I'm All In

It's been nearly five years since Wade passed away. I still miss my dear brother every single day. I look at his passing as a monumental time in my life. That was one of the very hardest years of my life! And yet, I can look back and see that a lot of growth and change has come in my life since then -- in a way, partly because of his death. Good change, though hard. Brian, more than once, has called it a "maturing" of my faith. I like that description and think I agree. I also think it's been a time where I have had to dig deep, and rely on the reservoirs of faith of past years and experiences.

See, Wade's death was different than I expected. That hole, that void left in his absence, was so severe, so dark and silent to me, at times. I'm not sure what I had expected, but the emptiness after he died was terrifying to me. In my darkest hours, that emptiness was overwhelmingly, indescribably heartbreaking, as I'm sure most anyone who goes through deep grief would tell you. The "indescribable" part is especially accurate, I think. And for me, it was faith-shaking. I felt so empty, I felt like he was so very gone from here. I projected my feelings into a fearful future, filled with the same dark, void with every goodbye I anticipate I will someday have to say to all my other loved ones. It left me feeling petrified and faithless, then guilty and ashamed for my lack of faith.

Of course I felt comfort -- at times. And I had to rely on those times to see me through some very real and trying darkness. I had dreams of Wade, very vivid dreams where I heard his voice, felt his embrace, even smelled his scent sometimes. I felt him in the car with me when I was driving alone a few different times. I still do, every now and then. I'm so grateful for those moments, those comforts and reassurances. But I also had times where I questioned and doubted where he was.Yes, I still believed in resurrection and life after death. But all the details of that future state seemed so very hazy and undefined. It felt like his soul had been flung to some far corner of another universe, sometimes. (In fact, if that's possible to go traveling to other universes, I actually think it's quite likely Wade would volunteer for some deep space exploring along that vein.)

Well, this isn't exactly a "quest" story here. I'm not even sure why I felt like I needed to start by sharing about Wade. I guess in a way that is where my "maturing" faith thought began. But I don't feel compelled to share every doubt and question and twist and turn along my journey here. It's not particularly relevant to my thoughts I wanted to share. I guess, I just wanted to give some background into my faith, and where I've been.

Since that time, in these past years, and especially more recently, I've been doing more soul-searching, more pondering and listening, more asking, more hoping and sincerely seeking. It's been refreshing and enlightening. It's not an ending, because of course I have more life to live here -- more growth and learning. But right now, I want to come clear with this declaration of faith: I'm ALL IN! I truly believe in a loving Savior, Jesus. I truly believe He has healing power, and that He has guided my path and soooo many, many others through the ages! I truly believe in a restoration of His truths, and in a glorious resurrection after this life, with a heaven of peace and joy and rest. Not just as some naive wish that we humans create to negate that fear of mortality, but as a reality we can hope for and trust! And when we DO trust, I fully believe that it's REAL, and He is there for us, and with Him, our life is MORE. More everything! More fulfilling, more peaceful, more filled with guidance and inspiration, more open to His will and His plans for us.

It's also true that I'm less sure about how things will look after this life; after losing Wade and experiencing that void and dark hole, I'm not so sure about all the details of exactly where our loved ones are right now... I mean, I believe our spirits go on, but I don't really know how involved they stay in our everyday mortal life, after they die.; the logistics and details are hazy, at best. But I do feel and trust and believe that there is a plan for our spirits after we leave this mortal life. And I believe we will know one another again. I believe the scriptures and the words of prophets on these questions and details, mainly because I know what it feels like to receive His Spirit, and I have felt multiple spiritual witnesses about this.

When I say, I'm ALL IN, I mean this: I made a covenant to try my best to be a true disciple of Jesus Christ and follow His commandments throughout my life, and I intend to work at keeping it, my whole life long. I remember making that covenant, a holy promise between me and God, when I was an 8-year-old girl. I didn't do it because my parents told me to -- although they did think it was a wonderful idea. I did it because I WANTED to. It felt so right and good to me. I have always had a very keen sense of what is right, and have been able to recognized spiritual promptings and guidance from a very early age. I REMEMBER being taught the plan of salvation by two missionaries as a 7-year-old girl, and feeling an amazing, sweet spirit of light and goodness during our discussion. I REMEMBER not being able to understand the one elder who spoke a foreign language and had a heavy accent. We prayed together that I would understand his words, and I DID, entirely. I REMEMBER that special day of my baptism, that promise, and that feeling. The scriptures teach us that the spirit will "teach us all things, and bring all things to our remembrance." I believe that is one of my spiritual gifts -- that I remember spiritual experiences, what they felt like and how they changed me. I remember my baptism, I remember the power of that moment and the amazing peace I felt. That covenant is sacred to me. I promised to follow Jesus Christ and live by His example and teachings. That is super hard sometimes, because I'm so flawed. But I'm ALL IN when it comes to trying.

I made more promises as a young woman at age 21, when I went to the temple for the first time. I believe in God. I believe He is there for us, and He believes in us, blesses us, and trusts us. And I believe the covenants I made in the temple were between me and God, my Heavenly Father. I promised Him that I would sacrifice, that I would put Him first in my life, that I would live a morally chaste life. I'm ALL IN. I'm going to keep trying to keep those covenants, because they are a sign between me and my God. In most every faith, people promise with God, and He blesses them. I am keeping on this covenant path because said I would, and because I have seen the wonderful fruits of living this good life in Christ all my life. I know firsthand the blessings of trying to follow the Savior Jesus Christ and live His gospel to the best of my ability. That's why I'm ALL IN.

I hardly ever talk about my faith or my relationship with God on this blog. But I am tonight. It's a very real part of who I am, and who I hope to become.

My Birthday -- celebrating another wonderful year!

July 20, 2018

It’s my birthday. I’m 43 years old today. I’ve had a rollercoaster of emotions today, punctuated with some serious exhaustion. The fatigue is the result of too many late nights. The rest… well, I think it’s just the analytical side of me, kicking in and really scrutinizing my life and where I am and what I’m doing. The days are long and slow, but the years have been sliding by with ever increasing speed! Here are 43 things I’m grateful for today… 

1.  Our beautiful home with plush, thick newish carpet. I love coming home to our home. We drive up and I almost pinch myself, to think how lucky/blessed I am to live here, with so much space and a big back yard and bbq grill. Good things!

2.  My amazing husband, who is ever so patient and good to me. I love being able to trust him and rely on him. He is my rock, my best friend. We’re so good for each other and I feel very blessed to have him in my life.

3.  Our beautiful, loving, bright children. All four of them are precious miracles to me. I might have to list them individually, so they know how important they are to me. J But for now, I’m thinking this list will be quite full.

4.  My parents, so thoughtful, generous and loving. They have been so supportive of me and have encouraged me to do and be my best, all throughout my life. I’m grateful for their examples, their personalities, and their faith. I love our family memories they helped us create.

5.  Four brothers. I’m missing Wade especially much today. I’d love a call from heaven. But the others have called and I am blessed to feel their love.
   . Amazing parents-in-law. I love Brian’s parents so very much and am so grateful our kids get to have special, necessary, powerful relationships with their grandparents. I firmly believe these relationships will shape their life for the good, for years to come. I love that we live close enough to be in their everyday lives.

7.  Good friends. So many good friends. I have memories that will make me smile forever, with so many good people in my life, through all my various stages and ages.

8. Good books. I like to read and imagine and lose myself in someone else’s story. I especially love mindless, light, romantic reads right now, -- things that take me away and lighten my heart. One day, I hope to write some of my own good books!

9. My Grandma Eva. I’ve loved reminiscing her sweet life this last month as I was able to be in her home and go through some of her precious keepsakes. I have learned so much from her through the years, and I love her dearly.

10.   Our car and truck. We are rich. We have vehicles, and they work and get us where we need and want to go. We have money enough to put gas in them, every single time they get low. That’s really a modern day miracle, just to have cars that run and get us places. So wonderful!

11.   A good education. I loved going to school. I loved my professors and the things I learned at BYU and Ricks College. I am grateful for the experiences I had there that have broadened my mind and shaped my character for the good.

12.   My new sewing machine. It’s so fast and easy and I’ve got ideas and plans for things I want to make with it. I’m glad it was so easy to set up and start using right away!

13.   Cupcakes. And Cori. She’s such a dear friend and she brought the most amazing cupcakes for my birthday today. I’ve been munching on them all day, with a smile.

14.   A washing machine and dryer. I talked to dear Randi in Peru today, and remembered there are many things I very often take for granted – and even complain about. The washer and dryer (and the many loads of clothes I do each week) are sometimes on that list. But I am ever so grateful to have them. And hot, running water to fill them and my shower each day.

