I am going to count that as one thing I can't fully control and should just let go of right now.)
- More blogging, journaling, writing, and photographing the things that mean a lot to me.
- Better attempts to keep in touch and stay close to friends and family.
- Less facebook time.
- More exercise, more fruits and vegetables, more crock-pot meals.
- Lots of meaningful family time, some fun trips, board games, home time together.
- More routines, schedules, organized calendars for the fam.
- More reading, more good books and literature.
- More one-on-one time with my kids and Brian... and me.
- More living in the moment and being content with the blessings of each day.
It's been a crazy year for me, 2013. I'm glad to see it over, though it has had its ups and downs. I'm hopeful that 2014 will be a bright one, and that I'll choose to see its best side. Maybe these little reminders will be helpful to me. :)
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Happy, Happy Birthday, Samantha!
Happy Birthday, to our dear Samantha girl!!
Hard to believe this cutie is already EIGHT YEARS OLD!?! Yay!
The next morning, our church was having a Christmas Breakfast party. So, we all went to it for a couple of hours. They had breakfast burritos, and then there was a nice program with songs and dances and even a youth orchestra. Samantha sang in a couple of different numbers, with some other little girls her age. She loved it. She's so cute -- from the second she found out they were having the church party on her birthday, she acted like it was just one more special treat for her! It was fun to see all her friends wishing her a happy day.
After the church party, I had told Samantha she could choose three friends to come over and make some Christmas crafts, and eat pizza for lunch. I didn't think I could handle a full-on birthday party that day, but a smallish play date sounded like fun. And it was. They painted some wooden Christmas ornaments, then decorated paper Christmas trees that turned out really cute. (and I didn't take pics, sorry.)
Here's the group gathered for pizza...
After friends left, she got to open and play with presents for a little while, and then it was time to get ready for her big choir performance. This fall, Samantha tried out for a professional choir group. She knew from the start that the final concert would be on her birthday. And again, she was thrilled with that idea. She really likes "events" ... even on birthdays, apparently. Here she is, I think this was after the show...
Brian's parents came too, and afterward we had a special birthday treat of going out to dinner. We were headed to Applebees (Samantha's fave), but the wait was so long we changed our plan and went to Sizzler instead. Samantha was introduced to the all-you-can-eat salad bar, which she decided was pretty great... she filled her plate FIVE times. :) Then home again, home again, to open another present or two, and have cake with the grandmas and grandpas. Chocolate "magic" cake (with choco chips, sour cream, and pudding in the mix, sooo delish!), served with raspberries and real whipping cream...
It was a fun day, and we're very excited to now have an eight-year-old girl at our house. Here's one last pic with Grandma, taken on Sunday afternoon in her new birthday dress from Grandma and Grandpa.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Another Monday
I bought a big bag full of green apple jolly ranchers for Wade for his birthday this year. He loves them. I found them in the bulk section at Winco and filled up a good sized bag. Then, as often happens, I took them home, put them in my pantry, and never got around to mailing them to him. One by one I sneaked them from the pantry shelf, thinking I’d mail the rest of them soon. Then they were gone, and so was his birthday. I also didn't send the card/note that was more than halfway written in my head but never actually made it to paper or to Wade. In fact, I was on a little getaway vacation with Brian when Wade’s birthday actually rolled around. I know I thought of him on his day … I always remember birthdays. But I honestly can’t remember if I took time to call him. I think I tried, but couldn't get him, so I just left a voicemail message?
Well. Those things happen. And I know Wade wouldn't hold it against me for not mailing him a Winco bag of jolly rancher candies. In fact, I think I told him I ate them all, and he laughed. And I’m sure he didn't even mind not getting a card or letter from me… Not worth regretting, even though it turns out it was my last chance to really let him know his birthday is something special to me.
This past six weeks since he’s been gone, I've thought more about those little things that “connect” me to other people. Those little extra thoughts that really count because they come from my heart. So many of those extras are still in my heart – not on paper, not in little gifts or precious words for the people who make my life so meaningful. But I want to do better, express my gratitude more freely, more regularly. To be honest, though, I am learning my limits with this pregnancy, and I’m having to be OK with letting things stay in my heart right now, a lot of the time. But I still want to connect, in some ways. And, when others have reached out to connect with me these past weeks, it has meant so very much more to me than I could have imagined. It’s something I’m learning about grief… it seems to go hand in hand with gratitude, I guess.
Today has been a Wade day. I guess they all are Wade days. But some days I seem to feel more – or, more accurately, I allow myself to (or can’t seem to keep from) reflecting more on the memories and the sadness I feel. I've been thinking about how there seems to be a fine line between letting myself grieve and mourn, and choosing to wallow, refusing comfort and peace.
I have felt this way. And, I have seen my family as we've each been going through this feeling. It’s horrific, and torturous. And not really helpful to the healing process. The book suggests that we must remember that it is the memory and spirit of the person we've lost that we truly wish to cherish – and not the grief itself. Holding onto the constant pain of grief does not help us hold onto the memories that are so precious. I hope to remember this more fully.
And now, it’s been a Monday. I know Mondays are hard for lots and lots of people… the mundane after coming down from a weekend high is not something most of us relish. In particular, with this pregnancy, it’s been extra hard for me because I end the weekend with complete physical exhaustion. I've pushed and given my best to make it a good weekend – either with church callings, or family activities, or both. And then, well, I’m ready to crash by Monday morning -- physically, my productivity is sapped! Add the emotional exhaustion of this loss, and it makes for a very negative equation.
I got the kids off to school today, then crawled back in bed for another hour or so of much needed catch-up sleep. Then I got up and looked at the mess the wonderful weekend left for me, and decided to read that book, in my pajamas, instead of even doing the dishes or sweeping the floor.
I eventually got dressed and went for a walk around our neighborhood. It’s been a foggy day all day today, and the frost has hung thick on the trees and bushes. As I walked around, I stopped in front of several neighbors’ trees and landscaping plants, just looking at the frosty creations. Wade would have taken some amazing pictures on a day like today. So I cried as I walked along, missing him. Then I went back home and got my camera to take a few pics of my own. Only, let’s face it – Wade had an awesome camera and was getting quite the practiced eye. Mine didn't turn out like his would have. But I enjoyed taking them, having those few minutes to myself today.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
A few more Wade memories
I woke up again this morning around 5 a.m. thinking of Wade. It happens almost every morning, actually. And I think it's all a bad dream for a few minutes before I'm fully awake. Then I lay there, wishing it away, or trying not to think about it, or going through every detail of the crash in my mind, wondering how it happened, what he was thinking for those last few seconds... By then I'm fully awake and I get up and use the bathroom, then really try hard to think of something else. I should really try hard to go back to sleep, I know. But now it seems like habit, I guess, so my body thinks it's time to lay awake for an hour or so before going back to sleep. Not a good I habit, I admit. But maybe it will be a good thing once Baby comes and I have those early morning feeds?
Anyway, I know people say it will get easier, and it just takes time. I believe it. And I'm learning it takes faith, and distraction, and busyness, and an optimistic perspective, too. But mainly time. So, I'm waiting, and trusting that each day there's a little less sting when I think about it and wonder. And I'm reading, and praying, and listening to the stillness of the Spirit, which really does comfort my soul, when I'm open and ready.
And, I write, sometimes, because it seems to help.
**Today, I have a few more memories I've been thinking of, about dear Wade. On Saturday, I bundled up all my kids and let them go outside in the FREEEEEZING cold, to play in our first snow of the season. Samantha was out and back in, rather quickly -- she had some "projects" inside she wanted to complete. But Spencer and Natalie stayed out for a long time, loving the newness of it, and not caring too much about the cold, I guess. I watched them play from the window, and thought of my mom, telling me how Wade and Lance loved the snow so much when they were little. The winter my mom was expecting me, Wade was 3 1/2 and Lance was nearly 2. They lived in the-middle-of-nowhere Iowa, in a big old farmhouse in the country. The winter was cold, snowy and long. My mom said she would bundle up those two little boys and send them out to play for hours, while she laid on the couch with morning sickness. They would play hard, come in for lunch, then go back out and play some more. Every day. I wasn't even born then, so obviously this isn't my memory. But watching my own kids relish the delights of a snowy day made me think of a tiny 3-yr-old Wade and littler Lance, loving their winter wonderland.
Actually, Wade didn't like the snow so much once he grew up. Remember how he lived in California and Seattle for a long time? Well... there were reasons. :)
**Anyway, I've been thinking about family mealtime lately, since my kids get all whiny about who gets to sit where, every night for dinner. (Really, I should be flattered, because usually it's Samantha and Spencer, fighting over who gets to sit by Mom! ha!) We had assigned seats at our table growing up. My mom was at one end (closest to the kitchen), my dad at the other. And Lance and Wade sat on either side of my dad. Blaine sat next to Lance, I sat next to Wade -- to his left. Then Trent sat between my mom and me. Don't worry if you didn't get the whole mapped-out arrangement. The key there is that I sat to the left of Wade, for many, many years. And we passed food around the table, to the left. Well, Wade didn't take half or more of what was on the table, ever. He just passed it straight along to me. Basically, anything "green" was immediately given to me... salads, peas, green beans, relish plates, etc. (Not sure how he got away with NEVER taking any of those healthy foods, hmm??) But I generally ended up with a HUGE back-up of things to pass, as I tried to quickly spoon up my own servings of greens. And before long, Blaine or Trent would be whining at me to "please pass..." something or other. It looked like I was the super slow one, but really, it was WADE, not taking anything and being sooo fast! Believe me!! And, he would sit there quietly chuckling as I got in trouble for not passing fast enough. Even at big family gatherings, in more recent years, Wade would like to sit by me and make a big train of food piling up behind my plate, just so he could tease me about being so slow. Ah, man. I'll miss that quirky sense of humor.
