Spencer, my boy

Dear Spencer,
There is a place in my heart that is yours, and yours alone. You are my boy -- the one I dreamed of before I ever knew I would have children. Your blue eyes are gifts from your Grandpa Hone, who you resemble in all of your baby pictures. You are the one that looks like the Hone side of the family-- the connection to my childhood. When someone says you look like Blaine used to look when he was little, I agree and smile and feel a little extra connection with you for that.

When you laugh and smile, something in my insides melts with a warmth that's hard to describe. I get you. I get your jokes and your quirks and your need for space sometimes. Your humor matches mine; from the time you were tiny, you've understood my teasing and enjoyed laughing with me. Your jokes make me laugh, too. These things are a light in my life, a light that I love and need.

I respect you. There's so much going on in your mind, always. You are bright, intelligent, smart beyond your years. You have an excellent, amazing memory and an ability to choose your words carefully, so that you mean what you say. You have a sense of reason, a sense of calm observance of the world around you. I want to understand things the way you do. You see sides to life, sides to people that are often hidden. You are slow to trust, but fiercely loyal, like me. And probably like your dad, too, actually.

When I see you feeling sad, I cry inside with you. I pray for you, and plead with Heavenly Father to send you an extra source of comfort and strength. I feel a sense of your pain, even when I don't fully understand it all. When I see you learning, or building, or creating... your mind is so active, so engaged, so alive! It's thrilling to be on the sidelines, watching you grow and progress in the way I know Heavenly Father has designed for you. He loves you so much and has great plans for you. You are my boy, and His boy, too.

I love my memories of when you were a baby and a little toddler. You had the sweetest smile and bluest eyes, even then. I loved cuddling you close in my bed in the early morning hours, watching you learn to roll and crawl and walk -- use that amazing body of yours! You were cautious and observant, even then. But you were also determined and so happy.  You loved water, and trains, and dogs -- until you learned that they poop a lot. haha!

You loved your Daddy soooo much when you were little. You loved spending time with him, and ached for him when he was too busy. I've loved watching that bond with your Dad grow through the years. I see how he supports you and believes in you and wants such good things for you. And I'm so grateful you have his influence and his protection and guidance for your path ahead. I hope and pray you will always feel close to him and know that you can trust and confide in him. You're both my boys, you know? -- in different ways.

Spencer, I hope you know, as much as I love looking back at the little boy you were, I am even more excited and eager to see the wonderful young man you will become. You have so much to offer, so much to give and to learn. I've said it before and I hope you know it's true -- I LOVE watching my kids grow UP! As much as I cherished my babies, I'm even more thrilled so see you growing, progressing, learning what pleases you. I love our talks, I love hearing what's on your mind and answering your questions about whatever you want to talk about. Our nighttime visits together mean so much to me. I feel like I'm getting to know the real you when I spend time just talking with you.

Thank you for being the big brother your sisters need. I love to watch you being kind and sweet with Camille, and playing and teaching Natalie new things. They look up to you so much and will think of you as their protector and good example, if you let them. Samantha loves you, too. She thinks you are handsome and brave and funny. I hope you will always notice how she tries to help you and encourage you when she can. She has your same sense of intelligence and perception. And she's trying hard to be a good sister to you. I think it's so wonderful to know that we are in this family together for a special purpose. -- Heavenly Father placed us together to learn and grow and help one another with the most important things we're supposed to learn in this life. We're a team!

Spencer, I know you have hard days and times when you feel down and lonely. But I want you to remember and trust that you are never alone. No matter how you might feel, you have me and Dad, and grandparents, and cousins, and your sisters, and aunts and uncles... so many people who are here for you, who care about you, LOVE you, see so much that is AMAZING and wonderful in you, and want to help you be successful in all that you do!! You are so bright and capable and have so much growing and learning to do! I can't wait to see what you choose to do with your great intelligence and sense of adventure and spirit! I hope you can always see what a gift and treasure this life is -- and what a gift and treasure you are to ME. I feel so blessed to be your mother. Thank you for blessing my life by being my very special, one and only boy!

Love,
Mom

Kids update, just for fun

Camille bumped her foot this evening before bed and was crying and telling me about how much it hurt. She showed me the very specific little red mark on the side of her foot, where she had bumped it against the bedrail or something. I studied it, kissed it better, and then, as I held that little four-year-old foot in my hand, I realized once again, it's not a tiny little baby foot anymore. It kind of stinks, even. Shock! It's still cute and small, but not so very small as it seems like it was just last week... or month? or year, I guess?

They are growing up fast, all of them. Samantha is into Young Women's now, and is loving volleyball and personal progress goals. She always has a book in her hand and a plan in her mind for what she wants to be doing next. She is lovely. Truly.