15.   The gospel of Jesus Christ. I’m ever learning and growing, sometimes stumbling and questioning. But I love the covenants I’ve made that bind me to my Lord. I feel the power of them in my everyday life, and love my faith in Christ.

16.   My body is a gift. I have eyes that see, hands to serve, ears to hear, lips to kiss and speak, all the wonderful parts of me that function on their own every day. Certainly I take this gift for granted and abuse it with too much food and too little exercise. But I try to use wisdom and balance. And I am truly grateful for all my physical capabilities!

17.   Online recipes. It’s kind of a hobby, I guess, for me to read online recipes. I don’t cook too many of them, but I love reading about the different possibilities of amazing foods! So fun and amazing to me, almost like reading a good book!

18.   The telephone. I love to hear the voice a friend on the phone. I have very few friends who actually call anymore. And recently I was told it’s because I like to talk too long. It’s true! Ha! I love that way of connecting with people I love. I sure love it when I get a call!

19.   Modern technology. It’s a good thing, and a hard thing. There’s too much connection sometimes. It’s addictive. But there are also AMAZING things that come from our modern world. Like amazon, blogs, facebook, pandora, etc.

20.   Trek. This was a beautiful experience for me. I learned some things spiritually that I did not know before. I was changed for the better during my time there, and have a greater appreciation and reverence for the sacrifices made by so many faithful saints who came to this land in search of peace.

21.   My wedding ring. It’s so lovely to me, so beautiful and sparkly. I just got it re-plated this summer and it is gorgeous!!

22.   Air conditioning. Where would I be without the sweet, refreshingly cool air in our house all day and night?! I’m glad Brian believes in making the house even COOLER at night, so we sleep so comfortably!

23.   Our Shark vacuum. I love how it “pulls” along and swivels so easily. I remember having NO vacuum in London, when we first got married, and how excited I was when I spent 15 pounds at a budget store and got a cheapo vacuum. It did the job!! 

24.   The mountains. We took a wonderful drive on our way home from camping last week. The views in all directions were absolutely stunning! It made me feel so close to Heavenly Father.

25.   Swimming. While we were camping, we had some great times swimming in the lake. I love to be in the water and am grateful I can swim and mainly tread water easily, which is so relaxing.

26.   Summertime. So much good stuff happens in the summer. I love lazy days, late night sunsets, water fun, road trips, family reunions, and watermelon – all things summertime!

27.   My bed. When we got married, my dad said we should invest in a King Size Bed. Yay! Best. Advice. Ever!

28.   Traveling. Oh we have done some amazing, wonderful traveling in these last years as a family! It’s been so fantastic to see so many gorgeous, interesting places, and to have the means to go, and to bring our kids along. I love Brian’s sense of adventure, which often outweighs my sensible homebody way and fills our life with sweet memories and new experiences.

29.   Sisters-in-law. I didn’t grow up with a sister. I have friends that have felt like sisters at times when I’ve needed that kind of companionship. I love all my sisters-in-law very much. Some of them, I feel so very close to. Others, I long to be closer to.

30.   Balloons and streamers. Brian did a little bit of birthday decorating for my day today. Made me smile, especially when I saw how excited it made the kids get! Just a little bit of happiness, right there!

31.   The Book of Mormon. I’ve read it and I believe it to be the word of God. I believe it is inspired for our day, and the teachings in it help me to feel the Spirit and better understand my purpose here on earth. There is real peace in that book. I love the New Testament as well, especially the four gospels. Scriptures connect me to people who knew God in the same way I want to.

32.   Our little neighborhood. I go for lots of morning walks, and usually just trace the paths in our neighborhood. It’s quiet and peaceful. There are lots of trees. I’d love to know my neighbors better. The ones I do know are lovely.

33.   Our old neighborhood, in Caldwell. I miss living there, and the people around that area. I had some good friends and neighbors that I really still miss and love a lot.

34.   Raspberries. It’s raspberry season, and oh how I love those little berries. My favorite fruit, especially slightly frozen, served with milk and sugar.

35.   Teachers through the years. I often think back to the many wonderful women and men in my life who touched me, changed me, taught me things that helped me progress – Mrs. Mann, Mrs. Thompson, Mr. Gardner, Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Moysh, Mrs. Manwaring, Mr. Chase, Mr. Merritt, even my little kindergarten teacher Mrs. Torgersen. Good people, these teachers! They don’t get a lot of thanks for all their hard work. But I sure have appreciated them in my heart.

36.   Music. Oh what a gift music is in my life. Mainly the music of my heart. I am so grateful to hear music, and be able to play it out and express it. I love to play and hear and feel the music in me.

37.   Our beautiful piano, my instrument of choice. It’s one of my treasures that makes me smile most any time.

38.   Spencer’s soft baby skin, even at age ten. I love to kiss his cheeks or feel his soft hand in mine, my boy.

39.   Natalie’s little freckles across her nose. I think they are most adorable. And her sweet, girlish voice is so tender and endearing to me.

40.   Samantha’s perfectly golden hair. It’s a crazy mess these days, as she learns to tame it and nurture its curls. But it’s perfect to me, in many ways.

41.   Snuggles with Camille in the morning. She’s our most affectionate kiddo, by far. And I relish those moments with her. She also has the cutest hug-and-kiss ritual every night, with big "blow kisses" on each of my cheeks, and a kiss on my forehead, nose, and chin. It's adorable

42.   The temple. I feel peace there. I feel goodness and connection. I feel trust and renewal. I feel Heaven. I feel commitment and covenants and determination. I feel unity and strength from others. Our new Meridian Temple is a beautiful blessing in my life. I feel my Savior's love there, and it strengthens my faith.

43.   Birthdays. I've had soooo many wonderful ones! Each year is such a blessing and a gift to me. I’m so glad to live to see another beautiful year to its close and to begin anew.

Lovely New Zealand, so very lovely.

So, we didn't get off to the best start with our New Zealand adventure. We were all tired and had a hard time pulling out that first morning there, after our late night at the airport. But Brian got up and went to the airport to get our rental car, while I roused the kids. We ended up with a regular minivan this time, which was a nice switch from the HUGE fullsize vans (wimpy engines) we had with both our rentals in Australia. We left Auckland and headed South toward Hamilton, to meet up with our friends, the Jensens. We had decided to do much of our NZ time together, including renting a house together, which worked out nicely.

We met them at the LDS Temple, outside of Hamilton. What a lovely place! The temple is HUGE, and the grounds are gorgeous. It is surrounded by green, rolling hills and farmlands. There is a nice, large visitor's center, where we looked at church history memorabilia of the area and talked to some nice senior missionaries from the States. We probably stayed too long, but it was relaxing and enjoyable to be out of the car in ideal weather.

Eventually, we discussed with the Jensens and decided to go see the Waimoto Glowworm caves, about a hour away. We had read about them and heard the tours were less than an hour long, usually something you can walk up and get right in. Well... too bad for us, that was not the case. We wound around a lot and the drive ended up taking quite a bit longer. It was a beautiful drive, though, so we didn't really mind just looking at the countryside on our way. But then, we went to get tickets for the tour only they were booked up for most of the rest of the day, and we missed out! We let the kids play at a cute little park nearby for a half hour or so, then started back. We headed to our place, only to find our GPS led us astray and we ended up pretty lost, in the dark, driving on the left side of the road, on winding little roads near the ocean for a couple of hours. Oh, how I wish it had been light for that little escapade. I'm still wondering what scenery we missed on that drive!

We finally found our place, an airbnb house in Cambridge that we shared with the Jensens. That was fun to stay together, though I'm afraid the room for Troy and Lynda-Sue was tight and not so comfy... not like it looked in the pictures. I felt bad about that. :( But it was a nice house, and met our needs just fine. It had a great big kitchen and dining area where we tended to congregate and visit together. And a nice living room where the kids played games and talked at different times.

Anyway, that's as much as I'm going to write in this post, and will continue telling about some of our sites in another post...

One Bad Apple

This is the part of our trip that I’ve been reluctant to write about. In fact, it’s kind of been the stand-still for finishing writing about our amazing time in New Zealand. But it must be told, I suppose…

We had a nice flight to New Zealand, complete with dinner and all-you-can-watch TV binge all the way there. We arrived slightly after midnight, feeling really exhausted. Their customs line was extensive. We had filled out our declarations cards on the plane, but there were still long lines to wait in. We gathered our luggage and headed to the check-point where you have to officially “declare” stuff. Well, there were some yellow warning signs, stating that if you had any forbidden items in your luggage, you may be charged $400. So, when we got up to the lady asking about all our declarations, we tried to get ultra specific… Yes, we had some food – almonds, trail mix, some peanut butter and jam, oh, and some carrots. We had already throw away some meat and cheese, knowing it wouldn’t be acceptable. The lady smiled at all our kids, asked them how their trip to Australia had been, and she took our carrots. Then they took our 13 bags and put them through an x-ray machine to make sure we weren’t bringing in any forbidden items.