**He used to pretend his hand was a spider. I can't describe it very well, and I certainly can't replicate it. But it was hilarious. It could pull me out of a bad mood ANY day, ANY time, no problem... from the time I was a girl until last time I saw him. His little "spider" would sniff around, then quickly crawl across the table to foods he wanted to eat. Or his "spider" would start sniffing around me or one of my brothers, before pouncing and attacking. It made us all laugh, just because it was not your ordinary "hand spider" imitation. It was fast, and spontaneous; it was his own little creation, and he'd make little sound affects for it too. More recently, he even used it on the nieces and nephews, and often had them squealing and giggling. I honestly don't know anyone else who can make a "spider" like Wade's. He shoulda taken that thing on the road! ;)
**One day, when I was a teenager, or maybe in college(?), my brothers and I were all sitting around the table. They were discussing hair preferences for girls they liked (not unusual... I liked to listen in and take their advice, of course. ;) Lance was describing how he liked girls to wear their hair long (they all agreed on that, naturally -- I think they were raised that way by my mom -- like it was a moral code for girls to have long hair?), and he liked them to have a few bangs in front, but to have most of the front hair pulled back, away from their face in a barrette. Trent agreed readily, saying he liked girls to have the sides pulled back, so it looked like they had actually done something with their hair. Not sure what Blaine said -- maybe he was quiet because he secretly liked short hair?? Well, at that point, Wade said, "I like it when a girl's hair is just all down around her face, soft and flowing, with no barrette or clip or anything." Right at that moment, the clip that was holding back my hair spontaneously opened and fell to the floor. My hair came softly tumbling over my shoulders in thick curls. All my brothers sat looking at me for a second, wondering if that was staged or something. Then we all started laughing... couldn't have timed that one any better! ha!
**Another perfectly timed moment... I went through an Abba phase some years back. (er, maybe I still crave Abba every now and then. ;) I had a few Abba cassettes that I had dubbed from somewhere, and I'd blast them around the house and sing along. Good fun. One day, I was listening, and "The Winner Takes it All" had just come on -- know that one?? It has a very long, melancholy intro. Wade happened to walk in just as it started. I hadn't seen him for awhile. So he greeted me enthusiastically with, "Kambi! My Sister!! We need to talk!!!" Just as he said, "we need to talk!" the Abba intro was ending, and the song was about to start. I turned it up and loudly sang the first line to him: "I don't wanna talk..." ha! He laughed really hard about that, and I certainly thought I was pretty clever. :)
**Not-so-nice was the time the boys found a salamander in the ditch behind our house when I was a little girl. Actually, I think they had more than one round of terrifying me with a salamander, but most memorable was the day when Wade came in holding it. "Hey Kam!" he called out. "Look at this!!" He held it up right in front of my face, its slimy body wriggling to get loose. Eww! Still gives me creepy chills just thinking of it. I screamed bloody murder and started running. Unlike the normal Wade I knew, he CHASED me with it!! Really, that was NOT his normal behavior -- he was my NICE brother, who rarely terrorized me. But this time, he chased me from the family room, to the kitchen, to the living room. He cornered me against the wall by the skinny mirror (which I someday hope to inherit because it really does its job!) and jabbed that disgusting creature right up next to my nose, maybe two inches from actually touching my face. I seriously was TERRIFIED, and could do nothing but scream and scream and scream louder! He'd put it down by his side for a second and I'd stop screaming, then he'd hold it up again and another involuntary scream would come right out of me. Oh my! I don't even remember how it ended, actually -- it was that traumatic. Can ya blame me?!?
Well, Wade apologized later that same day and told me he didn't know what had come over him. Ever since then he'd bring it up from time to time and tell me how bad he felt about that. "I guess I was just so fascinated by the screaming that I wasn't really thinking about how it might have been affecting you. huh." Yeah, huh. At least I have to give him credit for only doing it once... Lance was the one who chased me into my room with one and set it on top of my BACK as I laid frozen with fear on top of my bed. Brothers!!
**Okay, a more grown-up memory... When my best friend, Alicia, was getting married 10 years ago, Wade was still living in California. Alicia's reception was an open-house in Bakersfield, the night before her wedding. And then the wedding was in the Los Angeles temple the next day. Wade drove up to Bakersfield and dropped in at the reception to be with me, then afterward I rode with him that night to LA. We had a great chat on that 2-hr drive, one that I loved and appreciated. I was going through an excruciating break-up at the time... something that I felt was right, but it still hurt very badly. So I told Wade all about it. And he sympathized perfectly. He had dated a lot by then, and all his relationships had ended with lots of tears and pain. We talked long about his past and his decision to not get involved in serious relationships, mainly because the ending was always heartache. "I don't want to see any more girls cry because of me," he told me. It seemed to me that we both eventually hoped things would end in a good relationship, where things finally progressed to a stable and happy marriage. But when I said as much to Wade, I remember he told me, "Actually, I don't think that's in the plans for me. You would not understand my reasons, unless you had lived your whole life in my shoes. But I'm not hoping for that, Kam. And don't feel bad for me if that doesn't happen, okay?" He's right; I didn't understand, and I still don't. And lots of other people have never understood either. But I do know he had his reasons for not marrying, and his life choices brought him the happiness he wanted. (And no, he was not attracted to men... if anyone wonders.)
The next day, after Alicia and Scott's wedding, Wade picked up me and my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. I think he ate lunch or dinner with us, then maybe drove us to the airport? What I remember is that Wade knew the tension and heartache that was standing between us like an elephant in the room. But you know what he did? He made us both laugh hysterically, the whole time we were with him. He kept the mood light and entertaining and enjoyable. It was, I'm sure, partly so that he didn't have to feel our awkwardness. But it was also a very selfless thing, for him to try his best to relieve some of the tension of a rough situation. That was just his way. Always. And I love him for it and am so grateful for that example in my life.
**Skipping a few years... when Brian and I were living in London, Wade had moved from California to Boise. He had taken a voluntary lay-off deal with his Calif. company, and was living off his savings for awhile. Brian and I wanted him to come to London soooo badly. He always said he wanted to come, but realistically, I think it would have been hard for him to manage the funds. So we talked on the phone a lot. At one point, he was starting to get pretty negligent about returning my calls. And my mom said she hardly ever heard from him either. I think he was going through a "downer" time there for awhile. When I finally did get him on the phone one day, I remember talking to him about doing better at keeping in touch and staying close to family. I wanted to be very upset with him, but of course he kept the mood light and casual. Then he said he'd do better, and he did. He made it a point to call me every couple of weeks or so. And when I brought new-baby Samantha home for a visit, he made time to take me to lunch -- at Olive Garden, of course.
I love that he was so good at keeping our family close. I know he made time not just for me, but for all my siblings, and my parents. And he kept it up. From that day in London, to the week before he died, we had regular phone chats, every couple of weeks at least. He'd call as he was driving to my parents' house, just to have 15 minute catch-up talk and hear some funny, cute things about my kids. My last conversation with him (did I already write this?) was the day after Halloween. He had left me a message asking how to get to Mesa Falls. I missed the call because we were in Utah, but I called him back--after he'd already gone and taken all those amazing pics (on his fb page, if you haven't seen them.) We talked about how beautiful the falls are, how I wished I could have been with him, and about what the kids did for Halloween. It was just an everyday conversation that has now become a treasured last memory of his voice and his concern and caring for me and my family. Oh how I already miss his voice -- always cheery and optimistic and interested (even when he was simultaneously online, trying to stay in a LAN game, ;))
**In more recent years, he truly became the favorite uncle to every niece and nephew. They all loved to see Wade, because he was always very enthusiastic to see them. He was excited to see them, would call them by name and give them hugs, even when he'd seen them just yesterday. One funny thing... he didn't like it when the kids were sick, because he felt like he always got whatever the nieces or nephews had. ha! Oh well... he didn't have his own, so I guess he had to have some kind of "negative" regarding kids. :) Anyway, my kids all liked playing his iPad or phone, and he would generously give it to them and tell them to take turns. Samantha especially liked drawing pictures for Wade. Through the years, she drew several lovely pieces for him. When we went to clean out his house after he died, I found several of her drawings, even from years ago. Her most recent piece was taped to the front of his fridge (a big heart with many smaller layers within, and big cut-out letters saying "I Love YOU!), along with Natalie's scribbled "circles" that I had sent Wade in September. I also saw that our Christmas cards and family pictures were taped to his fridge, and the older ones were in a drawer next to the fridge. It means a lot to me that those little things meant something to him.
This is enough, for now. I know this is probably not the most exciting reading for anyone but me. But it helps me to remember, in a way that's not so sad and heartbreaking. So... there may be more. But for now, I hope to do some "recent happenings" blogging, if I get motivated, kay? :)
Anyway, I know people say it will get easier, and it just takes time. I believe it. And I'm learning it takes faith, and distraction, and busyness, and an optimistic perspective, too. But mainly time. So, I'm waiting, and trusting that each day there's a little less sting when I think about it and wonder. And I'm reading, and praying, and listening to the stillness of the Spirit, which really does comfort my soul, when I'm open and ready.
And, I write, sometimes, because it seems to help.
**Today, I have a few more memories I've been thinking of, about dear Wade. On Saturday, I bundled up all my kids and let them go outside in the FREEEEEZING cold, to play in our first snow of the season. Samantha was out and back in, rather quickly -- she had some "projects" inside she wanted to complete. But Spencer and Natalie stayed out for a long time, loving the newness of it, and not caring too much about the cold, I guess. I watched them play from the window, and thought of my mom, telling me how Wade and Lance loved the snow so much when they were little. The winter my mom was expecting me, Wade was 3 1/2 and Lance was nearly 2. They lived in the-middle-of-nowhere Iowa, in a big old farmhouse in the country. The winter was cold, snowy and long. My mom said she would bundle up those two little boys and send them out to play for hours, while she laid on the couch with morning sickness. They would play hard, come in for lunch, then go back out and play some more. Every day. I wasn't even born then, so obviously this isn't my memory. But watching my own kids relish the delights of a snowy day made me think of a tiny 3-yr-old Wade and littler Lance, loving their winter wonderland.
Actually, Wade didn't like the snow so much once he grew up. Remember how he lived in California and Seattle for a long time? Well... there were reasons. :)
**Anyway, I've been thinking about family mealtime lately, since my kids get all whiny about who gets to sit where, every night for dinner. (Really, I should be flattered, because usually it's Samantha and Spencer, fighting over who gets to sit by Mom! ha!) We had assigned seats at our table growing up. My mom was at one end (closest to the kitchen), my dad at the other. And Lance and Wade sat on either side of my dad. Blaine sat next to Lance, I sat next to Wade -- to his left. Then Trent sat between my mom and me. Don't worry if you didn't get the whole mapped-out arrangement. The key there is that I sat to the left of Wade, for many, many years. And we passed food around the table, to the left. Well, Wade didn't take half or more of what was on the table, ever. He just passed it straight along to me. Basically, anything "green" was immediately given to me... salads, peas, green beans, relish plates, etc. (Not sure how he got away with NEVER taking any of those healthy foods, hmm??) But I generally ended up with a HUGE back-up of things to pass, as I tried to quickly spoon up my own servings of greens. And before long, Blaine or Trent would be whining at me to "please pass..." something or other. It looked like I was the super slow one, but really, it was WADE, not taking anything and being sooo fast! Believe me!! And, he would sit there quietly chuckling as I got in trouble for not passing fast enough. Even at big family gatherings, in more recent years, Wade would like to sit by me and make a big train of food piling up behind my plate, just so he could tease me about being so slow. Ah, man. I'll miss that quirky sense of humor.