Spencer is growing right through size 12 clothes right now, and is putting stains and holes in all of them. He plays hard and intense! We bought him three new pairs of jeans for Christmas, and already two of them have holes in the knees! He's picked up his interest in basketball again, and also likes wall ball and biking and just being outside. Homework with that boy is such. a. drag... for him AND me! We're still looking for that magic bullet to motivate him longer than ten minutes. sigh. He loves audio books right now and is finishing up the Fablehaven series. He gets a little obsessive about it, and a new series doesn't seem to last long enough. But we do occasionally use listening time as effective bribery for homework.

Natalie needs more cuddles and squeezes and talks on the couch with Mom, I can just feel it. Her enthusiasm, and her bright, smiling personality don't really allow her to be buried in the middle. But at the same time, I feel like I don't ever get a lot of one-on-one time with her. And I think she feels it, too. She is so impressionable, so curious about the world around her, about what other people do and think and feel. I have so much I want to teach her and tell her, if she will listen. She's doing really well in school and is excited to collect her Krispy Kreme donuts for her report card grades! yay!!

All three of the older kids were in a Missoula Children's Theater play this past week, "Beauty Lou and the Country Beast. If I can figure out how, I'll add some adorable pictures of them. Samantha was one of Beauty's older sisters, and had to pretend to be very snooty and fight with one of the other sisters constantly. She loved it. She got to sing and dance a lot and had several great lines. Spencer was one of the country folk, and helped with props, too. He sang several group songs and did a few group dances and had a couple of lines. He was really enthusiastic about being part of it, which was so fun to see! And Natalie was a "barnyard critter" and wore a little pig costume. She got to sing a little solo part at the end of her group's turn and did a great job. As she exited the stage, the main character called after her, "Get out of here, ya little Bacon Bit!" So now, she has kind of earned the nickname BaconBit, but she gets pretty indignant if we actually use it too much. So funny. ;)

I really like Missoula Children's Theater -- they have auditions on a Monday, the kids rehearse hard all week, for 2-4 hours after school. Then they perform twice on Friday, once on Saturday, and have a little cast party afterward with cookies and punch. The kids love it, and feel like they've been a part of something special and exciting. The plays are light and silly and sometimes don't make a whole lot of sense. But they're cute and musical and fun. It's a pretty intense week, but it goes by fast and then it's over... until next year.

And finally, little miss Camille is our big FOUR-year-old girl now! She had a birthday last Tuesday and was thrilled to celebrate with a fun party for all her preschool friends and cousin Elisabeth as well. She's so much fun around her and says the cutest things to me and Brian all day long. My favorite Camille-ism is the word "Amn't" -- as in, "am not." If you ask her if she's tired, she'll say, "no, I amn't!" It makes perfect sense, huh? We like to find ways of making her say it regularly. Today, she threw a little tantrum because I didn't show her one more princess YouTube video. It started with tears about wanting to watch TV, and then she ended by telling me, "the ONLY thing that could really ever cheer me up again is if you take me to JumpTime, RIGHT NOW!!!" ?!!? Like that was ever even an option?! Brian and I were both laughing, and then I cuddled her back to her happy self. Four is going to be fun, I'm sure!

That's all for tonight. In other less exciting news, I've folded lots of laundry today. And every day. of. my. mothering. life. (I'm sure you wanted to know, right?) That's the true story, though. Good night!

Getting Serious, About my health...

So, I'm behind. I know.
I'm not catching up here, even though I'd really enjoy recapturing all the fun times from the holidays and such. We've been having the usual ups and downs, and for the most part, life is good.

This post is about my current state of health. Which is not great. It's not terrible, I guess. I mean, I'm not announcing any debilitating illness here or anything. But the truth is, I'm just so lethargic and worn down all the time. I hate to admit it, but I wake up in the morning trying to calculate when I can take a nap. By evening, I'm shoving kids into bed as fast as I can because I just need to rest. Then I don't sleep soon enough, and toss and turn a lot. All this is unfortunate and frustrating. I'd like to see things change.

And then, there's the extra weight from the holidays. Sadly, I'm up a full 12-14 lbs from where I was last January. That's just depressing. It's never happened to me before, other than those four darling babies that I grew, which seemed like legitimate reasons for the weight gain. But this, well... this is just me not making good food choices. Repeatedly. Sigh.

So, here's the big wake-up call... Tonight, my kids were playing the Wii, and they made a little avatar person for me, so kind. Then, they begged me to join them on the Wii fit, doing some yoga. So, they set up an extensive profile for me, and then had me step on the little platform so the Wii could take my measurements, my BMI, weight, etc. After receiving all of my info, the Wii then pronounced me 26.6 pounds OVERWEIGHT for what my BMI index should be at my height. Cry, cry, cry!