Guess what?

We had an apple.

One lone apple, accidentally packed in a grocery bag with some dry pasta. It had been in my suitcase since Melbourne. When we got to Sydney, it got repacked in our extra duffle bag, somehow. I had no idea it was there. Brian didn’t remember that it was there. But well…

They acted like we were bringing in 50 pounds of cocaine or something! I'm not kidding!! They dragged our whole, tired family over to a separate area for further inspection. They opened up all our bags and did more detailed inspections of everything. They kept asking Brian over and over if he knew the apple was there, if he packed it there himself, etc. We both told them repeatedly that we honestly didn’t remember it was there or we would have given it to the lady who took our carrots. By this time, it was well after midnight, all our kids were whimpering and wilting and trying to rest on hard-back chairs or slumping on the floor. There were two other people who had also been detained – a 60-ish man who had two oranges in his carry on bag; he said his sis-in-law had put them in there for him to eat on the plane. He thought she gave him two, but she gave him four. Well, he ate two, and two were magically in his bag. Criminal offense!! The other lady had also smuggled an apple. She only spoke Spanish and kept repeating in a pleading voice something about “manzana, lo siento, etc.”

Those  New Zealand airport people showed NO MERCY!! A $400 fine for a single apple! I kind of get irate every time I think about it. My heart beat is elevated and I’m breathing a little fast even as I type this. Sigh. The attendant said, with a “no-excuses” tone, “You packed your own bags, you should know what is in them.” I tried to explain that we had THIRTEEN bags for our family of six, and we had been traveling all over Australia for nine days before this flight. He just shook his head and didn’t listen at all. Even Brian was starting to get worked up. (I know! Hard to imagine, right?!) But it did no good.

The various attendants kept saying, “we had signs posting a warning that you may be fined.” Yeah, MAY be fined, which, in any SANE, MERCIFUL country is took to mean, if we intend to start an apple farm and we’re intentionally smuggling in loads of apples, we deserve a penalty. But anyway… aggghhh! It was pretty terrible. And, it really didn’t help that it was 1:30 in the morning and we were just soooo very exhausted.

We had called a guy from our hotel shuttle service to give us a lift as soon as we got off the plane. We had to call him back three different times to tell him not to come yet, we were still detained. He was very accommodating, and did eventually come for us, which was super nice of him (even though it was also his job). He was from the Philippines. He said one of his “aunties” from the Philippines had been found with an orange in her luggage and was also charged. And, of course, to a Philippine worker lady, that $400 fine was a terrible, terrible loss of income for her and her family. That kind of put things into perspective for us… Yes, we were upset. Yes, that was an unjust fine in our opinions. Yes, the nice lady who smiled and took our carrots could have also said, by the way if you go to the next station and they find ANY shred of ANY kind of raw fruit, honey, cheese, etc, you WILLLL be fined (not just MAY), no negotiating, explaining or excusing! Yes, it was expensive. Yes, it still irks us, as you can tell... But we were still able to go on and enjoy the rest of our vacation and do all the fun things we had planned. We’re pretty lucky/blessed/spoiled, we know. (We even still did Hobbiton.)

We got to bed about 2:30am that night, which was rough. We kind of felt it for the rest of our trip, too. But we were safe and slept in a bit. And, with a little sleep on our side, we decided not to hold it against the entire country of New Zealand. And since we came home, Brian has written an appeal, begging forgiveness for our poor judgment, etc. We’ll have to see… But seriously, that was one terribly bad rotten apple!! We haven’t been able to eat an apple since, without talking about our very expensive Australian apple in NZ (which we still haven’t officially paid for… fingers crossed there may still be some mercy down the line somewhere?) Sigh.

Some Fun in Sydney!

Well, first off, I have to tell you... I had a little dream-come-true in Sydney, our first night there. Drumroll, please!.... The END of daylight savings happened!! That’s right! Just a few short weeks ago, I joined the ranks of America and LOST an hour of my day to begin the tiresome getting-used-to-early-mornings-and-kids-who-dislike-going-to-bed-while -it's-still-light-outside, which we call daylight savings. (You all know from previous discussion how I feel about DLS, right?) Well, then… how exciting it was to have our friends (McAllisters) at the beach on our way up to Sydney remind us – not only were we headed into Easter Sunday, but it was also the END of Australia’s daylight savings time! All my family can tell you… I was absolutely giddy at this news. Yay! It felt like a gift!

So, I therefore used that little gift by staying up until 1a.m. preparing a lovely Easter morning for our kids. Yes, the Easter Bunny found us, even all the way in Sydney! And I daresay the Easter Bunny spent A LOT on candy and treats, because it doesn’t come cheap in Sydney. And there were no jelly beans or peeps, which was a small tragedy. Instead, the kids got to find large, foil-wrapped chocolate Cadbury eggs hidden around our hotel room (which were divine, btw,) and cute Cadbury frogs, as recommended by the McAllisters. And the clever Bunny knew it would be hard to travel with baskets, so she left the kids’ treats in cute little Easter gift bags instead.

After a delicious breakfast of chocolate and mentos, (typical Easter breakfast, right??) we got ready and headed out to church. There was a church service happening just a short walk from our hotel. So we went to their sacrament meeting. It was a singles ward, and was their fast and testimony meeting. I wanted to share my testimony, but felt reluctant to do so, being a visitor and all. Then a remarkable thing happened – I had prepared in my mind some of the things I would share if there was a lull. And yes, there was a lull. I started to get up, but another man seated a few rows back stood up. He and his family were also visiting. He shared a very beautiful testimony, and shared almost EXACTLY the very thoughts I was having! I listened to him, and felt such a warm, sweet spirit. It was lovely. I felt as though I had just shared my own testimony. Hard to describe why it meant so much, but it was a very sweet, spiritual moment for me.  They also had a gorgeous musical number of several missionaries singing an arrangement of “If the Savior Stood Beside Me.” I was so very glad we attended that meeting.

We then went over to St. Mary’s Cathedral that was also fairly close. We had wanted to attend their solemn mass ceremony, which seemed like a neat thing for Easter Sunday. But we arrived late and the service was almost over. I slipped in the back of the chapel and observed the last few minutes while Brian stood outside with the kids. When it was over, we toured the cathedral quickly. Stained glass windows are always a highlight for me and Brian. The smell of burning incense from the mass ceremony was NOT something our kids enjoyed, so we didn’t stay long. The archbishop was handing out large chocolate eggs to all the children as we exited the cathedral. Our kids didn’t feel like waiting in line to get one from him, but a kind lady just handed one to each of them, without having to meet the archbishop.

Then we walked to a park where a man had a big bubble-blowing station set up. We watched for awhile, and the kids popped all the bubbles that other children were blowing. Finally they paid the man a dollar apiece to blow their own bubbles. Spencer and Natalie were in heaven. We could have stayed for another hour or so, but decided to move on with our day.

We made our way further downtown and stopped at a mall with a really nice food court, where we ate some lunch. We let the kids choose what they wanted – Spencer and Natalie shared a large Caesar salad (which Spencer claimed was “the best salad I’ve ever tasted in my whole entire life!”) Samantha shared a large pesto pasta salad with Camille, and I got a Greek salad. Brian got some kind of sandwich, which I tasted. We were all very happy to eat our own picks. Then we rode the escalators allllll the way up to the top floor of the mall. NINE escalators in a row, I counted! When we got to the top, there was a big toy store with so many fun toys and displays! Spencer loved the huge Lego creations, and Camille and Natalie found some fun ponies. Samantha was looking at the little Ty stuffed animals with the huge eyes that she loved. Then they all played with some interactive camera/video stations for awhile.

We left the mall (riding down all those escalators again, so fun!), and walked over to the harbor. Kids whined and complained about this, because it was HOT, and it was a bit of a walk, and they were tired. But we made it, and we rested on a dock and fed the fish some dried chickpeas that I had bought that weren’t as tasty as I was hoping. While we were feeding the fish, Natalie accidentally dropped her tiny little “petshop” plastic puppy into the harbor. She had just gotten it in her Easter bag that morning, so it was a little bit devastating. But we eventually cajoled her out of it, making jokes about “poor Hershey dog, Rest In Water.” Camille told her, “don’t worry. You will see him again when you get resurrected!” ??