**He used to pretend his hand was a spider. I can't describe it very well, and I certainly can't replicate it. But it was hilarious. It could pull me out of a bad mood ANY day, ANY time, no problem... from the time I was a girl until last time I saw him. His little "spider" would sniff around, then quickly crawl across the table to foods he wanted to eat. Or his "spider" would start sniffing around me or one of my brothers, before pouncing and attacking. It made us all laugh, just because it was not your ordinary "hand spider" imitation. It was fast, and spontaneous; it was his own little creation, and he'd make little sound affects for it too. More recently, he even used it on the nieces and nephews, and often had them squealing and giggling. I honestly don't know anyone else who can make a "spider" like Wade's. He shoulda taken that thing on the road! ;)
**One day, when I was a teenager, or maybe in college(?), my brothers and I were all sitting around the table. They were discussing hair preferences for girls they liked (not unusual... I liked to listen in and take their advice, of course. ;) Lance was describing how he liked girls to wear their hair long (they all agreed on that, naturally -- I think they were raised that way by my mom -- like it was a moral code for girls to have long hair?), and he liked them to have a few bangs in front, but to have most of the front hair pulled back, away from their face in a barrette. Trent agreed readily, saying he liked girls to have the sides pulled back, so it looked like they had actually done something with their hair. Not sure what Blaine said -- maybe he was quiet because he secretly liked short hair?? Well, at that point, Wade said, "I like it when a girl's hair is just all down around her face, soft and flowing, with no barrette or clip or anything." Right at that moment, the clip that was holding back my hair spontaneously opened and fell to the floor. My hair came softly tumbling over my shoulders in thick curls. All my brothers sat looking at me for a second, wondering if that was staged or something. Then we all started laughing... couldn't have timed that one any better! ha!
**Another perfectly timed moment... I went through an Abba phase some years back. (er, maybe I still crave Abba every now and then. ;) I had a few Abba cassettes that I had dubbed from somewhere, and I'd blast them around the house and sing along. Good fun. One day, I was listening, and "The Winner Takes it All" had just come on -- know that one?? It has a very long, melancholy intro. Wade happened to walk in just as it started. I hadn't seen him for awhile. So he greeted me enthusiastically with, "Kambi! My Sister!! We need to talk!!!" Just as he said, "we need to talk!" the Abba intro was ending, and the song was about to start. I turned it up and loudly sang the first line to him: "I don't wanna talk..." ha! He laughed really hard about that, and I certainly thought I was pretty clever. :)
**Not-so-nice was the time the boys found a salamander in the ditch behind our house when I was a little girl. Actually, I think they had more than one round of terrifying me with a salamander, but most memorable was the day when Wade came in holding it. "Hey Kam!" he called out. "Look at this!!" He held it up right in front of my face, its slimy body wriggling to get loose. Eww! Still gives me creepy chills just thinking of it. I screamed bloody murder and started running. Unlike the normal Wade I knew, he CHASED me with it!! Really, that was NOT his normal behavior -- he was my NICE brother, who rarely terrorized me. But this time, he chased me from the family room, to the kitchen, to the living room. He cornered me against the wall by the skinny mirror (which I someday hope to inherit because it really does its job!) and jabbed that disgusting creature right up next to my nose, maybe two inches from actually touching my face. I seriously was TERRIFIED, and could do nothing but scream and scream and scream louder! He'd put it down by his side for a second and I'd stop screaming, then he'd hold it up again and another involuntary scream would come right out of me. Oh my! I don't even remember how it ended, actually -- it was that traumatic. Can ya blame me?!?
Well, Wade apologized later that same day and told me he didn't know what had come over him. Ever since then he'd bring it up from time to time and tell me how bad he felt about that. "I guess I was just so fascinated by the screaming that I wasn't really thinking about how it might have been affecting you. huh." Yeah, huh. At least I have to give him credit for only doing it once... Lance was the one who chased me into my room with one and set it on top of my BACK as I laid frozen with fear on top of my bed. Brothers!!
**Okay, a more grown-up memory... When my best friend, Alicia, was getting married 10 years ago, Wade was still living in California. Alicia's reception was an open-house in Bakersfield, the night before her wedding. And then the wedding was in the Los Angeles temple the next day. Wade drove up to Bakersfield and dropped in at the reception to be with me, then afterward I rode with him that night to LA. We had a great chat on that 2-hr drive, one that I loved and appreciated. I was going through an excruciating break-up at the time... something that I felt was right, but it still hurt very badly. So I told Wade all about it. And he sympathized perfectly. He had dated a lot by then, and all his relationships had ended with lots of tears and pain. We talked long about his past and his decision to not get involved in serious relationships, mainly because the ending was always heartache. "I don't want to see any more girls cry because of me," he told me. It seemed to me that we both eventually hoped things would end in a good relationship, where things finally progressed to a stable and happy marriage. But when I said as much to Wade, I remember he told me, "Actually, I don't think that's in the plans for me. You would not understand my reasons, unless you had lived your whole life in my shoes. But I'm not hoping for that, Kam. And don't feel bad for me if that doesn't happen, okay?" He's right; I didn't understand, and I still don't. And lots of other people have never understood either. But I do know he had his reasons for not marrying, and his life choices brought him the happiness he wanted. (And no, he was not attracted to men... if anyone wonders.)
The next day, after Alicia and Scott's wedding, Wade picked up me and my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. I think he ate lunch or dinner with us, then maybe drove us to the airport? What I remember is that Wade knew the tension and heartache that was standing between us like an elephant in the room. But you know what he did? He made us both laugh hysterically, the whole time we were with him. He kept the mood light and entertaining and enjoyable. It was, I'm sure, partly so that he didn't have to feel our awkwardness. But it was also a very selfless thing, for him to try his best to relieve some of the tension of a rough situation. That was just his way. Always. And I love him for it and am so grateful for that example in my life.
**Skipping a few years... when Brian and I were living in London, Wade had moved from California to Boise. He had taken a voluntary lay-off deal with his Calif. company, and was living off his savings for awhile. Brian and I wanted him to come to London soooo badly. He always said he wanted to come, but realistically, I think it would have been hard for him to manage the funds. So we talked on the phone a lot. At one point, he was starting to get pretty negligent about returning my calls. And my mom said she hardly ever heard from him either. I think he was going through a "downer" time there for awhile. When I finally did get him on the phone one day, I remember talking to him about doing better at keeping in touch and staying close to family. I wanted to be very upset with him, but of course he kept the mood light and casual. Then he said he'd do better, and he did. He made it a point to call me every couple of weeks or so. And when I brought new-baby Samantha home for a visit, he made time to take me to lunch -- at Olive Garden, of course.
I love that he was so good at keeping our family close. I know he made time not just for me, but for all my siblings, and my parents. And he kept it up. From that day in London, to the week before he died, we had regular phone chats, every couple of weeks at least. He'd call as he was driving to my parents' house, just to have 15 minute catch-up talk and hear some funny, cute things about my kids. My last conversation with him (did I already write this?) was the day after Halloween. He had left me a message asking how to get to Mesa Falls. I missed the call because we were in Utah, but I called him back--after he'd already gone and taken all those amazing pics (on his fb page, if you haven't seen them.) We talked about how beautiful the falls are, how I wished I could have been with him, and about what the kids did for Halloween. It was just an everyday conversation that has now become a treasured last memory of his voice and his concern and caring for me and my family. Oh how I already miss his voice -- always cheery and optimistic and interested (even when he was simultaneously online, trying to stay in a LAN game, ;))
**In more recent years, he truly became the favorite uncle to every niece and nephew. They all loved to see Wade, because he was always very enthusiastic to see them. He was excited to see them, would call them by name and give them hugs, even when he'd seen them just yesterday. One funny thing... he didn't like it when the kids were sick, because he felt like he always got whatever the nieces or nephews had. ha! Oh well... he didn't have his own, so I guess he had to have some kind of "negative" regarding kids. :) Anyway, my kids all liked playing his iPad or phone, and he would generously give it to them and tell them to take turns. Samantha especially liked drawing pictures for Wade. Through the years, she drew several lovely pieces for him. When we went to clean out his house after he died, I found several of her drawings, even from years ago. Her most recent piece was taped to the front of his fridge (a big heart with many smaller layers within, and big cut-out letters saying "I Love YOU!), along with Natalie's scribbled "circles" that I had sent Wade in September. I also saw that our Christmas cards and family pictures were taped to his fridge, and the older ones were in a drawer next to the fridge. It means a lot to me that those little things meant something to him.
This is enough, for now. I know this is probably not the most exciting reading for anyone but me. But it helps me to remember, in a way that's not so sad and heartbreaking. So... there may be more. But for now, I hope to do some "recent happenings" blogging, if I get motivated, kay? :)
Wednesday, December 04, 2013
Not sure how to make it all better
I keep reminding myself how excited we are to have this baby. I keep reminding myself how very blessed I am to have such a patient, helpful, "available" husband as my companion and partner. I keep trying to remember to be grateful for all the little moments that make my life beautiful each day, despite the emotional instability I still can't quite control.
I kiss my children in their sleep to remember how very precious these little angels are after the chaos of our day is over. And then I cry a little bit, because I'm also very aware that some of the things that have come out of my mouth throughout the day are not the things I want my children to remember about my relationship with them. As I watch them sleep, I can still see the frustration and irritation and distress I'm feeling mirrored in their little faces at those not-so-nice mommy moments.
There's the nagging feeling that I've left something undone as I go to bed every night -- which, undoubtedly, I have. So then there's insomnia, as I lay in bed energetically thinking of all I can do the next day, which invariably sounds far more productive in my head than ever happens when I really get started once morning comes. And there's the aching in my legs that grows throughout the day and usually escalates to unbearable by bedtime. But I know I should be more brave, so I try to focus on the countdown and remember that those black and blue veins running all the way up from my calves -- though very painful -- are not harmful, and will most likely get some better in just eight and a half little weeks.
A day before the funeral, one of my friends wrote to me, "Oh honey, you just need to exist for awhile." That's how I feel, but it's not just from the loss. It's just the whole package -- pregnancy, emotional instability, holiday shopping, Samantha's birthday, family Christmas parties, that feeling of being slapped in the face every time I remember Wade isn't coming back, holiday travel plans, church callings, etc... all this seems to result in me being "fine"one minute, and then, the next minute, feeling like bawling my eyes out over a book the kids dropped on the floor that is too far down there for me to pick up and put where it belongs. Wimpy, eh?