Even WORSE, based on my muscle mass, balance, etc., it said that my current "Wii age" (whatever that's supposed to mean?!) is 58 years old!!! 😭😭😭😭Yes, it announced this in front of MY CHILDREN! and my husband, who was laughing heartily (and only somewhat kindly.)

Yeah, I know. Something's GOT to change! The trouble is, I actually kind of FEEL 58 years old. So, I'm not sure why I'm so upset by this. Sigh. But... no more cakes for me. Ever. Or chocolate chips. Or cheese. Hmm...I write this, after just getting all the ingredients to make a lovely cherry chip cake for Camille's birthday dinner party tomorrow... I also bought riced cauliflower, brussel sprouts, zucchini, and a broccoli stir-fry mix. I'll just have to dish me up a hearty serving of veggies as everyone else eats cake, huh? I'm afraid there's no other way.

Until I'm not feeling like I'm 58 anymore, I'm calling a war against that silly Wii and its unfair "Wii age" predictions!! Aside -- I went ahead and did the yoga challenge with the girls. I came in second, and guess who holds the record on that Wii game? Wade. Ha! I had forgotten that we inherited his Wii. And apparently he wasn't feeling 58 last time he played. But who even knew he was a yoga guy? I thought that kind of funny and interesting.

Wade used to use his blog to write about his health goals. I liked that. I'm not sure I want to turn this into a full-on healthomania blog or anything. But I plan to be very serious about this! And I hope to check in here, a good place to report!

Note For Samantha

My dear Samantha Girl,

I've been wanting to write you a little note for several weeks now. I figure my blog is as good a place as any to express some of my thoughts to you. I've actually been reading lots of old blog posts and journal entries about you lately, my first baby girl. Oh how I love you, dear girl! All my recent reading has made me extra grateful for you, and all the wonderful memories I have with you. I've especially been thinking about when you were my ONLY babykid, back when it was just the two of us, in London. Well, it was the three of us, of course -- Daddy was there. But he was often NOT there, as you know, which meant it was just you and me for lots of long days and nights alone together. 

You were my best little buddy, such enjoyable company for me! I wish you could remember what it was like--what YOU were like. Truly, if I had one wish for you, I think it might be for you to see yourself as that darling little girl who captured everyone's heart. You were fearless and spunky, and also so friendly and engaging with others -- and absolutely adorable, with your ginger hair and "golden wipers." You had so much confidence and curiosity and zest for life. Your enthusiasm, energy, and outgoing personality were inspiring to watch! I think you'd find it absolutely fascinating to watch yourself at that age and stage... I wish you could see in yourself NOW those same things that were so much a part of you then. I see them in you now, too, but I sometimes think you're hesitant to let those parts shine. Don't hesitate, my Samantha. Be your whole self! 

My friend, Ana, liked to babysit you sometimes. She spoke English as a third language and sometimes got things a little mixed up. She's the one who called you "cleverly." We thought it was so cute, and so true-- you have always been extremely bright and clever. I know you think it's overstated sometimes. But it's remarkable to me (and so many others) how very smart you are, and have always been. I'm not just talking about schoolwork and tests, etc. I'm talking about a deep wisdom and understanding that you seem like you've always had. You've always asked good questions, and figured things out with "context clues." You have had common sense and self control and the ability to reason with others, from such a young age. When you started GT last year, I loved that the word you picked to describe yourself was, "learn." So fitting for you!

When you were just a few months old, I had lunch with my boss, Caroline, from the college where I worked while I was expecting you. Caroline held you and looked into your eyes for a long moment, and you looked right back at her. Then, after studying you, she told me, "Your Samantha seems as though she has an old soul." I've always loved that thought, and have felt it was true about you. Even as a youngster, you seemed wise beyond your years. You could understand people's feelings and emotions that were far more complex than it seemed like a tiny child should be able to comprehend and relate to. I think that is one of your gifts, one you were blessed with before you came to this earth. I also think, because of this depth you have, you also have a gift for compassion. I've seen you empathize with others and understand their perspective, without having to have things explained to you. What a talent and blessing -- something that benefits you, and so many of us around you.

I've watched you, with anticipation, as you have continued to grow in your faith and love of goodness and righteousness. Those moments where I have seen you recognize and feel the Spirit in your life are priceless memories for me as your mother. I love knowing that you feel that same love of/from Heavenly Father that has blessed my life through the years. I love that you're trusting the connection you feel and feeding your faith. When I look at you, I see a beautiful daughter of God, who knows who she is and whose she is. Remember, the things we feed will grow. That is very true with your faith, and I certainly can see yours growing, especially as you've started your own study habits for reading the scriptures and working on your Faith in God program. These things may seem small and tedious, but the small things are really the every-day nourishment we need for our spiritual growth. When you feel your spirit is hungry, I hope you remember the best way to feed it is with a daily commitment.