By this time, we had one kid who reaaaally wanted to go back to the hotel. A fit was pitched and we almost caved. But it was only about 4pm, and we weren’t really ready to call it a day. So we struck a bargain with him (not naming his name here, of course): walk down to the ferry with us, and we’ll ride the ferry then catch a cab home afterward. Done!! The ferry ride was PERFECT! Just what Brian and I were hoping for! It made it even better that the ticket machine where we boarded was being fixed, so the ferry operator guy let us ride for free, saving us $20! On the water it was much cooler, and we were sitting instead of walking so everyone got to rest and perked up a little. We sat on the top deck to feel the wind and waves and sunshine, so nice! We rode under the mighty Harbour Bridge, and went right up next to the Sydney Opera House, getting some great pictures of both. We actually saw some tiny little people climbing up on the top of the Harbour Bridge, pretty amazing and daring! (And pricey too… we looked into it, and it’s over $150 per person to make the climb – over $350 to do it at sunset!! You can even have a WEDDING up there, but I have no idea how expensive that would be!!)

We rode the ferry way out to then of the harbor to its last departure point, then stayed on and rode back to the Sydney Opera House stop. We got off there and renegotiated with our not-so-tired kid who now wanted to at least walk by the Opera House since we were so close and all. ha! It was really neat to walk up close to it, and kind of walk around a bit. But we didn’t feel like paying for a tour to see inside ($37 per person). Instead, we decided to meander through the nearby Botanical Gardens before finding an Uber ride back to our hotel. It was getting dark by then and we were all hungry and ready to rest. So we refreshed at our place for a few minutes while Brian located a good Middle Eastern restaurant nearby. Then we walked there and had a nice “Easter Dinner” of hummus, tabbouleh (Camille said, "this salad just tastes like grass," lol! and didn't eat it which meant more for me!), falafel, kebabs, lamb, and Turkish delight and baklava for dessert. (If you think about it, that’s probably more like what they would have had traditionally, back in the Holy Land, back in the day, eh?)

The next day was kind of a hang-out day. We were tired. We were ready to take it easy. So we asked for a late check-out at our hotel. (Oh, I forgot to mention, we found a good hotwire deal on our hotel – good enough that we got two rooms, first time ever! Samantha and Spencer stayed in the room next to ours, all by themselves, brave kids!) We took the kids swimming at our pool for a nice long time. Then packed up all our stuff while listening to some of General Conference (which was still happening in the States, even though it was Monday morning for us.) Once we checked out, we left our luggage at the front desk and caught an Uber downtown again to a posh bookstore. Brian had seen a book in a gift shop near the Opera House that he was hoping to get a copy of. But no luck. Instead, we were looking at VERY overpriced stationary and knick-knacks. (Made me nervous, with four kids touching everything!) Spencer somehow wandered upstairs, and found an expensive whoopie cushion, which he filled and “tooted” several times before tossing it over the balcony!! (arrrg!! Kids!) When being severely scolded by mom he just replied, “What?! I wasn’t trying to hurt anybody or anything. It was just a whoopie cushion.” And then we left.

We wandered into some other shops, got ice cream cones at McDonalds, then rode another ferry around for a bit. We also stopped at a couple of souvenir shops and let the kids pick some stuff to bring home. Camille got a tiny koala stuffed bear. Natalie got a “real” princess crown (but it broke before we arrived home), and I got a little stuffed Kangaroo. Brian picked up some magnets for us and his parents. Not sure what Samantha and Spencer decided on because I had to take Camille for an emergency bathroom trip while Brian wrapped up that purchase. Lol! Then, off to the airport in another Uber ride. We had a 6:30 flight to Auckland, that arrived at nearly midnight NZ time. Whew! Luckily the flight had TVs and everyone happily watched shows and ate a meal on the way there. Goodbye lovely Australia!! It really was a great time and we’d definitely do it again!

Melbourne and the Southern Coast

We flew to Melbourne on a late-night flight, arriving just before midnight. Camille was soooo very tired, and we had to drag all our luggage a looong way before we finally got a taxi to our place. I thought I’d booked something close to the airport. But it turns out, it was a good 25 minutes from the airport, and quite a pricey ride! But we weren’t renting a car our first day, so it was better to be closer into the city, near a good train connection. The place we stayed was something I found on booking.com, and was a bit older, but really nicely cared for and comfortable. The host left us bread, jam, juice, milk and butter in the fridge, as well as some hot cross buns for Easter, and four chocolate bunnies for the kids. We thought that was a nice touch, and the kids dug right in on the bunnies, even before bed.

In the morning, we had the hot cross buns for breakfast – they’re a somewhat sweet roll with raisins. The kids liked them best with butter and jam, which was nice. Then we got ready and set out to find the train. It wasn’t a far walk, but it was a bit of a fiasco getting tickets. With the kids, we had to buy special cards to put money on, and they weren’t cheap! After a bit of a hassle and some waiting, we finally got the train and headed downtown. We got out at the main station, and walked several blocks to get to the Eureka Sky Deck building. Our friends, Tanya and Michael Peel had arranged to meet us for the afternoon, and were waiting outside the Sky Deck with two of their three little boys. It was so lovely to reconnect with them! Brian and I knew them when we lived in London; they went to church with us, and we attended Michael’s baptism. They eventually moved back to Australia and are now living just outside of Melbourne. Michael arranged to take the day off so we could spend quality time together. They waited for us while we went up the Sky Deck tour. Then we had lunch together and wandered through some parks together for a few hours.

The Sky Deck tour was great! 88 floors to the top, and some gorgeous views of the city from the tallest building in Australia. We mailed post cards to grandparents from the “highest post box in Australia,” which was fun. Brian and Samantha and Spencer paid extra to go out on a glass floor block called “The Edge.” They said it was pretty cool! I stayed with Camille and Natalie, who were having a great time playing in the instant photo booth.

With Tanya and Michael, we went to a food court for lunch and let the kids choose whatever they wanted, which was fun… We are NOT eating out a lot on this trip, so we try to make it extra special in some way when we do. Spencer and Natalie got individual pizzas, Camille got popcorn chicken, Samantha got a big Caesar salad, and Brian and I both got Thai food. It was fun “pleasing” everyone. We were going to follow it with ice cream for all, but the lovely little ice cream shop we looked at was charging $5 for a one scoop cone! So we got a large soda at Subway and shared it instead, for $3.80.

It was really fun catching up with our friends, hearing what they’ve been up to and how their kids are doing. It felt like we had hardly been apart, though it’s been nearly a decade. I love those kinds of connections that just still feel very close.

After we left them, we rode the tram down to a pier and walked along a boardwalk. The kids waded in the ocean for a few minutes, but it was cold and getting dark. So we went across the street to a fish-and-chips shop. We made all the kids try the fish, and told them they could fill up on chips if the fish was not to their liking. Only Spencer really enjoyed it, but they all gave it a good effort anyway.

The next day, Brian set off early to go get our rental car. (He’s so amazing to just keep going, going!!) I got the kids up and moving and we left our fun little place to go for a day trip on The Great Ocean Road! It was a long day with quite a bit of driving, but we had a really nice time. The GOR was beautiful and did NOT disappoint! We stopped at a lighthouse with incredible views of a rocky coastline below. Then we stopped at a lookout after winding along a huge expanse of beach for several miles. 

The highlight, of course, was getting to the Twelve Apostles rock formations, out in the sea. That was pretty spectacular. We stopped at the nearby Loch Ard Gorge and let the kids wade and dig at the beach there. It got its name because a ship called the Loch Ard crashed nearby. Of the 40-something people on board, only two survived – a man and a woman. The man washed up on the shore of the gorge, then heard the woman screaming and holding onto wreckage from the ship. He swam out and rescued her, then they both had to be rescued from the gorge. Pretty harrowing story!

Anyway, it was a great day for me. I love picturing those cliffs and crashing waves in my memory now!! So beautiful and stunning! We wound our way back through the countryside and stayed at a place near the coast in Torquay. It was a great place – a two room condo unit done by Worldmark. We slept in a little bit there and had a nice breakfast and quick swim before taking off to start our drive up the other side of the coast, toward Sydney.

On our way out of town, we had planned to stop and ride The Puffing Billy, a historic steam train that runs through the rainforest. Well, we miscalculated our time and ended up not making it there until after 1pm, and we still had a 7-hour drive ahead of us to get along up the coast. So, we opted to not ride the train, sadly. But we did stop at Grant’s Picnic ground nearby, a place Kerri had recommended. We had sandwiches and snacks, then took a little nature walk through the rainforest. The kids got to feed big, white cockatoo birds right out of their hands!! It was pretty exciting, and we took a ton of pictures and videos of them.