I know what I should do, how I should feel, and even what I should write on my blog for public consumption. (yes, my mother did teach me, and she probably won't like reading this post. ;) Yep, I should be stronger. I have it in me, I know I do. And I know I'll come through and things will be okay, especially if I can just focus and keep my chin up and keep those "reminders" coming -- about being grateful, cheerful, useful, etc. But, then, well... even with all that, sometimes I sit here and think about trying harder to be better, but in the event that I don't snap out of it really soon, then I start feeling guilty which compounds the problem. hmmm....
So, I guess for now I'll take my friend's advice and try to "exist" for awhile, even if that means Mac-n-cheese for dinner tonight and sneaking holiday m&ms from our candy dish in the curio cabinet. And even if that means our Christmas cards go out late, and without a handwritten note this year. And even if my scripture study is sometimes half-hearted. Well... baby steps to this baby, eh? And keep believing things will get better with time, right? :) I know. Thanks for the pep talk.
I kiss my children in their sleep to remember how very precious these little angels are after the chaos of our day is over. And then I cry a little bit, because I'm also very aware that some of the things that have come out of my mouth throughout the day are not the things I want my children to remember about my relationship with them. As I watch them sleep, I can still see the frustration and irritation and distress I'm feeling mirrored in their little faces at those not-so-nice mommy moments.
There's the nagging feeling that I've left something undone as I go to bed every night -- which, undoubtedly, I have. So then there's insomnia, as I lay in bed energetically thinking of all I can do the next day, which invariably sounds far more productive in my head than ever happens when I really get started once morning comes. And there's the aching in my legs that grows throughout the day and usually escalates to unbearable by bedtime. But I know I should be more brave, so I try to focus on the countdown and remember that those black and blue veins running all the way up from my calves -- though very painful -- are not harmful, and will most likely get some better in just eight and a half little weeks.
A day before the funeral, one of my friends wrote to me, "Oh honey, you just need to exist for awhile." That's how I feel, but it's not just from the loss. It's just the whole package -- pregnancy, emotional instability, holiday shopping, Samantha's birthday, family Christmas parties, that feeling of being slapped in the face every time I remember Wade isn't coming back, holiday travel plans, church callings, etc... all this seems to result in me being "fine"one minute, and then, the next minute, feeling like bawling my eyes out over a book the kids dropped on the floor that is too far down there for me to pick up and put where it belongs. Wimpy, eh?
I know what I should do, how I should feel, and even what I should write on my blog for public consumption. (yes, my mother did teach me, and she probably won't like reading this post. ;) Yep, I should be stronger. I have it in me, I know I do. And I know I'll come through and things will be okay, especially if I can just focus and keep my chin up and keep those "reminders" coming -- about being grateful, cheerful, useful, etc. But, then, well... even with all that, sometimes I sit here and think about trying harder to be better, but in the event that I don't snap out of it really soon, then I start feeling guilty which compounds the problem. hmmm....
So, I guess for now I'll take my friend's advice and try to "exist" for awhile, even if that means Mac-n-cheese for dinner tonight and sneaking holiday m&ms from our candy dish in the curio cabinet. And even if that means our Christmas cards go out late, and without a handwritten note this year. And even if my scripture study is sometimes half-hearted. Well... baby steps to this baby, eh? And keep believing things will get better with time, right? :) I know. Thanks for the pep talk.
Sunday, December 01, 2013
My Memories of Wade
Wade was always four years older than I am. He was my ideal big brother in every sense of the word as I grew up. He set the example for all our family, and I know my parents were so proud of him, because they told him often how much it meant to them to see him make right, good choices that helped the rest of his siblings want to be good and make right choices also. What a blessing, to have someone so kind and gentle and intelligent to pave our path. I've always been grateful to him for that.
As a tiny girl, I couldn't pronounce his name, so I called him "Weed." He thought it was cute and funny, so when I got a little older, he would remind me and ask me to call him Weed again sometimes. So I did -- to this day. I also called him Wah-day a lot, in reference to a joke he made in junior high school: He said there was a substitute in one of his classes one day, and she was calling roll. The kid in front of him was Latino, and told her "I prefer Jorge (the Spanish pronunciation, like Hoar-hay)." Next she called Wade's name, and he told her "I prefer "Wah-day." All the kids snickered, but she didn't catch on, and she obediently called him Wah-day for the entire class. The other kids all called him Wah-day for several days after that, and then, once he told me, it was so funny to me that I guess it kind of stuck. Even when he would call to chat, just last month, he'd say, "Kambi (one of his nicknames for me), my sister!" and I would answer, "Wah-day! my brother!" Funny guy.
One favorite family story about Wade, from before I can really remember... Wade was six, and was “in charge” while my mom ran some errands and got some goodies for a picnic we were planning to take later that day. (I think my dad was working on farm equipment behind the house, so there was technically an adult present, sort of, if anyone wonders.) Wade found some matches somewhere, and started striking them, and I got scared and upset. I was NOT a rule breaker, and even at 2, I knew it was against the rules to play with matches. So, I threatened to tell on him for his deviousness.
As a tiny girl, I couldn't pronounce his name, so I called him "Weed." He thought it was cute and funny, so when I got a little older, he would remind me and ask me to call him Weed again sometimes. So I did -- to this day. I also called him Wah-day a lot, in reference to a joke he made in junior high school: He said there was a substitute in one of his classes one day, and she was calling roll. The kid in front of him was Latino, and told her "I prefer Jorge (the Spanish pronunciation, like Hoar-hay)." Next she called Wade's name, and he told her "I prefer "Wah-day." All the kids snickered, but she didn't catch on, and she obediently called him Wah-day for the entire class. The other kids all called him Wah-day for several days after that, and then, once he told me, it was so funny to me that I guess it kind of stuck. Even when he would call to chat, just last month, he'd say, "Kambi (one of his nicknames for me), my sister!" and I would answer, "Wah-day! my brother!" Funny guy.
One favorite family story about Wade, from before I can really remember... Wade was six, and was “in charge” while my mom ran some errands and got some goodies for a picnic we were planning to take later that day. (I think my dad was working on farm equipment behind the house, so there was technically an adult present, sort of, if anyone wonders.) Wade found some matches somewhere, and started striking them, and I got scared and upset. I was NOT a rule breaker, and even at 2, I knew it was against the rules to play with matches. So, I threatened to tell on him for his deviousness.
When my mom came home a few minutes later, she could
obviously smell that someone had been lighting matches. She started inquiring,
and Wade intently denied at first. So, I did my duty and blurted out, “It was
WADE!! Wade was playing with the matches, Mom. And he tried to FIRE MY
CLOTHES!!” Apparently, when I had said I was going to tell Mom, Wade had lit a
match and held it up to my dresser, threatening to start it on fire and burn up
all my clothes if I told on him. Oh boy!
I was the rat, and Wade was in big trouble that day. But the
sad thing is, we all kind of got punished for that one. My mom decided the
thing Wade wanted most was to go on that picnic to Tautphus Park in Idaho Falls.
So, even though she’d just bought all the stuff for a picnic, we didn’t go.
None of us. A sad lesson, but very
effective. I don’t think Wade ever played with matches again. And thank goodness he didn’t burn down
my dresser – or the house!
When I was first starting school, Wade gave me lots of "tips" on how to enjoy and make the most of my time as a student. I remember him telling me which teachers were good, which ones might make life rough, etc. My first day of first grade, I got to ride the "big kids" bus to school instead of the little kindergarten bus. I got on nervously and found a seat. To my surprise, Wade got on behind me, followed me to my seat and sat down with me. He told me, "I probably won't sit by you every day, but this will just make you feel a little less nervous for your first day of school." What a sweetheart, huh? He also came and found me on the playground occasionally, just to make sure I was okay. He told me, "If anyone is ever picking on you, just come find me and I'll take care of things."
Wade was extremely intelligent and loved to read. He always, always had a book with him -- or several. When I was old enough to enjoy reading somewhat, he recommended books he thought would be appropriate and engaging for me... The Great Brain series when I was younger, DragonLance novels when I was into fantasy in college. When I was in high school, I remember reading "The Outsiders" for a school assignment. I came out of my room bawling, after reading the very sad, unfair ending. Wade sat down with me and analyzed the book with me for several minutes. I remember him pointing out, "I know it's sad, Kam, but isn't it so cool that an author can make you feel so intently about characters that are completely fictitious?!" He's the one who recommended "Ender's Game" when I was really stressed with finals at BYU right before I graduated. I totally blew off ALL my classes for a day and a half and just read that book. Then I called him (and Blaine, who also loved it) to discuss and analyze it for over an hour. He thought it was so amusing that I skipped class to read, which sounded much more like something he would do, than I!
When I turned twelve, I got to go to Youth activities in the evenings once a week, at the church. Wade was 16 and he generally drove me and Lance there, and we went to our separate activities, then rode home together. One night, when I was headed to the car, Wade was outside the church on the lawn, where a few of his friends were wrestling. I stood by and watched as things started getting intense between two boys. Wade was on the sidelines, but he stepped in to break up the fight. The one who was losing bowed out, but the aggressive boy, Jim, started teasing with Wade, and jumped on Wade's back. Wade took it, for a few minutes, and wrestled light-heartedly with Jim. But then Jim was getting even more aggressive and was bigger than Wade. It wasn't a fair fight, and it was getting intense again. I heard Wade say, "that's enough, Jim" and "okay, get off now, Jim." Finally, when Jim wasn't getting the picture, Wade's voice got loud and firm and he said, "Damn it, Jim!! Get off me, NOW!" It was startling enough to hear Wade swear, that Jim immediately got off him, apologized, and Wade walked me and Lance to the car. Once we were in the car, it was easy to tell Wade was in a bad mood about that little incident. He sat in the driver's seat for a minute but didn't start the car. After he composed himself a bit, Wade turned around to face me in the back seat and said, "Kamber, I'm really sorry you had to hear that. I don't normally talk that way, and I'm sorry I had to use that word in front of you. It seemed to be the only way to get Jim to understand. But I'm still sorry." I've never forgotten how humble he was, and how protective he was of me, his little sis.
Wade was always so sweet and kind to my friends. My best friend from grade school, Kerri, called Wade her "dance partner," because when we first started attending youth dances for church, if Kerri was having a bad night, not getting enough attention, Wade would pick her out and ask her to dance, just to brighten her evening. He liked to tease my friends, but never too much. When he first met my other best friend, Amber, he came into the room with the Vulcan sign (from Star Trek -- two fingers together on each side, to form a V), and told her "greetings, Earthling. Live long, and prosper." She, of course, thought he was weird, but funny, too.
