Prioritizing -- it ain't for wimps!

Ok, Blog. The inevitable has happened. I have taken so long to write the wonderful, happy thoughts and events that I really WANT to put up here. (Like Paris, for instance.) And now, I’m past the point of caring and I just NEED to put up some not-so-happy thoughts and frustrations, because they need to come out. In fact, I’m sensing a bit of a rant coming on here. So… sorry, Mom. I know you don’t approve of rants. But trust me, it’s better said here than unloading it all onto Brian.

In a recent Facebook exchange, a friend asked me what positive ways do I rely on to relieve stress and frustration. I started to analyze, and I realized one of my most often-used methods for relieving stress is to totally unload with my ever-loving and patient husband. He listens, he sympathizes, he hugs me until I feel better – or sometimes just throws chocolate at me, if that’s what I prefer. And then… I feel better. But guess what? Once I feel better, I have just totally thrown Brian a big ball of worry, concern, frustration, anger, or whatever else was bothering me. I don’t know what he does with it, but he doesn’t give it back to me. He lets me just feel better and the dark cloud goes away. It’s really selfless and generous of him, I know.

I have been doing this for years. Maybe even our whole marriage. And the poor guy just takes it. Even tonight, I started telling him the “rant” I’m going to write about here. (And you thought this was my rant, didn’t you? nope. This is just my preamble to the real rant.) He listened, and then he had to go upstairs and finish some work. I wasn’t finished working out my frustration, but I let him go because I actually realized I was unloading like usual. And I didn’t want to finish with him tonight. I want to stop using his patient, listening ear in that way. He probably doesn’t even know I didn’t finish unloading. But this is my small start to correct some unhealthy behavior that is most certainly a drag on our marriage.

So… instead, out comes my frustration on this beautiful, pristine virtual page. Lucky you! I have concerns that just need to be vented somewhere. I don’t know that there are answers or solutions to my problems. But they need a voice, and tonight, dear Blog, you are giving them that voice.

Here’s the dilemma…

I am a mother. And I love my children, my home, my family, my life. But I really struggle knowing how to properly prioritize my limited time and resources in a way that meaningfully meets the needs of all these wonderful different facets of my life. When I’m caring for my children, I feel the house closing in  on me in a dreadfully overwhelming way. The laundry alone threatens to swallow me alive, almost daily. When I’m doing the house chores, the mommy guilt sweeps in mercilessly and I find myself feeling three things that are not good: 1. irritation that I have to spend so much time keeping up with the house, that I can’t seem to stop and enjoy my dear children in their sweet innocence. 2. frustration at these little redistributors who keep making messes all. the. time. and have made these chores so endless and constant and repetitive that I can’t ever catch a break. 3. anxiety that I’m not spending enough quality time with them, teaching them the most important things that I really, really want them to learn.

Add on grocery shopping, doctor visits, and basic Mom scheduling stuff. I should be able to do this, right? I mean, it’s my job. But I usually feel like wherever I’m focusing my time and energy, I’m just simultaneously depriving some other number one priority. Sometimes I can deal with the balancing act. Other times I feel I’m just slipping in all directions. It's not that I'm comparing myself to what all the other SuperMoms are getting done. No, I'm just trying to keep up with my own "to do" list, and it's not getting done. My girls don’t even get their hair done half the time, just because it’s too much. Then there’s more guilt about that, of course.

Let’s talk for a minute about my friends and family relationships. I am a phone person. I am an email person and a facebook person. More recently, I am even a text person. I love these things because they keep me connected to the many, many wonderful people who have made my life rich and meaningful. For me, connecting with these people is PART of what makes my life rich and meaningful, even if there are no more everyday relationships happening there. Does that make sense?? So, even my cousins that I only see twice a year, or my old roommates that I see even less often… I still love and cherish them and the memories and the connection. I understand that not everyone is like me in this way. And I’ve come to be okay with that. Really. But… oh how hard it is for me to know how to prioritize the people who mean something to me, outside of my immediate family. I mean, I just confessed that I nearly drown in laundry almost every day. Right? But the “connector” part of me longs to talk on the phone and catch up with the people in my life. I long to sit on facebook and read about every little thing my friends are doing, just because I LIKE that. I like sending emails or texts to people, just to catch up. Because when I do, I feel like I’m saying, “you are still important to me, even though I don’t get to see you every day. I still think of you, and the connection we have still means something to me.”

But the everyday busyness around me makes that part of my life seem like it just MUST take a back seat. It MUST. Sometimes. And so then it feels like another “slip” – another something I wish I was doing better. I could at least send a little fb note, or text, right?? Add on some guilt. Sigh. We won’t even talk about my church calling tonight, or my spirituality, okay? Okay.

And now, recently, I’ve decided to throw another ball in the air. I’ve thought it would be a good idea to devote some real, consistent time to myself – making my health and wellness and fitness a priority. This is a GOOD thing, everyone tells me. I even tell myself it’s a good thing. And it really SHOULD be a good thing. But it doesn’t always feel like a good thing. It just feels like ONE. MORE. THING. And when I’m trying to push to find that extra half hour to exercise, or plan some healthy meals, or read my scriptures, I find myself getting irritated that my kids need me again. I feel really frustrated about all I have to do for them, because it means I can’t really have any time to take care of me. And how can I be the best Mom if I’m not taking care of me?! Or I resent the fact that dinner needs to be made or cleared – even though it’s my job and I really don’t mind it all that much. Or I pile the laundry high and just try to ignore it even though I know it will find me and consume me eventually. See where I’m going with this?? Putting *ME* on the list of priorities makes me feel even more frustrated with my list. And more guilty, because it means one more thing that isn't getting done very well. And I’m not sure what to do about it. Tonight, I feel like I was better off before this new kick. Like, what was I thinking, trying to do something for me?! Selfishness.

Sigh. The truth is, I was doing really well with exercising and healthy eating, for 3 1/2 weeks straight. Right through Christmas, people. I lost five pounds in December. Yay for me!! I should have blogged about it while I was on top. Because then… I got a cold, then I got strep. And I wrenched my back. And I ate crap and junk and all the wrong things over New Years and I’m not ready to get back on the wagon now that I steered so far off course. And I still don’t really have the strength to start up full swing anyway because my back is still sore and my throat still hurts.  And I look at how my house fell apart while I was taking extra time to exercise. And I look at the time I didn’t spend with my kids. And honestly, I didn’t have any extra energy… I guess I didn’t hit my groove yet or something? So I just felt tired and more tired most of the time.

So what to do? I really don’t know, right now. I want to find a healthier way to balance my various priorities. I want to find a better way to deal with stress and anxiety. I want to be more positive and optimistic and grateful. I really do. Maybe that’s a place to start, I guess. It’s a new year, I can try harder to develop a new perspective that includes balance, and health, and energy, and positive relationships with my kids and husband, as well as my family and friends, and a clean, organized house. Too much to ask for?? ;) And sparkly rainbows and unicorns, too, please!

That’s the end for tonight. This has been my *ME* time. And I feel better. Thanks!