Then, we drove. And drove. And drove. It was long and tiring. But we listened to some CD audio books that I checked out from the library before we left. That was a huge help with keeping the kids occupied in the car. “Land of Stories” is our series. Pretty entertaining, but not too scary even for Natalie and Camille.

We stayed in a little KOA park place. Nothing fancy, but good enough for the night. There was a playground right behind our little cabin, so the kids got to play for a few minutes while Brian and I packed up. Funny thing about that place… there were these peeping birds that did a high-pitched “peep!!” every few seconds, allll night long! Crazy!! Made it kind of hard to sleep!! Ha!

So, one of the main reasons I wanted to drive the coastal highway was to go to Pebbly Beach, which I had read about. There were pictures – LOTS of pictures – of wild kangaroos that just hang out on the beach. It was somewhat out of the way, and would have been a few hours faster to drive inland and go through Canberra instead. But I was set on visiting Pebbly Beach, and so we did! And… no kangaroos. Sigh. Well, actually, eventually one tiny baby kangaroo came out and just stood there for a few minutes. But the kangaroo aspect was rather anticlimactic.

The good news is, we got to meet up with Toby and Sarah McAllister and their children! At Pebbly Beach! Yay! They were also friends that we had known in London. They saw our posts online and arranged to meet us there at Pebbly Beach. We had soooo much fun visiting with them, letting our kids get to know each other and play in the water and in the sand. They have a precious little 8-month old baby girl, Aubrey, who was super cuddly and fell asleep in Brian's arms. What a love! 

We stayed for a few hours, and they had brought some snacks and treats that they shared with us – even fun Australian treats for the kids to try. We talked about what each of our families has been doing recently, and all the fun, crazy memories from our time together in London North Ward. We laughed and joked a ton! We really enjoyed catching up with them and had a hard time parting. As we were leaving, Natalie called out to them, “Bye! We’ll see you later!... or, actually… probably never!” lol!! I hope that’s not the case. But it made us all laugh!

On we went. On and on into the night, on to Sydney!! Which will be another post. =o)

Brisbane Details

Well! Our time in Brisbane is at an end, and now we’re headed on to Melbourne. I have to say, I was quite captivated by Brisbane. We have friends that we met in NY when we lived there, who call Melbourne their home. They were away so we didn’t get to see them this trip. But I found myself thinking of them and how amazing it must be to live here! It’s just a beautiful city! The mild weather and all the trees of course helped me to like it even more. Lovely, lovely place!

So, our second day in Brisbane, we went up the coast to a church meeting. We arrived just as they were starting the sacrament – a little late, too bad. But we stayed for the service which was really nice. A missionary spoke first – from NAMPA, Idaho!! So great, right?! We talked with him briefly afterward. His talk was followed by a newly returned missionary sister, who gave a really nice talk about being yourself and finding your true spiritual self. 

After the meeting, we met up with Jensens and headed further north, to Noosa Head National Park. We had planned a quiet picnic and a coastal walk. Well, it turns out that everyone in the whole of Queensland must have had similar plans, because the place was packed!! Not even a parking spot ANYWHERE near the park entrance. So we drove down to a different beach and had our picnic. Brian had put together a delicious pasta salad for us that we really enjoyed. And Lynda-Sue brought stuff for chicken salad sandwiches as well. Very tasty lunch! Then we let the kids dip their toes in the water for a bit – which turned into some very serious “wading.” (Read that, “not swimming on Sunday, but really looking a lot like swimmers, in church clothes.”)

After that, we made our way back to the park and it had cleared out slightly, so we parked and walked the trails as we had planned. It was gorgeous! Lots of waves crashing against rocks and cliffsides below, and sweeping beaches of white sand and palm trees. Our hike turned out to be a bit over four miles round trip. That was pretty long for our littlest Camillie girl. But she did ok, and got some head rides from Daddy. And the other kids did really well, despite not really wanting to hike as much as they preferred staying at the beach where we had picnicked. The farthest point was a lookout called Hells Gate, with a rock-walled cove we could look down into from way above, and watch the water roiling and broiling against the rocks. It was pretty spectacular!

When we got home that night, everyone was pretty tired out. So I made a quick dinner of fried eggs and toast and we headed to bed fairly early… like 8pm for the kids, 9:30ish for me and Brian. Not bad!!

Monday was our day to head to the Australia Zoo! This was something I personally have been looking forward to on this trip, and it did NOT disappoint! It was even more impressive to me than I had been hoping! School is back in session here, since they’re headed into winter time. So it almost felt like we had the place to ourselves. There were zookeepers everywhere, with displays or animals to touch or pet or learn about. Samantha and Spencer held a big lizard and petted a great big green snake. And they touched some porcupine thing… forgot what he was called. We saw giant tortoises that are the same age as me and Brian, and will live to be 150 years old! The zookeepers were feeding them and giving lots of info to make it interesting. The real highlight was probably the kangaroos. They were in a separate enclosure with gates. We passed through the gates, and we were right in their pasture with them!! It was so cool! The only rules were to be gentle, don’t feed them people food, and don’t chase them. But there were no zookeeper “guards” on duty or anything. We just got to walk right up to them and pet them! They were so soft and so cute and fun to see! All the kids were super excited to pet them, and Camille kept trying to give them little acorn nuts she was finding on the ground, so cute. 

We also petted a koala, which was pretty cool too. Except, did you know koalas actually sleep 18-20 hours a day!? They’re pretty much like sloths, but cuter. Haha! I didn’t know that, so I was kind of underwhelmed watching them because they just don’t do much. But it’s neat to say we all petted a koala, right?! (We could have paid $25 apiece to actually hold and cuddle one, and get our picture taken. But hey, the petting part came with our entrance fee, so… you do the math.)

We also saw a crocodile show with a 350+ lb croc named Murray. The zookeepers had lots of fresh meat for him, and told us lots of crocodile facts while he went chasing them around, doing tricks to get his meat. He looked really ferocious and humongous! I think the kids were impressed, but mainly, by that time, they were getting tired and worn out and HOT! It was a very sticky, humid day, which kind of sapped the kids’ energy. We were smart enough to rent a stroller for the day, so Camille at least had a bit of a rest (and missed the whole croc show.) But sadly, our zoo trip didn’t end so well. It was one of those things where … it was a good thing, until it wasn’t. Sigh. One boy in particular just had had enough. So we left. Without seeing the Tasmanian devils. Will I regret this in years to come?? I hope not, but maybe?

We went back to our beach with the Jensens and played for three hours until the sun was setting and we were all wiped out and hungry. The Jensens left for their place, and we made a pasta dinner and watched Moana on Netflix for the evening. Early bed again, for all except Brian who found he still had to finish up just a few more things for work. (I think he’s done now for real. Maybe?)

Every morning so far, I’ve woken up about 5:30am to use the bathroom. And then, Camille has woken up right then too… for the day! Lol! So, our mornings keep starting early, but slow, as Camille and I wait for everyone else to wake up. Today Spencer joined us by 6, and we watched Tangled on Netflix. Later on, we wandered down near the beach to a pavilion where they were having a celebratory gathering of sorts to welcome the relay baton carriers for the Commonwealth Games. It turned out to be kind of a big deal. The baton has been carried through several countries in the Commonwealth over the past few weeks, and the games will be held next week in Brisbane. So, they had a little ceremony as it passed through our particular town. Brian and I like happening into things like that. Our kids, on the other hand, were quite underwhelmed by it all and just wanted to leave.

I think we were all a bit on the grouchy side today. Lots of bickering and irritating behavior from our kids, followed by a positive “pep rally” from Dad that still didn’t help some of them very much, which then left me and Brian both feeling irritated. We took an extra long time getting out of our place – partly because the roads were closed for that celebration thing, and partly because we didn’t have a lot of cooperation in the kid department. But we eventually got packed up and on our way. We had to stop at a locksmith and get the lock on our rental van fixed; the kids put a stick in it and broke it off in there on Sunday after church, kind of frustrating. Luckily it only took half an hour to fix, and only cost $25. Phew! (We were worried the rental place would probably charge a couple hundred or so to fix it, ya know?)

Then… back into Brisbane for a bit this afternoon. Our big event was to take a water taxi up the river a few stops and back. They have free water taxis, which was perfect for us! We even got seats on the upper deck. The stop where we got off had an amazing, gorgeous garden section, and some lovely fountains that turned into a full-on manmade swimming beach area complete with sand and rocks and little water features running into it. We were all wishing we had more time to enjoy it, but as it was, we let the kids wade for just a few minutes – the REAL kind of wading where they don’t actually get drenched! Ha! Then we found a fun park for just a little bit before we had to get back on our boat and head back to our van, and then to airport. Next stop, Melbourne!! We’re meeting friends in the city tomorrow, feeling excited.