Wade went on his mission to Argentina when I was in high school. I remember writing so many "deep feeling" letters to him while he was gone. He was my secret keeper, my journal, for awhile. Our family sent him a VHS home video for Christmas one year, and each of us took a turn recording ourselves talking to him. I still can't watch that video without blushing with embarrassment... I was trying not to cry, missing him so much, wanting to tell him how much I loved him and looked up to him. It's all a little too emotionally "raw" and intense for me to see on tape, even now. But it sure does show how much I loved that older brother!
The day he came home from his mission, I was in our town's version of a Junior Miss pageant (I didn't win a single award, btw. Maybe it was the nose bleed I got during the "composure and presence" section? or maybe it was my not-so-snazzy singing routine with the red boa and black fishnet tights?) Well, I knew Wade was coming home that day, and that all my family was going to meet him at the airport. But I wouldn't be able to go with them to see him, since I was having dress rehearsals for the big show all day. So, the first time I would see Wade would be after my performance. I told my mom I had had several dreams of that moment, when I'd finally get to see Wade after his mission. In most of my dreams, he had run up to me, picked me up in a big hug, and twirled me around in the air like a little girl. I guess my mom must have told him about my dreams, because that night, after the show was over, he came running up onto the stage where I was, and he scooped me up in a big hug and twirled me around and around in my peachy satin dress, with all my family and cousins and friends watching. It was sooo exciting and memorable, and wonderful to have Wade home again. And I felt like such a princess, because he told me over and over again how grown up I was, and how pretty he thought I was. He was the first guy to ever tell me how beautiful my eyes are. And I've never forgotten the compliment.
I got to go on a fun road trip with Wade shortly after his mission. I was 18, he was 22, and he asked if I wanted to ride with him to Arizona that summer before I started college. It was a fun trip, if short. I learned that Wade LOVES to drive... and has the stamina to keep going allll night! It was so fun to talk with him about anything and everything for hours and hours as we rode along together. We stayed in Gilbert, AZ with one of his mission companions, Shawn Hastings, for a few days. I remember tasting custard for the first time on that trip and loving it. I also remember thinking Wade's friend was dreamy, but his friend thought I was a preteen until ten minutes before we were leaving, and Wade told him I was 18... the benefits of looking younger than I am were NOT real benefits to me back then. ha! Anyway, we stopped at the Hoover Dam on our way home, and stood on top of it. Pretty amazing. I think Wade spit off the top, as any brother would. Then we started our drive home. We were thinking of stopping in Vegas, but then decided to just keep driving, since Wade just had endless amounts of energy for that. About 1 a.m., he asked if I would drive for an hour or so (the first time the whole trip), so he could get a little rest. I was nervous, because his truck was a standard -- not my forte. But he gently talked me through a rough start-up, until I was up to freeway speed. And then he nodded off. Not 15 minutes later, a police officer pulled me over for a missing headlight! I was too nervous to start driving again, with that officer behind us. So, Wade traded me places and said he'd gotten all the sleep he needed. We've always laughed about how I only drove for those short miles... not much help for poor Wade. But it was a fun trip together.
One year, for Christmas, Wade drew my name for our sibling gift exchange. On Christmas morning, I unwrapped a big, green ceramic life-size turtle, painted to look very real, yet very cute. It was not what I would normally expect to receive from Wade, but I smiled and thanked him for it enthusiastically. "Yeah, you're welcome, Kam," he said. "I got it for you, for your collection." I raised my eyebrows a little, then thanked him again without saying more. The truth was, I had no turtle collection, but I didn't want him to feel bad about it or anything. So, there I sat, holding the turtle, with Wade smiling proudly at it and me. Then, after a minute or so, he said, "oh... wait a second... Oh man! You're not the one who collect turtles, are you?! That was Kimberly! (his ex-fiancee)... And oh man!! It wasn't even turtles she collected, it was FROGS!" Woops! By that time, the whole family was listening and then laughing. I kept the turtle, it's still sitting on the hutch shelf in my dining room. And, for several years, I then had a turtle collection; Wade, my dad and mom, and sometimes my other brothers thought it was fun to occasionally add one more turtle -- for my collection!
Wade came to my college graduation with my parents. He was the only one of my siblings who could make it, so my fan club was very small-- just Wade and Dad and Mom. But I was so proud to see them all three there. Wade made me really feel like it was a special accomplishment, and pointed out several times that I was the first college grad in our family. He made me feel proud of myself... and he asked about my cute roommates. :)
I can't say I got a whole lot of letters from Wade while I was a missionary. But when I did hear from him, I loved his insights and testimony... and his handwriting; it was original, including the spelling. Of all the people I know, Wade was most excited to see the advancement of word-processing programs, so some "machine" could correct his spelling for him. He often said, "If you can tell what it says, why does it need to be spelled right anyway?!" I always loved any letters or cards I got from Wade, and especially loved looking at his signature. It's original, and legible, and encompasses a lot of personality in it -- a big curvy W to start his first name, a swirling L for his middle initial, and a very readable "Hone" with a fancy H. I will miss seeing it.
After my mission, I worked in Salt Lake City for a few years. Whenever Wade was in town, he called and arranged to have lunch with me. We often went to Olive Garden where I got the salad and Wade loved the breadsticks and pasta. We both loved their raspberry lemonade. Wade always paid for my lunch, even after I was married, if I ever had a one-on-one lunch with him, he was such a gentleman that way. I don't think I'll ever drink a raspberry lemonade at Olive Garden without thinking of Wade... it's been that way for years, though -- just one of his things, ya know?
When I lived in Boston, Wade was living in California. He loved to call my cell phone and marvel with me about how cool it was to be a coast-to-coast family, all plugged in to the latest technology. "You could be standing in the sand at the Atlantic Ocean," he'd say, "talking to me while I stand in the sand looking out at the Pacific Ocean! And we could just be talking on our cell phones, like we were next door to each other! Amazing!" He set up a blog of sorts, before blogs were really a thing. He invited all our family (and some friends) to contribute to the blog whenever. It was a fun way to keep in touch, and he loved seeing all of us participate in his "techy" advancement. I think it was on his blog where we started exchanging recipes one day. Late at night, when he was beyond tired, he got a clever idea to write his own recipe... How to Make Chocolate Milk. He posted it on the blog, something like this: 1. open fridge door, and remove milk jug to counter. 2. Get a large glass from cupboard or wash one from the sink, or use a paper cup if you don't like doing dishes. 3. Pour milk into glass, as much milk as you want to drink. 4. Get Nestle's Quick chocolate powder from cupboard. 5. With a large, clean spoon, stir in 2-3 heaping tablespoons of powder into the milk. If it is not dark enough chocolatey color, stir in another tablespoon, to taste. 6. Drink and repeat if necessary. End. Well, he told us that after he'd posted it to the blog, he thought his recipe was so clever and funny (mainly because it was sooo late, and he was sooo tired), that he decided to go ahead and email it out to all his colleagues at work, including supervisors. Ha! After a good night's sleep, he woke up and remembered what he'd done, with some embarrassment. His colleagues were amused... at least some of them. But it was rather random and, in retrospect, quite hilarious. I wish I could find his REAL recipe, somewhere...
Wade came to see me twice in Boston. Once, he was in NY for a quick work conference. He convinced a colleague to go in on a car rental for the one free day he had, and they drove up to Boston just for a couple of hours. We went to dinner, then he and his colleague drove back to NY to continue their conference. It was such a treat to see him there, and to have his "compliments" about New England, which I had grown to love. He came again a couple of years later, for just a day or two. I remember he took a red-eye to get there, but then insisted that we not waste the day with sleep. So me and my friends and boyfriend took him all around the city. He LOVED it and acted sooo excited about everything we saw together, especially all the spring blooms. He took pictures all over the city. At one point, I got pulled over for a right turn on red, but really my light wasn't red. When the officer started to scold me, I showed my East Coast aggressiveness and argued with the officer, knowing I was right. Wade was shocked at how bold I was, and smoothed things over politely with the officer, while trying to "shush" me. He liked to tell that story in front of my parents, for some reason -- even at our most recent family bbq this summer, that story came up. ha!
When Brian and I got married, Wade wrote the sweetest tribute to us both, in my friends-and-family journal I was keeping at the time. He made me feel like I was getting the BEST guy in the world, and that he was soooo excited to have Brian as his one and only brother-in-law. He was going through a somewhat hard time right then -- he had been laid off from his job in California, and had moved to Boise. He'd not been very active in church for awhile. But he made an effort to go back to church, and get to know his bishop and ward members, so he could be worthy to renew his temple recommend, and be with us in the temple the day we were married. That meant a lot to me. I have a picture of my four brothers and me on my wedding day. It's one of my favorites from that day -- one I always dreamed of, long before I knew who I would marry or what my day would be like.
This is getting long. And I am loving writing it. But now, I must sleep. So, I'll probably add to this soon. But I want to post it, while it's fresh, and while I'm reliving such sweet memories without feeling too sad about it all. Let's just say, to be continued......
When I turned twelve, I got to go to Youth activities in the evenings once a week, at the church. Wade was 16 and he generally drove me and Lance there, and we went to our separate activities, then rode home together. One night, when I was headed to the car, Wade was outside the church on the lawn, where a few of his friends were wrestling. I stood by and watched as things started getting intense between two boys. Wade was on the sidelines, but he stepped in to break up the fight. The one who was losing bowed out, but the aggressive boy, Jim, started teasing with Wade, and jumped on Wade's back. Wade took it, for a few minutes, and wrestled light-heartedly with Jim. But then Jim was getting even more aggressive and was bigger than Wade. It wasn't a fair fight, and it was getting intense again. I heard Wade say, "that's enough, Jim" and "okay, get off now, Jim." Finally, when Jim wasn't getting the picture, Wade's voice got loud and firm and he said, "Damn it, Jim!! Get off me, NOW!" It was startling enough to hear Wade swear, that Jim immediately got off him, apologized, and Wade walked me and Lance to the car. Once we were in the car, it was easy to tell Wade was in a bad mood about that little incident. He sat in the driver's seat for a minute but didn't start the car. After he composed himself a bit, Wade turned around to face me in the back seat and said, "Kamber, I'm really sorry you had to hear that. I don't normally talk that way, and I'm sorry I had to use that word in front of you. It seemed to be the only way to get Jim to understand. But I'm still sorry." I've never forgotten how humble he was, and how protective he was of me, his little sis.