Oh Samantha, these 12 years have gone so quickly for me. I look at you now, on the brink of young womanhood. You are so very beautiful!!--inside and out! I hope you see that when you look at yourself. Your golden hair and ruby-red lips, your bright eyes and expressive smile -- all good things that match your kind and thoughtful ways, your even temperament and your spiritual depth. I'm so excited for these next years ahead. You have some amazing opportunities waiting for you, in school and church and just being part of our family and community. I know our family life seems busy and things are often spiraling in different directions. But that craziness should not be a deterrent for you as you reach for the stars! I mean it! You have the mind and capacity to do GREAT things with your life ahead. I can feel so much love and goodness from you, and know you have such potential. Chart your course, and let us help you reach your goals. That's part of our role as your parents and family. That's part of my desire as your mother -- to help you figure out what you want to do with your gifts and talents, and help you grow in your faith and your capacity to serve in whatever way best suits you. I hope that makes sense... I might be getting too complex here. But what I'm saying, is that I want to HELP you be your best self. I want to listen and hear your plans and dreams. And I want you to know that I trust you, and that you can trust me. And even more important, that you can trust Heavenly Father to be there for you. 

I love you, my dear Samantha Susan. From the first moment I held you in my arms, I felt such a bond with you -- like I was reconnected with one of my best friends after we had been separated from each other for awhile. That's what it felt like, holding you that first night. (Before you decided to keep me up all night, several nights in a row, little rascal!;) I keep that memory in my heart, and think of it often as I'm watching you across a room, or when you give me one of your fierce hugs, or as you sleep sometimes at night. I love that closeness I feel with you, my daughter, my friend. You are in my heart and prayers always, and I know Heavenly Father has great plans for you!!

Love,

Mom

Happy November!

So much to write...
So little time.
How was my trip to England? Wonderful, beautiful, filled with so many sweet memories of the first years of marriage with Brian. I felt surrounded by all the thoughts and feelings of newlywed bliss... and missed Brian immensely! It was really nice to be able to talk to him and text with him throughout the time I was there. I had big plans of writing a little blog entry every night. But well... I was exhausted!! We rented a car for the first few days we were there, and I was our driver. I didn't anticipate how stressful that would be for me. It was fun, but it wore me out! I could barely make it to 10pm (3pm Idaho time) to say hello/goodnight to the kids as the came home from school.

So now, instead, I have big plans of back-blogging, of course -- just as soon as I get my pics off my phone and upload them onto here. I took a TON, and would love to record all the fun little details of my trip. I've been reading back through past blog entries lately, and really enjoying the reminiscing time. Isn't it fun to be taken back to moments that meant something to you, but you haven't thought of them in such a long time? I love how writing does that for me. Amazing and wonderful!

What else is there to tell for right now? Well, we have been having a great November so far... lots going on already, and lots more to look forward to! One most exciting thing, there is a new temple for our church that is being dedicated this coming Sunday, right here in Meridian. It's only 15 minutes from us, and it is gorgeous! They've been doing the open house these past few weeks, so we got to take the kids inside. It was wonderful. All four of them seemed to really appreciate that special experience. As we stood in the celestial room and looked at that glorious chandelier, Camille grabbed my hand and whispered, "Mom, do you think we could live in here?" It was so sweet and precious to me. I was kind of feeling the same way, just basking in the peaceful beauty of the place. Of course, she was actually pretty serious, and kept asking a few more times.

My parents also came to see the temple, and I got to go tour it again with them this past week. It was such a nice, relaxing visit with them. They stayed with us one night, then got a hotel so we could bring the kids over and go swimming the next night. Then, Camille and I met them for breakfast the next morning before heading to the temple. We had a slow and easy pace, then ate at Kneaders for lunch afterward, before they started home. I love that they took time to come be with us and visit like that.

Their visit came during a hard day -- Nov. 6, Wade's passing anniversary. We didn't talk a lot about it, all together. But it was weighing heavy on our minds for sure. My mom and I read some of my memories that I wrote on here during the first month after he died. It's hard to believe it's been four years now. Oh, how I miss him! I dreamed the other night that he sent me a text message to tell me he was running late and would meet us at Aunt Darla's. Oh, it was short, and I wanted to hear his voice instead of just seeing a little text from him. But it was still comforting to wake up and feel like he had communicated with me in my dream. Those dreams come less often now, it seems. At first I had several dreams where he was very near. And I still do, from time to time. But I long for more. Usually, though, when I get a dream like that, I pray and pray that my dad will get to have some dreams of Wade. I would love for my dad to have that kind of comfort I feel when I have a dream like that. He needs it. Especially the ones where I hear his voice, clear as day. That is always a beautiful, wonderful gift. I wish my dad could have that.