Our Big Australia Trip begins!!

** Pictures (hopefully) coming soon!

Our Great Australian/NZ Family Vacation has begun! And so far, it has been a wonderful start! We left home on a 5:30pm flight from Boise, and traveled to Los Angeles. We had to wait at LAX for a few hours before taking off on our loooong flight to Melbourne, so we got some food and got out some electronics and coloring supplies to pass the times. Brian wrapped up some work stuff (finally! yay!), so now he should be free and clear to rest, relax and enjoy! The Jensens are traveling with us for part of the time, which has been lots of fun so far. They ended up sitting right in front of us on our looong flight. And we sat in two rows of three… Samantha and Spencer claimed the window seats for the duration, lucky kids. Nat and Brian sat by Spencer, and Millie sat in the middle of Sam and me, and she slept a lot… which means I did not. FIFTEEN and a half hours to Melbourne!! That’s a long, long time in the air. There was turbulence pretty rough for a few hours in the middle, which kept me awake a lot. They even had the flight attendants take their seats a few times, which is always nerve-wracking. But Camille slept through it all on my lap, lucky girl! She kept kicking Samantha a lot – trying to stretch out more in her sleep, and Sam would get irritated, of course.

When we finally arrived in Melbourne, we had to hurry through customs and recheck our bags to get on our final flight to Brisbane. (And yes, we could have flown straight to Brisbane, but the very-amazingly-good-deal tickets that allowed this adventure to happen in the first place had a layover in Melbourne, then on to Brisbane, so there we were.) Spencer and Natalie were kind of BEYOND reason during that last layover. Natalie kept sitting down on the floor in a dramatic, sobbing heap every two seconds, and Spence did NOT want one more flight (apparently we forgot to tell him about that last leg of the trip, oops!). He just kept saying he wanted to go outside and breathe some fresh air. He actually DID run out outside the airport door at one point, which was frustrating, but we got him back and boarded the plane. My most comfortable seat was on that last leg of our journey. But the guy behind me kept kicking/kneeing the back of my seat, rude! (even pushed my seat back up when I reclined! And didn't speak English so I couldn't even ask him what his problem was) So… no sleeping. Sigh. 

Oh, but there was lots of good food on that big ol’ flight! I had a curry masala plate for dinner (the soft rice felt good for my somewhat-still-queasy stomach), and Samantha had a creamy spinach/chicken pasta dish for dinner. (Camille wasn't ever hungry and just slept, or watched the same episode of Princess Elena 20 times.) Then they brought little turkey sandwich rolls around sometime in the night (after the turbulence died down). In the morning before we landed, they served omelets and hashbrowns or blueberry pancakes, either option with fruit, yogurt and a muffin. It was all really tasty! And I watched TONS of movies while I was NOT sleeping. (I highly recommend Goodbye Christopher Robbin, btw, which left me in tears, and may even deserve its own post on my blog, someday... It's slow, but sooo touching.)

FINALLY! WE arrived! Sooo exciting! Our luggage was waiting for us on the carousel by the time we got to it, so we went straight to our rental car place. While Brian rented the car (a really big roomy 8-person van) and checked it for scratches, etc, the kids all got into their luggage and changed into some more comfortable, summery clothes. (Some in the rental car bathroom, and one 4yo just stripped down on the sidewalk in front of the rental place before I could stop her! Lol!)

We split up from the Jensens, thinking we’d both probably just get checked in and get some sleep first thing. But once we were all settle in our car, we decided to drive downtown into Brisbane for a bit and check it out. First stop, McDonalds, because all our kids were FAMISHED! Guess what? The first real person we talked to here in Australia was the cashier at McD’s. Guess where she's from?! IDAHO! No joke! She asked us if we were from the States. We told her yes. She said she was, too, but her mom is Australian so she has lived in Australia for the past six years. Then she said, she is actually from Idaho! She grew up In Eagle! So crazy, huh? Kids liked the familiarity of a hamburger or chicken nuggets. And they had awesome “family” fries that everyone devoured, as well as $1 pineapple smoothies which were delish.

Right near the river, there’s a nice walking path that winds along some cliffs for a ways. We walked along there for awhile, and found a couple of lizards and pretty birds. We even took some stairs down the cliffs to the water, just exploring. (But then we had to walk back UP the stairs, which was hot and taxing, in this humidity!) Then we stopped at the LDS temple, which is right downtown, right there along the river path. It was gorgeous! We had to tell Camille to stop picking all the flowers in their flowerbeds, though. Lol!

After that, we drove to the other side of the river and walked along in the botanical gardens that are also right downtown and free. Spence got really close to a great big lizard that was just camped out on the sidewalk. I think he would have tried to pet it if I hadn't made him stay back, crazy kid! There was a really fun playground there so we let the kids play for a bit. We were all getting pretty tired by that time, so we drove out to our place where we’re staying, which is up the coast about an hour at King’s Beach. Our little condo unit is one block from a really nice beach with a splash pad and free community pool! 

We got there and got checked in around 4:30pm, got settled and changed to our suits, then walked down to our beach. It was gorgeous and amazing, with super soft, packable sand, and the water was so nice and warm! We stayed and played until the sun was gone and we were all wiped out. It was perfect... One of those precious family moments that makes my heart just well up and my eyes almost fill with tears. (Or maybe some of that was jet lag?;) Then back to our place for baths and food and an early bed. Actually, Brian went to grab some groceries for dinner (and a picnic tomorrow after church), and while he was gone, the kids snacked on crackers and cold cereal. Spence and Nat couldn’t even wait for him to come back, and went to sleep at 7:30 with only that as their dinner. The rest of us had some goodies and stuff before an early bed. Lights out by 9pm for all. Nice, lovely first day of our trip.

And so, now here I sit at 3am with my lovely jet lag. J It’s kind of hot and humid here. There’s an AC unit, but it mainly just cools the front room, and fans are in each bedroom. But I’m just wide awake anyway. I’ll see if I can upload some pictures with this, hopefully soon!

Spencer, my boy

Dear Spencer,
There is a place in my heart that is yours, and yours alone. You are my boy -- the one I dreamed of before I ever knew I would have children. Your blue eyes are gifts from your Grandpa Hone, who you resemble in all of your baby pictures. You are the one that looks like the Hone side of the family-- the connection to my childhood. When someone says you look like Blaine used to look when he was little, I agree and smile and feel a little extra connection with you for that.

When you laugh and smile, something in my insides melts with a warmth that's hard to describe. I get you. I get your jokes and your quirks and your need for space sometimes. Your humor matches mine; from the time you were tiny, you've understood my teasing and enjoyed laughing with me. Your jokes make me laugh, too. These things are a light in my life, a light that I love and need.

I respect you. There's so much going on in your mind, always. You are bright, intelligent, smart beyond your years. You have an excellent, amazing memory and an ability to choose your words carefully, so that you mean what you say. You have a sense of reason, a sense of calm observance of the world around you. I want to understand things the way you do. You see sides to life, sides to people that are often hidden. You are slow to trust, but fiercely loyal, like me. And probably like your dad, too, actually.

When I see you feeling sad, I cry inside with you. I pray for you, and plead with Heavenly Father to send you an extra source of comfort and strength. I feel a sense of your pain, even when I don't fully understand it all. When I see you learning, or building, or creating... your mind is so active, so engaged, so alive! It's thrilling to be on the sidelines, watching you grow and progress in the way I know Heavenly Father has designed for you. He loves you so much and has great plans for you. You are my boy, and His boy, too.

I love my memories of when you were a baby and a little toddler. You had the sweetest smile and bluest eyes, even then. I loved cuddling you close in my bed in the early morning hours, watching you learn to roll and crawl and walk -- use that amazing body of yours! You were cautious and observant, even then. But you were also determined and so happy.  You loved water, and trains, and dogs -- until you learned that they poop a lot. haha!

You loved your Daddy soooo much when you were little. You loved spending time with him, and ached for him when he was too busy. I've loved watching that bond with your Dad grow through the years. I see how he supports you and believes in you and wants such good things for you. And I'm so grateful you have his influence and his protection and guidance for your path ahead. I hope and pray you will always feel close to him and know that you can trust and confide in him. You're both my boys, you know? -- in different ways.