Wade was always so sweet and kind to my friends. My best friend from grade school, Kerri, called Wade her "dance partner," because when we first started attending youth dances for church, if Kerri was having a bad night, not getting enough attention, Wade would pick her out and ask her to dance, just to brighten her evening. He liked to tease my friends, but never too much. When he first met my other best friend, Amber, he came into the room with the Vulcan sign (from Star Trek -- two fingers together on each side, to form a V), and told her "greetings, Earthling. Live long, and prosper." She, of course, thought he was weird, but funny, too.
Wade went on his mission to Argentina when I was in high school. I remember writing so many "deep feeling" letters to him while he was gone. He was my secret keeper, my journal, for awhile. Our family sent him a VHS home video for Christmas one year, and each of us took a turn recording ourselves talking to him. I still can't watch that video without blushing with embarrassment... I was trying not to cry, missing him so much, wanting to tell him how much I loved him and looked up to him. It's all a little too emotionally "raw" and intense for me to see on tape, even now. But it sure does show how much I loved that older brother!
The day he came home from his mission, I was in our town's version of a Junior Miss pageant (I didn't win a single award, btw. Maybe it was the nose bleed I got during the "composure and presence" section? or maybe it was my not-so-snazzy singing routine with the red boa and black fishnet tights?) Well, I knew Wade was coming home that day, and that all my family was going to meet him at the airport. But I wouldn't be able to go with them to see him, since I was having dress rehearsals for the big show all day. So, the first time I would see Wade would be after my performance. I told my mom I had had several dreams of that moment, when I'd finally get to see Wade after his mission. In most of my dreams, he had run up to me, picked me up in a big hug, and twirled me around in the air like a little girl. I guess my mom must have told him about my dreams, because that night, after the show was over, he came running up onto the stage where I was, and he scooped me up in a big hug and twirled me around and around in my peachy satin dress, with all my family and cousins and friends watching. It was sooo exciting and memorable, and wonderful to have Wade home again. And I felt like such a princess, because he told me over and over again how grown up I was, and how pretty he thought I was. He was the first guy to ever tell me how beautiful my eyes are. And I've never forgotten the compliment.
I got to go on a fun road trip with Wade shortly after his mission. I was 18, he was 22, and he asked if I wanted to ride with him to Arizona that summer before I started college. It was a fun trip, if short. I learned that Wade LOVES to drive... and has the stamina to keep going allll night! It was so fun to talk with him about anything and everything for hours and hours as we rode along together. We stayed in Gilbert, AZ with one of his mission companions, Shawn Hastings, for a few days. I remember tasting custard for the first time on that trip and loving it. I also remember thinking Wade's friend was dreamy, but his friend thought I was a preteen until ten minutes before we were leaving, and Wade told him I was 18... the benefits of looking younger than I am were NOT real benefits to me back then. ha! Anyway, we stopped at the Hoover Dam on our way home, and stood on top of it. Pretty amazing. I think Wade spit off the top, as any brother would. Then we started our drive home. We were thinking of stopping in Vegas, but then decided to just keep driving, since Wade just had endless amounts of energy for that. About 1 a.m., he asked if I would drive for an hour or so (the first time the whole trip), so he could get a little rest. I was nervous, because his truck was a standard -- not my forte. But he gently talked me through a rough start-up, until I was up to freeway speed. And then he nodded off. Not 15 minutes later, a police officer pulled me over for a missing headlight! I was too nervous to start driving again, with that officer behind us. So, Wade traded me places and said he'd gotten all the sleep he needed. We've always laughed about how I only drove for those short miles... not much help for poor Wade. But it was a fun trip together.
One year, for Christmas, Wade drew my name for our sibling gift exchange. On Christmas morning, I unwrapped a big, green ceramic life-size turtle, painted to look very real, yet very cute. It was not what I would normally expect to receive from Wade, but I smiled and thanked him for it enthusiastically. "Yeah, you're welcome, Kam," he said. "I got it for you, for your collection." I raised my eyebrows a little, then thanked him again without saying more. The truth was, I had no turtle collection, but I didn't want him to feel bad about it or anything. So, there I sat, holding the turtle, with Wade smiling proudly at it and me. Then, after a minute or so, he said, "oh... wait a second... Oh man! You're not the one who collect turtles, are you?! That was Kimberly! (his ex-fiancee)... And oh man!! It wasn't even turtles she collected, it was FROGS!" Woops! By that time, the whole family was listening and then laughing. I kept the turtle, it's still sitting on the hutch shelf in my dining room. And, for several years, I then had a turtle collection; Wade, my dad and mom, and sometimes my other brothers thought it was fun to occasionally add one more turtle -- for my collection!
Wade came to my college graduation with my parents. He was the only one of my siblings who could make it, so my fan club was very small-- just Wade and Dad and Mom. But I was so proud to see them all three there. Wade made me really feel like it was a special accomplishment, and pointed out several times that I was the first college grad in our family. He made me feel proud of myself... and he asked about my cute roommates. :)
I can't say I got a whole lot of letters from Wade while I was a missionary. But when I did hear from him, I loved his insights and testimony... and his handwriting; it was original, including the spelling. Of all the people I know, Wade was most excited to see the advancement of word-processing programs, so some "machine" could correct his spelling for him. He often said, "If you can tell what it says, why does it need to be spelled right anyway?!" I always loved any letters or cards I got from Wade, and especially loved looking at his signature. It's original, and legible, and encompasses a lot of personality in it -- a big curvy W to start his first name, a swirling L for his middle initial, and a very readable "Hone" with a fancy H. I will miss seeing it.
After my mission, I worked in Salt Lake City for a few years. Whenever Wade was in town, he called and arranged to have lunch with me. We often went to Olive Garden where I got the salad and Wade loved the breadsticks and pasta. We both loved their raspberry lemonade. Wade always paid for my lunch, even after I was married, if I ever had a one-on-one lunch with him, he was such a gentleman that way. I don't think I'll ever drink a raspberry lemonade at Olive Garden without thinking of Wade... it's been that way for years, though -- just one of his things, ya know?
When I lived in Boston, Wade was living in California. He loved to call my cell phone and marvel with me about how cool it was to be a coast-to-coast family, all plugged in to the latest technology. "You could be standing in the sand at the Atlantic Ocean," he'd say, "talking to me while I stand in the sand looking out at the Pacific Ocean! And we could just be talking on our cell phones, like we were next door to each other! Amazing!" He set up a blog of sorts, before blogs were really a thing. He invited all our family (and some friends) to contribute to the blog whenever. It was a fun way to keep in touch, and he loved seeing all of us participate in his "techy" advancement. I think it was on his blog where we started exchanging recipes one day. Late at night, when he was beyond tired, he got a clever idea to write his own recipe... How to Make Chocolate Milk. He posted it on the blog, something like this: 1. open fridge door, and remove milk jug to counter. 2. Get a large glass from cupboard or wash one from the sink, or use a paper cup if you don't like doing dishes. 3. Pour milk into glass, as much milk as you want to drink. 4. Get Nestle's Quick chocolate powder from cupboard. 5. With a large, clean spoon, stir in 2-3 heaping tablespoons of powder into the milk. If it is not dark enough chocolatey color, stir in another tablespoon, to taste. 6. Drink and repeat if necessary. End. Well, he told us that after he'd posted it to the blog, he thought his recipe was so clever and funny (mainly because it was sooo late, and he was sooo tired), that he decided to go ahead and email it out to all his colleagues at work, including supervisors. Ha! After a good night's sleep, he woke up and remembered what he'd done, with some embarrassment. His colleagues were amused... at least some of them. But it was rather random and, in retrospect, quite hilarious. I wish I could find his REAL recipe, somewhere...
Wade came to see me twice in Boston. Once, he was in NY for a quick work conference. He convinced a colleague to go in on a car rental for the one free day he had, and they drove up to Boston just for a couple of hours. We went to dinner, then he and his colleague drove back to NY to continue their conference. It was such a treat to see him there, and to have his "compliments" about New England, which I had grown to love. He came again a couple of years later, for just a day or two. I remember he took a red-eye to get there, but then insisted that we not waste the day with sleep. So me and my friends and boyfriend took him all around the city. He LOVED it and acted sooo excited about everything we saw together, especially all the spring blooms. He took pictures all over the city. At one point, I got pulled over for a right turn on red, but really my light wasn't red. When the officer started to scold me, I showed my East Coast aggressiveness and argued with the officer, knowing I was right. Wade was shocked at how bold I was, and smoothed things over politely with the officer, while trying to "shush" me. He liked to tell that story in front of my parents, for some reason -- even at our most recent family bbq this summer, that story came up. ha!
When Brian and I got married, Wade wrote the sweetest tribute to us both, in my friends-and-family journal I was keeping at the time. He made me feel like I was getting the BEST guy in the world, and that he was soooo excited to have Brian as his one and only brother-in-law. He was going through a somewhat hard time right then -- he had been laid off from his job in California, and had moved to Boise. He'd not been very active in church for awhile. But he made an effort to go back to church, and get to know his bishop and ward members, so he could be worthy to renew his temple recommend, and be with us in the temple the day we were married. That meant a lot to me. I have a picture of my four brothers and me on my wedding day. It's one of my favorites from that day -- one I always dreamed of, long before I knew who I would marry or what my day would be like.
This is getting long. And I am loving writing it. But now, I must sleep. So, I'll probably add to this soon. But I want to post it, while it's fresh, and while I'm reliving such sweet memories without feeling too sad about it all. Let's just say, to be continued......
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Some more things to remember
I'll be honest, it felt good to write that last one. As much as I was dreading it, and as much as I cried all the way through -- reliving some painful stuff -- it needed to come out of me. And in the process, I've thought of a few more details that I want to remember about this -- some of them aren't even that heartbreaking, actually.
** First, I still cannot believe the amounts of food that were brought to my parents' house from before we even arrived, until after the funeral was over and everyone was gone. It was so touching to see the generosity of neighbors and friends. When we first got to my parents', we had already eaten, but there were two different cakes on the counter, a box of croissants from a bakery, a big ziplock bag of cookies, and the makings for tacos for about 40 people in the fridge. My mom told me her brothers and sisters had loaded up their car with all kinds of sandwich makings, chips, and snacks when they arrived at the airport the night before. And that was just the beginning... another brother brought a huge cooler full of soda pop and more sandwich supplies, Grandma Eva made a turkey dinner one of the days out of the blue, and people from the church and community seemed to come by every few hours with a new offering -- homemade bread and jam, brownies, hot potatoes, pasta salads, banana muffins, etc. At dinner time, three different nights we ended up with TWO complete meals. Once, we even hid ham and potatoes in the oven (which hadn't been used in days), while someone else delivered pizza. We had to laugh at that one! It was really so sweet and so generous and thoughtful of so many people. And, we almost felt gluttonous trying to eat it up and not waste it. My sis-in-law wrote on her fb page when she got home that she had gained 10 lbs in 5 days. I can believe it. Luckily my nasty cold kept me from doing the same. ;( Even though it seemed to be too much at times, I loved just knowing so many people were thinking of us, sending their best "comfort."