I like that our family celebrates Wade's birthday the way we do. This other day is harder to swallow. The ache comes the middle of October, as memories start to resurface. And it continues through the day he died, and then the day we all found out he had died, and on through the viewing and funeral time. Those anniversaries have all passed now, and I've cried my tears and felt the grief shift again, as it often does. And so, on rolls November.

We are having Thanksgiving this year with the Bishop side of the family. And, we're having it here, in our home! With many of Brian's extended family -- aunts, uncles and cousins, as well as siblings and nieces and nephews. So much fun! It's going to be quite the group, but I'm pretty excited about it. I hope it all goes well and that everyone stays well and healthy! We're expecting upwards of 50 people! Whew! I'll have to report when it's over, right?!

For now, I'm feeling my eyes get heavy, and the hour is getting later. I'll sign off for tonight, and see if I can upload some pics, for next time. Bye!

Better day-- in writing

So, it worked!
I wrote and wrote and put all my anxious, nervous thoughts onto this blank page last Saturday night. I didn't even really "post" it until later. But I got it all out of my head and onto virtual paper.
Then I slept and prayed and refocused.
And now, I feel better. :) Works like a charm, eh?

I have a facebook group called Three Good Things Today. I don't post every day, but most days I try to write down at least three positive, happy things from my day. THAT works, too. OH, how much I love to write. I am sitting here in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday, knowing there are groceries to buy, a kitchen to mop, a bathroom or two to clean, a few loads of laundry to do before the kids get home and the real busy part of my day begins. But I had to come back for a few more words here. I miss it. I love it. I NEED it! If I had a life coach, she would tell me to write. She would see the healing power it has for my heart and soul. She would just MAKE me DO IT, for my sanity. Maybe I should be my own life coach? Sounds like I already know what I need.

I've been missing it for too long. Somewhere along the long list of priorities for my somewhat busy life of tending and mending and caring for the whole household, I've put writing down near the bottom. It's a mistake. For me, at least. Writing is part of my soul medicine. I feel the light of life, the love of the Lord in my life when I write. It's a good thing. I want to recommit! I want to give my thoughts a voice, if only so they leave my head and let me be at peace! :)

But it's a challenge, and I fear my commitment is a bit shallow. So instead, I'll just say I HOPE to return to what feeds my soul. On a regular basis. It's just something that feels sooo good to me.

And music... I played a medley of hymns in Sacrament meeting service this past Sunday. It was intense! I love the memory of the feelings I felt as I played. So much love, so much peace, so much truth in music.

Anyway, the groceries really DO need me, before kids get home. So I'm off for now. Just had to write a quick something... anything... just, writing. :) :)

Some anxious thoughts, to clear my mind

Oct 7, 2017

Tonight, I want to share just a few of my more personal thoughts, just to let go of some of the feelings surrounding them, I guess. -- There’s something about sending a little message out to the silent internet, the unseen possible audience. It’s somehow comforting to feel like I’m actually writing my thoughts to someone, instead of no one. 

So, here I am tonight. Sharing, because I feel like it...because I need to.

I’m feeling a lot of anxiety right now.

And stress.

And mother guilt. For so many reasons, so many things. I just feel worried and little bit out of control with how to handle it. Lots on my plate, lots on my mind, lots in my heart. Not lots of tears, but some internal combustion happening, I think. 

I love my kids. I love them soooo very much. And I love Brian, too. He is my rock, my safe place in life. But I sometimes worry that I overwhelm him. I come crashing into him, and I am wreckless and scared, sometimes. And he doesn’t know how to respond to me, how to help me, how to hear me. And I feel that I’m being unfair, because I hope and expect that he WILL know what to do for me, especially when I’m feeling lost and uncertain… I want SOMEBODY to have the answers for me, and it’s usually him I trust to sort things out. I’m sorry about this. It’s not very healthy and I worry that it is damaging our relationship somehow. But if/when I retreat, instead of melting into his steadiness, I think that’s hard on us, too. I think he senses my distance, and neither of us seems to know how to fix that, either. I just wish I didn’t feel this way so much. Maybe it’s not so much… But when it’s here, inside me, it feels like too much. Feels like I need to stop somehow, but lack the skills and confidence to be strong and come out of my hard place.

My kids feel it too. I love them and cherish them. Oh how I love them, each of them… with their blossoming personalities, beautiful, soft kid bodies, and amazing little minds and spirits! They enlighten and fill me with joy and strength. But they take a lot, too. And their care makes me tired and worn down. And then I grow frustrated and impatient with their tedious bickering with each other, or their complaints about helping in our daily chores. Or their incessant “redistribution” of things that never stay in the places they belong. Then suddenly it all just makes me feel so angry with them, then angry with me for not being able to teach them better and help them make better choices. 