Spencer, I hope you know, as much as I love looking back at the little boy you were, I am even more excited and eager to see the wonderful young man you will become. You have so much to offer, so much to give and to learn. I've said it before and I hope you know it's true -- I LOVE watching my kids grow UP! As much as I cherished my babies, I'm even more thrilled so see you growing, progressing, learning what pleases you. I love our talks, I love hearing what's on your mind and answering your questions about whatever you want to talk about. Our nighttime visits together mean so much to me. I feel like I'm getting to know the real you when I spend time just talking with you.

Thank you for being the big brother your sisters need. I love to watch you being kind and sweet with Camille, and playing and teaching Natalie new things. They look up to you so much and will think of you as their protector and good example, if you let them. Samantha loves you, too. She thinks you are handsome and brave and funny. I hope you will always notice how she tries to help you and encourage you when she can. She has your same sense of intelligence and perception. And she's trying hard to be a good sister to you. I think it's so wonderful to know that we are in this family together for a special purpose. -- Heavenly Father placed us together to learn and grow and help one another with the most important things we're supposed to learn in this life. We're a team!

Spencer, I know you have hard days and times when you feel down and lonely. But I want you to remember and trust that you are never alone. No matter how you might feel, you have me and Dad, and grandparents, and cousins, and your sisters, and aunts and uncles... so many people who are here for you, who care about you, LOVE you, see so much that is AMAZING and wonderful in you, and want to help you be successful in all that you do!! You are so bright and capable and have so much growing and learning to do! I can't wait to see what you choose to do with your great intelligence and sense of adventure and spirit! I hope you can always see what a gift and treasure this life is -- and what a gift and treasure you are to ME. I feel so blessed to be your mother. Thank you for blessing my life by being my very special, one and only boy!

Love,
Mom

Kids update, just for fun

Camille bumped her foot this evening before bed and was crying and telling me about how much it hurt. She showed me the very specific little red mark on the side of her foot, where she had bumped it against the bedrail or something. I studied it, kissed it better, and then, as I held that little four-year-old foot in my hand, I realized once again, it's not a tiny little baby foot anymore. It kind of stinks, even. Shock! It's still cute and small, but not so very small as it seems like it was just last week... or month? or year, I guess?

They are growing up fast, all of them. Samantha is into Young Women's now, and is loving volleyball and personal progress goals. She always has a book in her hand and a plan in her mind for what she wants to be doing next. She is lovely. Truly.

Spencer is growing right through size 12 clothes right now, and is putting stains and holes in all of them. He plays hard and intense! We bought him three new pairs of jeans for Christmas, and already two of them have holes in the knees! He's picked up his interest in basketball again, and also likes wall ball and biking and just being outside. Homework with that boy is such. a. drag... for him AND me! We're still looking for that magic bullet to motivate him longer than ten minutes. sigh. He loves audio books right now and is finishing up the Fablehaven series. He gets a little obsessive about it, and a new series doesn't seem to last long enough. But we do occasionally use listening time as effective bribery for homework.

Natalie needs more cuddles and squeezes and talks on the couch with Mom, I can just feel it. Her enthusiasm, and her bright, smiling personality don't really allow her to be buried in the middle. But at the same time, I feel like I don't ever get a lot of one-on-one time with her. And I think she feels it, too. She is so impressionable, so curious about the world around her, about what other people do and think and feel. I have so much I want to teach her and tell her, if she will listen. She's doing really well in school and is excited to collect her Krispy Kreme donuts for her report card grades! yay!!

All three of the older kids were in a Missoula Children's Theater play this past week, "Beauty Lou and the Country Beast. If I can figure out how, I'll add some adorable pictures of them. Samantha was one of Beauty's older sisters, and had to pretend to be very snooty and fight with one of the other sisters constantly. She loved it. She got to sing and dance a lot and had several great lines. Spencer was one of the country folk, and helped with props, too. He sang several group songs and did a few group dances and had a couple of lines. He was really enthusiastic about being part of it, which was so fun to see! And Natalie was a "barnyard critter" and wore a little pig costume. She got to sing a little solo part at the end of her group's turn and did a great job. As she exited the stage, the main character called after her, "Get out of here, ya little Bacon Bit!" So now, she has kind of earned the nickname BaconBit, but she gets pretty indignant if we actually use it too much. So funny. ;)

I really like Missoula Children's Theater -- they have auditions on a Monday, the kids rehearse hard all week, for 2-4 hours after school. Then they perform twice on Friday, once on Saturday, and have a little cast party afterward with cookies and punch. The kids love it, and feel like they've been a part of something special and exciting. The plays are light and silly and sometimes don't make a whole lot of sense. But they're cute and musical and fun. It's a pretty intense week, but it goes by fast and then it's over... until next year.

And finally, little miss Camille is our big FOUR-year-old girl now! She had a birthday last Tuesday and was thrilled to celebrate with a fun party for all her preschool friends and cousin Elisabeth as well. She's so much fun around her and says the cutest things to me and Brian all day long. My favorite Camille-ism is the word "Amn't" -- as in, "am not." If you ask her if she's tired, she'll say, "no, I amn't!" It makes perfect sense, huh? We like to find ways of making her say it regularly. Today, she threw a little tantrum because I didn't show her one more princess YouTube video. It started with tears about wanting to watch TV, and then she ended by telling me, "the ONLY thing that could really ever cheer me up again is if you take me to JumpTime, RIGHT NOW!!!" ?!!? Like that was ever even an option?! Brian and I were both laughing, and then I cuddled her back to her happy self. Four is going to be fun, I'm sure!

That's all for tonight. In other less exciting news, I've folded lots of laundry today. And every day. of. my. mothering. life. (I'm sure you wanted to know, right?) That's the true story, though. Good night!

Getting Serious, About my health...

So, I'm behind. I know.
I'm not catching up here, even though I'd really enjoy recapturing all the fun times from the holidays and such. We've been having the usual ups and downs, and for the most part, life is good.

This post is about my current state of health. Which is not great. It's not terrible, I guess. I mean, I'm not announcing any debilitating illness here or anything. But the truth is, I'm just so lethargic and worn down all the time. I hate to admit it, but I wake up in the morning trying to calculate when I can take a nap. By evening, I'm shoving kids into bed as fast as I can because I just need to rest. Then I don't sleep soon enough, and toss and turn a lot. All this is unfortunate and frustrating. I'd like to see things change.

And then, there's the extra weight from the holidays. Sadly, I'm up a full 12-14 lbs from where I was last January. That's just depressing. It's never happened to me before, other than those four darling babies that I grew, which seemed like legitimate reasons for the weight gain. But this, well... this is just me not making good food choices. Repeatedly. Sigh.

So, here's the big wake-up call... Tonight, my kids were playing the Wii, and they made a little avatar person for me, so kind. Then, they begged me to join them on the Wii fit, doing some yoga. So, they set up an extensive profile for me, and then had me step on the little platform so the Wii could take my measurements, my BMI, weight, etc. After receiving all of my info, the Wii then pronounced me 26.6 pounds OVERWEIGHT for what my BMI index should be at my height. Cry, cry, cry!

Even WORSE, based on my muscle mass, balance, etc., it said that my current "Wii age" (whatever that's supposed to mean?!) is 58 years old!!! 😭😭😭😭Yes, it announced this in front of MY CHILDREN! and my husband, who was laughing heartily (and only somewhat kindly.)

Yeah, I know. Something's GOT to change! The trouble is, I actually kind of FEEL 58 years old. So, I'm not sure why I'm so upset by this. Sigh. But... no more cakes for me. Ever. Or chocolate chips. Or cheese. Hmm...I write this, after just getting all the ingredients to make a lovely cherry chip cake for Camille's birthday dinner party tomorrow... I also bought riced cauliflower, brussel sprouts, zucchini, and a broccoli stir-fry mix. I'll just have to dish me up a hearty serving of veggies as everyone else eats cake, huh? I'm afraid there's no other way.

Until I'm not feeling like I'm 58 anymore, I'm calling a war against that silly Wii and its unfair "Wii age" predictions!! Aside -- I went ahead and did the yoga challenge with the girls. I came in second, and guess who holds the record on that Wii game? Wade. Ha! I had forgotten that we inherited his Wii. And apparently he wasn't feeling 58 last time he played. But who even knew he was a yoga guy? I thought that kind of funny and interesting.

Wade used to use his blog to write about his health goals. I liked that. I'm not sure I want to turn this into a full-on healthomania blog or anything. But I plan to be very serious about this! And I hope to check in here, a good place to report!