** So, we arrived Friday night, and as I mentioned, Brian was still in the middle of a fairly busy stretch. He brought his supplies so he could work at my parents' house during any "down" time. But once he started working, he realized the internet connection was too flaky for him to get all he needed from his colleagues. (Let's face it, my parents live out in the country, so their connection is s.l.o.w.) So, by Monday, he was in need of a good, fast connection so he could really make some progress on his work. That morning, as I was headed to town with the kids, he asked if I could drop him off at the library where he would try to work for a few hours. Unfortunately, the library was closed for Veterans' Day. So, instead I drove him over to McDonalds... free wi-fi. :) As he was getting out, Samantha started making her "order" for what she wanted to eat there. I told her, no, just Daddy was going in and was going to stay there for awhile. "What is Daddy doing there?" she wondered. "He's going to work there for a few hours," I told her. Long pause... "Hmm... I didn't know Daddy worked at McDonalds." ha! Brian and I had a good laugh about that, imagining him slipping into his uniform and flipping burgers for a few hours just to make a buck on the day of the viewing. :) Then again, I wonder what the McD's workers thought of him, sitting in a corner with a laptop, shuffling papers for 4-5 hrs that day!
** I mentioned how Wade's viewing was verrrry well attended, didn't I? And how we ended up staying until after 10:30 p.m.?? Well, we wondered what to do with our kids during that whole long time, but ended up just keeping them there with us. Spencer crashed out on the couch for a good 2+ hours, Nat played or watched someone play someone's phone or iPad, and Samantha "reverently" ran around the building with one of her favorite second cousins, Brecken. They weren't too whiney or bothersome, so we just kind of let them do their own thing, while we visited with friends and family for sooo long. The only down side was that they didn't get to bed until nearly midnight that night... And the next day was the funeral. You can bet I was nervous about how they might behave on so little sleep, sitting for an hour or two during the service. (ie. worse than Stake Conference, ya know?!) Turns out, I worried for nothing. We had another short viewing before the service, and both Spence and Nat were very fidgety and unsettled. Sweet Alicia and Scott got us some paper and pens from their car to hopefully occupy them. And then we went into the funeral. Within 5 minutes, Natalie had curled up on Brian's lap and was fast asleep. Ten minutes later, Spencer crawled under the bench at my feet and was also fast asleep. They both slept almost the ENTIRE service. Talk about a blessing!! Maybe keeping them up all hours the night before was the BEST plan, after all.
** Samantha sat next to me during the funeral, and her cousin, Brittany, sat on the other side of her. They took full advantage of that notepad Scott and Alicia gave us. And, what was so very sweet was that they both took notes about the service. Really mature of them, I thought. And, what she wrote was surprisingly insightful to me. After the service, Samantha asked me to hold onto her notes, which I am planning to put in her book of keepsakes. Here's what she wrote (which she may have copied some of it from Brittany, who is a year and a half older -- but not all was Britt's):
Wade's Funeral Service
1.He had lots of nicknames. 2. ADEWAY (piglatin for Wade) 3.Zwolf 4. Zachary 5. Wade loved to read. Good babysitter. Built forts with hay. Played Star Wars. Swam in canal. Not a fan of school. Good scouter. Loved poetry. Was concerned with everyone. Three farm jobs. Went on a mission in Argentina. Has lived in Boise, ID. Loved gaming. Nice. Liked to stay up late. Caring. Loved his family. Brian, Robert, Wade and Lance are oldest cousins. Always a good photographer. Perfect uncle. Camping is something fun. Blue is his favorite color. Good guy. One of a kind. Good example. Touches lives. Very Smart.
** More than 200 people stayed for the funeral dinner. It was like a huge family reunion, plus we got to meet lots of Wade's friends whom we had only ever heard about. It was a special time, but so sad to me, too. All this togetherness felt like somewhat of a celebration, but the guest of honor was very obviously missing. I got a plate and found a seat (not with Brian, the place was too packed for us to find seats together, crazy!). Then I sat there looking at my food with tears pouring down my cheeks. It was one of those moments where I just couldn't hold back the emptiness inside me. I kept my head down, tried to use my napkin discreetly, and tried not to make any eye contact to avoid an awkward explanation or conversation. As I sat there, feeling so alone, missing Wade so very much, I suddenly felt arms around me from behind. My cousin, Mary, (who is actually my cousin Robert's wife, so technically cousin-in-law, I guess?) was hugging me from behind, whispering in my ear the sweetest, most reassuring things. She didn't really say much, just the occasional, "I'm sorry," "We all miss him," "Our hearts are all broken." And she let me cry there for a few minutes. Then I was better. Sometimes that's just what we all need -- someone to let us cry for those few minutes until we can dry up and move on a little bit.
** The first night we got to my parents' house, we were eating some of those delicious desserts and snacks, and our kids started winding down, getting a little bit cranky. I was sitting at the breakfast bar with my dad and I noticed Spencer getting particularly ornery about something. I called out gently to him across the room, "Oh Spencer, come here, Baby Boy." My dad's eyes filled with tears and he swallowed that lump in his throat as he said to me, with lots of tearful pauses, "I've been saying that all day to myself -- My Baby Boy. He saved our marriage by coming when he did... your mom and I had been married nearly five years with no children... We'd kind of gone our own ways and weren't nearly as close as we once had been. Then, once we found out we were expecting that little Wade Boy, everything changed... My Baby Boy."
I don't know if I can ever say that again without thinking of my dad and his love for his own sweet Baby Boy.
** I mentioned we went up to Wade's house in Idaho Falls on Saturday night, just to start assessing what would need to be done to get it cleaned out and all his stuff stored or divided. Well, with so many people there at my parents' house, kids to be watched, etc., we were trying to decide who should go, who wanted to, who could? In the end, it was my parents, my three brothers, and me. We took Trent's Suburban -- er, I guess it's a Yukon, but close enough. Anyway. It seats seven. And there were six of us in the car. For the first time probably since we all married, we were just in the car with the immediate siblings and parents. And one empty seat. I kept looking at that seat where Wade should have been sitting. I cry as I think about it now. But you know what? That night I didn't cry, couldn't cry. It was another of those moments where we all just felt a little extra comfort and peace about things. I truly believe Wade was sitting in that seat with us, just for that little drive together as a family.
** Blue was Wade's favorite color. It's mine too, I just realized as I sat down to write this. I once saved up my own money at Christmas time when I was 12 or 13, and bought Wade this awesome blue sweatshirt from Big-E (like Kings) as a present. I had to skimp on everyone else's presents because Wade's cost more ... like maybe $12, big money, ya know? I was so proud of it, and was so pleased that he wore it all the time. It was a nice, bright royal blue, and it said SURF in big letters across the front with an iron-on picture of a wave behind it. Good stuff, eh? Well, I wore blue to his funeral, because it was his favorite, and because I don't like black at funerals. For heaven's sake, people! It's heartbreaking and depressing enough as it is to lose someone dear. Well! Black is just a downer. If you ever wonder, don't wear black to my funeral, okay? Wear blue, or white, or red, or anything NOT black, please. Wade's casket was a nice navy blue. I think he would have liked it. Here's a picture or two...
The paul bearers: Lance, Blaine and Trent (brothers), Brian (brother-in-law), Ladd and Shawn (Hone cousins), Brian Alan and Robert (Phelps cousins, who felt more like brothers to Wade)...
**And here's a pic of all the family leaving the funeral together, walking out to the limousines (yes, we got to ride in limousines, and Brian even got to drive one! I think even Wade would have thought that was pretty cool, eh?)
I borrowed these few pics from my sis-in-law, Lisa, because I don't know where our camera is and I know there's not a whole lot to upload from it, since I took very few pictures of this whole sad time. But I wanted to write about walking out after the service. The organist had just started playing a primary hymn, Families Are Forever." Our little niece, Brianna, recognized the tune, since she and her family had recently sung it in their sacrament meeting. She started in at the beginning, then sang the entire song in her little three-year-old voice as we walked to the cars... "Families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan. I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can." It was sweet and light and full of faith and hope. I loved it, and I think a lot of others took comfort from her sweet song as well.
Okay, I think I'm done for now. I'm glad to share these little bits that have meant something to me through all of this. I also want to share my faith, just briefly. I haven't made this a blog of faith, and I'm not sure why. But I believe in God. He has answered my prayers in real and meaningful ways all through my life -- ways that let me know He is there, He cares, and I am one of His own children. We all are. I have felt His hand in this time of grief and mourning. This is part of His plan, too. I've never faced death with the people who are closest to me before. But I have now. And I will again, and again, because it is part of the beauty and wonder of life. It's a sad part, but it's part of the plan -- for us to live, and then die -- for us to greet each other warmly and learn to love each other here, and then say our goodbyes one by one. I've been so grateful to really mourn and reflect on the beauty of Wade's life, the simplicity of his passing, and the influence he has left with us as he has gone. I believe in heaven, and life after this life. I believe Wade's spirit lives on and is not far from us, but that he has other work to do, other callings from God. He's such a social person, I believe he is meeting a whole new set of friends and family to love and serve. And, in a way, it brings me great comfort to know that he has gone ahead, and will be there for each of our family members, as our time comes. Mortality feels much more real to me now, and I'm feeling more and more at peace with it as I reflect, grieve, and move forward through this loss. I am so grateful to have faith that is seeing me through this loss. It doesn't take away the emptiness I feel at not having Wade here for the rest of my life. But it gives me hope for better things to come.
One of Wade's friends put this together and posted it on Wade's fb page...
Wade took the picture himself, about a week before he died, at Mesa Falls, near Island Park, ID. And the Louis L'Amour quote, well, Wade loved to read, and LL was one of his favorites from the time he was in middle school. :) A fitting tribute, I think. We had it enlarged and displayed it at his funeral.