I worry for their faith. I love how the Lord has guided my life, and the strength and comfort I get through promptings and direction from the Spirit. It is very real to me, and very much a part of who I am. But I fear I’m not helping my children to have enough opportunities to feel and recognize how the Spirit can bless their lives, individually. I want them to know, and feel, and trust that Heavenly Father is their truest friend—that they can rely on him, turn to Him, believe His promises and His gospel. I want them to feel and see happiness in keeping the commandments, as I have. I want them to see and feel and know all this for themselves. But I struggle to know how to help them gain this and keep it and work it into their everyday lives. One of my many concerns with them.

I want to write each of them a letter, telling them the BEST, most WONDERFUL things I know and love about them. But I’m afraid of my critical eye… I can see the good, but then I also see where I have failed them, and where they are weak and flawed, like all of us are. I don’t want to hide those things from them, but I also don’t think they need to hear my worries about them as much as they need to know I  have faith in them, I BELIEVE in their awesome potential, EACH of them. I worry that they each think one of the others must be my favorite, or that I am disappointed in them. Not true; I love them ALL, EACH with all my heart!! And I love to see them growing and striving and thriving. I need to share this goodness more fully with them. These letters to them MUST be written, this week, I hope.

I’m feeling overwhelmed about a few things… Musettes--my singing group. I’m loving the music, and feel fairly confident I can stay on top of memorizing it. But the staging assignment is super stressful to me. We're supposed to build a Christmas Kitchen Scene, with a granny baking cookies and reminiscing about past Christmases. I'm also helping to write the script again. I don’t have a vision for it yet. And I don’t feel like I’m very well organized with many of the details. I need to take time to sort through details, do some delegating, get more of a complete picture of what we’re doing and what we need. I want it to be beautiful and lovely. And I want it to happen smoothly. I also need to make some recordings to keep on my phone so I can practice whenever/wherever.

Which brings me to another big anxious subject…

I’m taking a trip to England next week! NINE whole days! Ten, actually, since we have to drive to Seattle on Sunday, so we can fly out Monday. Super exciting, I know. Brian has been soooo very thoughtful and sweet, organizing this trip for me, and even inviting Cindy and Janice to come along. I really can’t believe it’s happening. But mainly, I just feel sooo anxious about it. All the travel and connections concern me. Flying, trains, driving in the UK. It all sounds stressful. Meeting up with friends sounds exciting, but very stressful, too! I have worked myself up about the smallest details, waaay too many times! It’s not fun and not fair. I want to enjoy it, and want to feel eager and excited about it. Instead I find myself feeling so nervous that something might go wrong. I’m praying for a sense of peace about this.

My Sunday School class is another nervous place for me. I love these kids very much. But I feel unprepared to teach, every Sunday including tomorrow. It seldom goes as planned, though I try to plan lots of interesting material. If certain young men are in class, everything is thrown off and we deal with lots of tangents and distractions from the normal lesson material. It's stressful and hard to prepare for. But for now, I think I better sleep and plan to prepare a little more in the morning. Good night, then. Thanks for letting me clear my head here!

About fall, and rambling memories

Happy Autumn!!
We finally have that touch of coldness in the air, and apples from the orchard freshly picked and sitting in a big bin on our counter. Camille has been helping herself every few hours (washing them in the bathroom, eating a little ring around the center of each apple, then leaving it hidden under her chair or tossing it in the trash). The other kids have been enjoying them, too. We made apple cake the other day, smothered in a butter/caramel topping that was soooo good. I love the apple season. I love fall.

But I also have come to expect the melancholy and wistful reminiscing that I have associated with fall for many years now. I find myself often thinking about past friends and memories, remembering both good and hard times. Like that heart-wrenching break-up scene of Brian and me on Lake Horace in New Hampshire, rowing in the mist together, trying not to cry even though were had decided we just weren't able to make things work together. Or those long, lonely days in London when Brian worked so hard and Samantha and I were so alone sometimes. Or Wade...

Anyway, I've been having some of those days. But today is not one of those wistful days of longing. It's just a day, and I'm happy for it. We've settled back into the routine of school, much to my relief. It's not always an easy journey, and some of our kids seem to adapt a little less easily than others. But we're making it, and finding a rhythm that works for us, thankfully.

At some point on this blog, I want to return to our wonderful summer, and hopefully I'll get the chance here sometime soon. We did soooo many lovely, memorable, fun and enjoyable things together as a family this summer. It was truly a magical kind of summer, to me... One I hope to remember for a looong time, and hope our kids will remember, too! I always wonder, what will be the memories that really stick with them? Will they remember Mt. Rushmore and the Badlands? That cool hotel with a waterslide in the swimming pool area? Will they remember driving through the glorious Tetons and getting out to play in the snow, in June? Will they remember camping and rafting and Lagoon?? I sure hope so! There's our summer in a nutshell. ha!