Note For Samantha

My dear Samantha Girl,

I've been wanting to write you a little note for several weeks now. I figure my blog is as good a place as any to express some of my thoughts to you. I've actually been reading lots of old blog posts and journal entries about you lately, my first baby girl. Oh how I love you, dear girl! All my recent reading has made me extra grateful for you, and all the wonderful memories I have with you. I've especially been thinking about when you were my ONLY babykid, back when it was just the two of us, in London. Well, it was the three of us, of course -- Daddy was there. But he was often NOT there, as you know, which meant it was just you and me for lots of long days and nights alone together. 

You were my best little buddy, such enjoyable company for me! I wish you could remember what it was like--what YOU were like. Truly, if I had one wish for you, I think it might be for you to see yourself as that darling little girl who captured everyone's heart. You were fearless and spunky, and also so friendly and engaging with others -- and absolutely adorable, with your ginger hair and "golden wipers." You had so much confidence and curiosity and zest for life. Your enthusiasm, energy, and outgoing personality were inspiring to watch! I think you'd find it absolutely fascinating to watch yourself at that age and stage... I wish you could see in yourself NOW those same things that were so much a part of you then. I see them in you now, too, but I sometimes think you're hesitant to let those parts shine. Don't hesitate, my Samantha. Be your whole self! 

My friend, Ana, liked to babysit you sometimes. She spoke English as a third language and sometimes got things a little mixed up. She's the one who called you "cleverly." We thought it was so cute, and so true-- you have always been extremely bright and clever. I know you think it's overstated sometimes. But it's remarkable to me (and so many others) how very smart you are, and have always been. I'm not just talking about schoolwork and tests, etc. I'm talking about a deep wisdom and understanding that you seem like you've always had. You've always asked good questions, and figured things out with "context clues." You have had common sense and self control and the ability to reason with others, from such a young age. When you started GT last year, I loved that the word you picked to describe yourself was, "learn." So fitting for you!

When you were just a few months old, I had lunch with my boss, Caroline, from the college where I worked while I was expecting you. Caroline held you and looked into your eyes for a long moment, and you looked right back at her. Then, after studying you, she told me, "Your Samantha seems as though she has an old soul." I've always loved that thought, and have felt it was true about you. Even as a youngster, you seemed wise beyond your years. You could understand people's feelings and emotions that were far more complex than it seemed like a tiny child should be able to comprehend and relate to. I think that is one of your gifts, one you were blessed with before you came to this earth. I also think, because of this depth you have, you also have a gift for compassion. I've seen you empathize with others and understand their perspective, without having to have things explained to you. What a talent and blessing -- something that benefits you, and so many of us around you.

I've watched you, with anticipation, as you have continued to grow in your faith and love of goodness and righteousness. Those moments where I have seen you recognize and feel the Spirit in your life are priceless memories for me as your mother. I love knowing that you feel that same love of/from Heavenly Father that has blessed my life through the years. I love that you're trusting the connection you feel and feeding your faith. When I look at you, I see a beautiful daughter of God, who knows who she is and whose she is. Remember, the things we feed will grow. That is very true with your faith, and I certainly can see yours growing, especially as you've started your own study habits for reading the scriptures and working on your Faith in God program. These things may seem small and tedious, but the small things are really the every-day nourishment we need for our spiritual growth. When you feel your spirit is hungry, I hope you remember the best way to feed it is with a daily commitment.

Oh Samantha, these 12 years have gone so quickly for me. I look at you now, on the brink of young womanhood. You are so very beautiful!!--inside and out! I hope you see that when you look at yourself. Your golden hair and ruby-red lips, your bright eyes and expressive smile -- all good things that match your kind and thoughtful ways, your even temperament and your spiritual depth. I'm so excited for these next years ahead. You have some amazing opportunities waiting for you, in school and church and just being part of our family and community. I know our family life seems busy and things are often spiraling in different directions. But that craziness should not be a deterrent for you as you reach for the stars! I mean it! You have the mind and capacity to do GREAT things with your life ahead. I can feel so much love and goodness from you, and know you have such potential. Chart your course, and let us help you reach your goals. That's part of our role as your parents and family. That's part of my desire as your mother -- to help you figure out what you want to do with your gifts and talents, and help you grow in your faith and your capacity to serve in whatever way best suits you. I hope that makes sense... I might be getting too complex here. But what I'm saying, is that I want to HELP you be your best self. I want to listen and hear your plans and dreams. And I want you to know that I trust you, and that you can trust me. And even more important, that you can trust Heavenly Father to be there for you. 

I love you, my dear Samantha Susan. From the first moment I held you in my arms, I felt such a bond with you -- like I was reconnected with one of my best friends after we had been separated from each other for awhile. That's what it felt like, holding you that first night. (Before you decided to keep me up all night, several nights in a row, little rascal!;) I keep that memory in my heart, and think of it often as I'm watching you across a room, or when you give me one of your fierce hugs, or as you sleep sometimes at night. I love that closeness I feel with you, my daughter, my friend. You are in my heart and prayers always, and I know Heavenly Father has great plans for you!!

Love,

Mom

Happy November!

So much to write...
So little time.
How was my trip to England? Wonderful, beautiful, filled with so many sweet memories of the first years of marriage with Brian. I felt surrounded by all the thoughts and feelings of newlywed bliss... and missed Brian immensely! It was really nice to be able to talk to him and text with him throughout the time I was there. I had big plans of writing a little blog entry every night. But well... I was exhausted!! We rented a car for the first few days we were there, and I was our driver. I didn't anticipate how stressful that would be for me. It was fun, but it wore me out! I could barely make it to 10pm (3pm Idaho time) to say hello/goodnight to the kids as the came home from school.

So now, instead, I have big plans of back-blogging, of course -- just as soon as I get my pics off my phone and upload them onto here. I took a TON, and would love to record all the fun little details of my trip. I've been reading back through past blog entries lately, and really enjoying the reminiscing time. Isn't it fun to be taken back to moments that meant something to you, but you haven't thought of them in such a long time? I love how writing does that for me. Amazing and wonderful!

What else is there to tell for right now? Well, we have been having a great November so far... lots going on already, and lots more to look forward to! One most exciting thing, there is a new temple for our church that is being dedicated this coming Sunday, right here in Meridian. It's only 15 minutes from us, and it is gorgeous! They've been doing the open house these past few weeks, so we got to take the kids inside. It was wonderful. All four of them seemed to really appreciate that special experience. As we stood in the celestial room and looked at that glorious chandelier, Camille grabbed my hand and whispered, "Mom, do you think we could live in here?" It was so sweet and precious to me. I was kind of feeling the same way, just basking in the peaceful beauty of the place. Of course, she was actually pretty serious, and kept asking a few more times.

My parents also came to see the temple, and I got to go tour it again with them this past week. It was such a nice, relaxing visit with them. They stayed with us one night, then got a hotel so we could bring the kids over and go swimming the next night. Then, Camille and I met them for breakfast the next morning before heading to the temple. We had a slow and easy pace, then ate at Kneaders for lunch afterward, before they started home. I love that they took time to come be with us and visit like that.

Their visit came during a hard day -- Nov. 6, Wade's passing anniversary. We didn't talk a lot about it, all together. But it was weighing heavy on our minds for sure. My mom and I read some of my memories that I wrote on here during the first month after he died. It's hard to believe it's been four years now. Oh, how I miss him! I dreamed the other night that he sent me a text message to tell me he was running late and would meet us at Aunt Darla's. Oh, it was short, and I wanted to hear his voice instead of just seeing a little text from him. But it was still comforting to wake up and feel like he had communicated with me in my dream. Those dreams come less often now, it seems. At first I had several dreams where he was very near. And I still do, from time to time. But I long for more. Usually, though, when I get a dream like that, I pray and pray that my dad will get to have some dreams of Wade. I would love for my dad to have that kind of comfort I feel when I have a dream like that. He needs it. Especially the ones where I hear his voice, clear as day. That is always a beautiful, wonderful gift. I wish my dad could have that.

I like that our family celebrates Wade's birthday the way we do. This other day is harder to swallow. The ache comes the middle of October, as memories start to resurface. And it continues through the day he died, and then the day we all found out he had died, and on through the viewing and funeral time. Those anniversaries have all passed now, and I've cried my tears and felt the grief shift again, as it often does. And so, on rolls November.

We are having Thanksgiving this year with the Bishop side of the family. And, we're having it here, in our home! With many of Brian's extended family -- aunts, uncles and cousins, as well as siblings and nieces and nephews. So much fun! It's going to be quite the group, but I'm pretty excited about it. I hope it all goes well and that everyone stays well and healthy! We're expecting upwards of 50 people! Whew! I'll have to report when it's over, right?!

For now, I'm feeling my eyes get heavy, and the hour is getting later. I'll sign off for tonight, and see if I can upload some pics, for next time. Bye!