Good night. A little earlier tonight, thank goodness! ;)
** First, I still cannot believe the amounts of food that were brought to my parents' house from before we even arrived, until after the funeral was over and everyone was gone. It was so touching to see the generosity of neighbors and friends. When we first got to my parents', we had already eaten, but there were two different cakes on the counter, a box of croissants from a bakery, a big ziplock bag of cookies, and the makings for tacos for about 40 people in the fridge. My mom told me her brothers and sisters had loaded up their car with all kinds of sandwich makings, chips, and snacks when they arrived at the airport the night before. And that was just the beginning... another brother brought a huge cooler full of soda pop and more sandwich supplies, Grandma Eva made a turkey dinner one of the days out of the blue, and people from the church and community seemed to come by every few hours with a new offering -- homemade bread and jam, brownies, hot potatoes, pasta salads, banana muffins, etc. At dinner time, three different nights we ended up with TWO complete meals. Once, we even hid ham and potatoes in the oven (which hadn't been used in days), while someone else delivered pizza. We had to laugh at that one! It was really so sweet and so generous and thoughtful of so many people. And, we almost felt gluttonous trying to eat it up and not waste it. My sis-in-law wrote on her fb page when she got home that she had gained 10 lbs in 5 days. I can believe it. Luckily my nasty cold kept me from doing the same. ;( Even though it seemed to be too much at times, I loved just knowing so many people were thinking of us, sending their best "comfort."
** So, we arrived Friday night, and as I mentioned, Brian was still in the middle of a fairly busy stretch. He brought his supplies so he could work at my parents' house during any "down" time. But once he started working, he realized the internet connection was too flaky for him to get all he needed from his colleagues. (Let's face it, my parents live out in the country, so their connection is s.l.o.w.) So, by Monday, he was in need of a good, fast connection so he could really make some progress on his work. That morning, as I was headed to town with the kids, he asked if I could drop him off at the library where he would try to work for a few hours. Unfortunately, the library was closed for Veterans' Day. So, instead I drove him over to McDonalds... free wi-fi. :) As he was getting out, Samantha started making her "order" for what she wanted to eat there. I told her, no, just Daddy was going in and was going to stay there for awhile. "What is Daddy doing there?" she wondered. "He's going to work there for a few hours," I told her. Long pause... "Hmm... I didn't know Daddy worked at McDonalds." ha! Brian and I had a good laugh about that, imagining him slipping into his uniform and flipping burgers for a few hours just to make a buck on the day of the viewing. :) Then again, I wonder what the McD's workers thought of him, sitting in a corner with a laptop, shuffling papers for 4-5 hrs that day!
** I mentioned how Wade's viewing was verrrry well attended, didn't I? And how we ended up staying until after 10:30 p.m.?? Well, we wondered what to do with our kids during that whole long time, but ended up just keeping them there with us. Spencer crashed out on the couch for a good 2+ hours, Nat played or watched someone play someone's phone or iPad, and Samantha "reverently" ran around the building with one of her favorite second cousins, Brecken. They weren't too whiney or bothersome, so we just kind of let them do their own thing, while we visited with friends and family for sooo long. The only down side was that they didn't get to bed until nearly midnight that night... And the next day was the funeral. You can bet I was nervous about how they might behave on so little sleep, sitting for an hour or two during the service. (ie. worse than Stake Conference, ya know?!) Turns out, I worried for nothing. We had another short viewing before the service, and both Spence and Nat were very fidgety and unsettled. Sweet Alicia and Scott got us some paper and pens from their car to hopefully occupy them. And then we went into the funeral. Within 5 minutes, Natalie had curled up on Brian's lap and was fast asleep. Ten minutes later, Spencer crawled under the bench at my feet and was also fast asleep. They both slept almost the ENTIRE service. Talk about a blessing!! Maybe keeping them up all hours the night before was the BEST plan, after all.
** Samantha sat next to me during the funeral, and her cousin, Brittany, sat on the other side of her. They took full advantage of that notepad Scott and Alicia gave us. And, what was so very sweet was that they both took notes about the service. Really mature of them, I thought. And, what she wrote was surprisingly insightful to me. After the service, Samantha asked me to hold onto her notes, which I am planning to put in her book of keepsakes. Here's what she wrote (which she may have copied some of it from Brittany, who is a year and a half older -- but not all was Britt's):
Wade's Funeral Service
1.He had lots of nicknames. 2. ADEWAY (piglatin for Wade) 3.Zwolf 4. Zachary 5. Wade loved to read. Good babysitter. Built forts with hay. Played Star Wars. Swam in canal. Not a fan of school. Good scouter. Loved poetry. Was concerned with everyone. Three farm jobs. Went on a mission in Argentina. Has lived in Boise, ID. Loved gaming. Nice. Liked to stay up late. Caring. Loved his family. Brian, Robert, Wade and Lance are oldest cousins. Always a good photographer. Perfect uncle. Camping is something fun. Blue is his favorite color. Good guy. One of a kind. Good example. Touches lives. Very Smart.
** More than 200 people stayed for the funeral dinner. It was like a huge family reunion, plus we got to meet lots of Wade's friends whom we had only ever heard about. It was a special time, but so sad to me, too. All this togetherness felt like somewhat of a celebration, but the guest of honor was very obviously missing. I got a plate and found a seat (not with Brian, the place was too packed for us to find seats together, crazy!). Then I sat there looking at my food with tears pouring down my cheeks. It was one of those moments where I just couldn't hold back the emptiness inside me. I kept my head down, tried to use my napkin discreetly, and tried not to make any eye contact to avoid an awkward explanation or conversation. As I sat there, feeling so alone, missing Wade so very much, I suddenly felt arms around me from behind. My cousin, Mary, (who is actually my cousin Robert's wife, so technically cousin-in-law, I guess?) was hugging me from behind, whispering in my ear the sweetest, most reassuring things. She didn't really say much, just the occasional, "I'm sorry," "We all miss him," "Our hearts are all broken." And she let me cry there for a few minutes. Then I was better. Sometimes that's just what we all need -- someone to let us cry for those few minutes until we can dry up and move on a little bit.
** The first night we got to my parents' house, we were eating some of those delicious desserts and snacks, and our kids started winding down, getting a little bit cranky. I was sitting at the breakfast bar with my dad and I noticed Spencer getting particularly ornery about something. I called out gently to him across the room, "Oh Spencer, come here, Baby Boy." My dad's eyes filled with tears and he swallowed that lump in his throat as he said to me, with lots of tearful pauses, "I've been saying that all day to myself -- My Baby Boy. He saved our marriage by coming when he did... your mom and I had been married nearly five years with no children... We'd kind of gone our own ways and weren't nearly as close as we once had been. Then, once we found out we were expecting that little Wade Boy, everything changed... My Baby Boy."
I don't know if I can ever say that again without thinking of my dad and his love for his own sweet Baby Boy.
** I mentioned we went up to Wade's house in Idaho Falls on Saturday night, just to start assessing what would need to be done to get it cleaned out and all his stuff stored or divided. Well, with so many people there at my parents' house, kids to be watched, etc., we were trying to decide who should go, who wanted to, who could? In the end, it was my parents, my three brothers, and me. We took Trent's Suburban -- er, I guess it's a Yukon, but close enough. Anyway. It seats seven. And there were six of us in the car. For the first time probably since we all married, we were just in the car with the immediate siblings and parents. And one empty seat. I kept looking at that seat where Wade should have been sitting. I cry as I think about it now. But you know what? That night I didn't cry, couldn't cry. It was another of those moments where we all just felt a little extra comfort and peace about things. I truly believe Wade was sitting in that seat with us, just for that little drive together as a family.
** Blue was Wade's favorite color. It's mine too, I just realized as I sat down to write this. I once saved up my own money at Christmas time when I was 12 or 13, and bought Wade this awesome blue sweatshirt from Big-E (like Kings) as a present. I had to skimp on everyone else's presents because Wade's cost more ... like maybe $12, big money, ya know? I was so proud of it, and was so pleased that he wore it all the time. It was a nice, bright royal blue, and it said SURF in big letters across the front with an iron-on picture of a wave behind it. Good stuff, eh? Well, I wore blue to his funeral, because it was his favorite, and because I don't like black at funerals. For heaven's sake, people! It's heartbreaking and depressing enough as it is to lose someone dear. Well! Black is just a downer. If you ever wonder, don't wear black to my funeral, okay? Wear blue, or white, or red, or anything NOT black, please. Wade's casket was a nice navy blue. I think he would have liked it. Here's a picture or two...
The paul bearers: Lance, Blaine and Trent (brothers), Brian (brother-in-law), Ladd and Shawn (Hone cousins), Brian Alan and Robert (Phelps cousins, who felt more like brothers to Wade)...
**And here's a pic of all the family leaving the funeral together, walking out to the limousines (yes, we got to ride in limousines, and Brian even got to drive one! I think even Wade would have thought that was pretty cool, eh?)
I borrowed these few pics from my sis-in-law, Lisa, because I don't know where our camera is and I know there's not a whole lot to upload from it, since I took very few pictures of this whole sad time. But I wanted to write about walking out after the service. The organist had just started playing a primary hymn, Families Are Forever." Our little niece, Brianna, recognized the tune, since she and her family had recently sung it in their sacrament meeting. She started in at the beginning, then sang the entire song in her little three-year-old voice as we walked to the cars... "Families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan. I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can." It was sweet and light and full of faith and hope. I loved it, and I think a lot of others took comfort from her sweet song as well.
Okay, I think I'm done for now. I'm glad to share these little bits that have meant something to me through all of this. I also want to share my faith, just briefly. I haven't made this a blog of faith, and I'm not sure why. But I believe in God. He has answered my prayers in real and meaningful ways all through my life -- ways that let me know He is there, He cares, and I am one of His own children. We all are. I have felt His hand in this time of grief and mourning. This is part of His plan, too. I've never faced death with the people who are closest to me before. But I have now. And I will again, and again, because it is part of the beauty and wonder of life. It's a sad part, but it's part of the plan -- for us to live, and then die -- for us to greet each other warmly and learn to love each other here, and then say our goodbyes one by one. I've been so grateful to really mourn and reflect on the beauty of Wade's life, the simplicity of his passing, and the influence he has left with us as he has gone. I believe in heaven, and life after this life. I believe Wade's spirit lives on and is not far from us, but that he has other work to do, other callings from God. He's such a social person, I believe he is meeting a whole new set of friends and family to love and serve. And, in a way, it brings me great comfort to know that he has gone ahead, and will be there for each of our family members, as our time comes. Mortality feels much more real to me now, and I'm feeling more and more at peace with it as I reflect, grieve, and move forward through this loss. I am so grateful to have faith that is seeing me through this loss. It doesn't take away the emptiness I feel at not having Wade here for the rest of my life. But it gives me hope for better things to come.
One of Wade's friends put this together and posted it on Wade's fb page...
Wade took the picture himself, about a week before he died, at Mesa Falls, near Island Park, ID. And the Louis L'Amour quote, well, Wade loved to read, and LL was one of his favorites from the time he was in middle school. :) A fitting tribute, I think. We had it enlarged and displayed it at his funeral.
Good night. A little earlier tonight, thank goodness! ;)
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