But back to fall...
Here's me, thinking waaaaayy back to my childhood -- I start thinking about Septembers Past, and I remember our wood-burning fireplace in the living room; the smell of smoke as I got off the bus from school; stomping in wearing my new school shoes and pants; carrying in logs from around the side of the house; picking out new fall jackets and sweaters that were a little big (so they'd fit me all winter); loving the morning after daylight-savings ended, when we got the extra hour to sleep in before school. Those are commonplace, everyday memories that mean a lot to me now. On cold evenings, I'd slip off my shoes during family scripture study and put my socked feet on the stone near the edge of the fireplace, feeling the warmth run through my whole body, warming me. At night, that North wind would blow, and I'd pile the blankets on my bed and put my head way down in the covers, surrounding myself with all my stuffed animals. These are some of my memories of fall. Things I love to think about when I'm getting that "pining for home" feeling.

I'm not sure where I was heading with this entry. I started it a couple of days ago now, and haven't really had much direction or motivation. So I'll just post it and hope for more enlightenment as things move along here. Happy Autumn, folks!!:)

For starters, an update

I've looked over my life of late, and found something is lacking. And... it is THIS! I'm back, at least for today. I've been reading several old posts from past years and really have enjoyed the remembering. So, I thought I better recommit to remembering the stuff that's happening right now. But it's hard to know just where to start, ya know? I mean, we're in the middle of a very fast-pace summer right now, with plenty of trips and outings and things that could deserve a post of their own.

I guess for now, I'm just going to throw up a bunch of pics and talk about things that I'd like to remember. Sounds interesting, right? So...

Hmm... This first pic is sideways. And I've spent long enough trying to figure out how to turn it. So you just get a sideways picture of me beside a beautiful little waterfall on a back path at BYU campus. I got to go to Women's Conference this year for the first time, and really enjoyed it. I went with BFF Kerri, and her mom and Sandy. Such a fun girls trip, with so much to learn. I went to so many good, applicable, uplifting classes and enjoyed being with friends.

But I have to say, actually, just before I took this selfie, I had been kind of teary, having some moments of serious reflection about who I used to be, who I am now, and who I still want to become. Honestly, it had been a long time since I'd had that kind of introspective reflection time on my life. I've gotta say, it was kind of hard remembering some awfully lonely times I had when I was a student at BYU. But it was also inspiring, thinking of all the things I learned there and how my education prepared me for so many things I have done so far in my life. Definitely worth remembering!

Next, here below you'll see my snazzy Craigslist Fitbit, only $40. I got it right after Women's Conference, and have been LOVING it these past couple of months. So fun to track how many steps I'm taking. At first I was pretty obsessed, and did lots of dancing in the kitchen, taking one more trip up the stairs just to log a flight, etc. I think I've eased into a better rhythm now, and I know what it takes to keep me feeling good most days. If you're on the fence about Fitbits, I recommend snagging one on Craigslist and giving it a try! I even got one for Brian for Father's Day (also off Craigslist) and he's hooked now, too! Hard thing is, he always seems to get more steps than me and burns more calories than me. So, although we're married and in love and all, it's a little rough having him as a Fitbit friend, turns out.;)

Here's Millie, in her pony jammies (my personal favorite). This girl! She's been telling everyone lately that she actually prefers to be called "Mills." Yep, even cashiers at the grocery store, waitresses in restaurants, etc. Lol! It even morphs into Millsey, sometimes. (Who knew we were so big into nicknames?!) She loves to be the star of the show, and always, always has a song to sing about everything. She knows most of the words for the Moana song, and Let It Go. And then she also makes up her own tunes and words every few minutes. Natalie has started to ask her to PLEASE NOT SING for at least a few minutes at a time. lol!

And, just a couple more of this cutie, just for fun. See how long and curly her hair is getting?! I love it! Only, I trimmed it a few weeks ago, and I think we may have lost some of that gorgeous curliness, too bad.

 She's my favorite cuddle bug, and climbs in bed with me often on these quieter summer mornings.

 Say CHEESE!!

This is a special memory for me. I felt really strongly about taking our kids to the temple open house for the Idaho Falls temple, so our kids could see where our family started, where we got married. We didn't have a free weekend in May, so we took the kids over and stayed at my parents' house on a Tuesday night, then took the kids to the temple on Wednesday morning, meeting Mark and Dalana's family for the quick tour. Then we headed back to get Natalie to a dance class that same afternoon. It was a really short little trip, but I am still so glad we did it! I had some really special feelings while we were there, remembering our wedding day and the peace of being married to Brian. So grateful for our covenants and the blessings they bring to my life. Just this past week, as we were driving home from Rexburg, our kids all shouted out, "there's the IF temple, remember going inside?!" I hope they feel a little of how special it is, too.

Except, well... I have to say, Camille wasn't really so thrilled about that tour... They had her wear booties, and it was NOT making her happy. She's still not really over it. Traumatized by the booties, poor girlie! lol!

Here's a pic of my little cuties on Mother's Day this year. They all brought home candy bars for me from church, which was so nice. But I was trying really hard to not go crazy eating all the wrong things, so I let them have the candy bars after all. They thought it was a win/win situation... Happy Mother's Day to THEM, too! My friend, Cori, made gourmet cupcakes for all of the ladies at church, so my own guilty pleasure was a delicious lemon cupcake. mmmm....

Another sideways picture. You'd think Blogger would have figured out a quick way to fix these by now, huh? (I say, knowing it surely couldn't be a user malfunction!) Anyway, this was a fun end-of-school activity I got to do with Natalie. Her kindergarten class had a fieldtrip to the zoo and to a play-place, and I went along as a chaperone. It was fun to spend some time alone with my girlie girl. We got a Costco sundae to share afterward, so good.

While I'm talking about Natalie, I better also add these cute ones from her dance recital day. She was sooooo excited about her performance, most especially for her costume and make up. She even got to wear mom's special lipsense lipstick stuff, so it could stay on the whole evening, so fun! She did great and is really quite a talented, flexible dancer.

 Isn't she funny?! ;)

These four are having quite the summer of fun together! We certainly have our squabbles and occasional tantrums and tears. But for the most part, I'm really grateful my kids seem to be learning to play well together and get along spending time together. Actually, this pic was in the midst of a group outing with lots of Bishop cousins at a mini reunion we had in Rexburg over Memorial Day. But I thought it was cute that the girls all got flowers in their hair. And Spencer was mocking them, but it looks like he's joining right in, being cute. Love my kiddos!

Might as well add a few more of the fun pics with cousins that we took that day, while I'm at it. Because, cousins truly do make the best friends. :) I'm really grateful that my kids get to spend time with lots of their cousins. I still cherish soooo many wonderful memories I had with my own cousins growing up, and still have a closeness with several of my cousins, because of the time we spent together as kids. I hope and pray my kids are forming those kinds of friendships with their cousins. I know they sure have a lot of fun when they get together!!

Three men on a couch, girls won this round!!

Here's my darling girl, Samantha, with Camille sitting in a locker at Samantha's new school she'll be attending this fall. She's turning into such a grown up girl these days! Goodbye grade school, she says! What to tell you about her? Well, I've NEVER seen any kid read as much as she likes to read. And that's saying A LOT, because I grew up with THE champion reader, named Wade. But I think she may even outread Wade, given the chance. She stayed for a little over a week with Mark and Dalana in June, and she picked out several series of Cooper's books that she HAD to read while she was there. Did you hear that? Not several books, but several SERIES! Poor cousins didn't get so much playtime with Samantha for all her reading.

 She's also really enjoying her academic/intellectual side. At the end of school, she took the top ranking awards in Math, Science and English. Super exciting! She is VERY eager to start middle school and is excited because her school offers some advanced classes in math, history, science and English. She's hoping to be invited to join them all. of course. (We won't tell her how nervous Mom is about the whole middle school thing, kay? I'm sure it's just my own insecurities and flashbacks coming into play!)

On to Spencer Boy... What can I say about this cute boy? Well, he's growing like a weed!! He's passed Samantha by an inch or so, and loves it when people think he's the oldest or ask if they are twins. He's 9, and he's growing into size 12 clothes now. All 10s are getting a little too short in the legs. Crazy!! He's always hungry and gets into a little bit of trouble opening snacks that aren't his, from time to time. Just comes with the territory, when you have hollow legs, I suppose! He's loving being outside this summer, whether it's on his bike or getting in water or just helping in the yard. He also really likes scouts, and computer/tablet time. He's very fascinated with geography and geology still, and has enjoyed our National Parks visits these past few months. These cute pics were taken at Yellowstone, by a very colorful geyser pot, he specifically requested this one below...

I also love this one of him and Samantha. They don't always get along, but when they do, they both come up with some really good ideas. Just this week, they decided to start a business washing out people's trash bins in our neighborhood. Only one customer (besides Mom) so far, but they're hopeful some of our other neighbors will be interested through the coming weeks.

Love my boy!!

So this one below is a happy-sad one for me. This is my Dalana sis-in-law and me, together on Memorial Day at my favorite place, Mesa Falls. It's happy because I just love her like a sister. And sad because I miss her! They moved to Rexburg last fall, and I'm afraid I still haven't fully adjusted. Especially on these summer days when we're at home, looking for something fun to do... Oh, I just miss the good ol' Dalana days. Grateful that we still see them quite often and talk on the phone occasionally. But I'll tell you right up front, it's definitely not the same as having an everyday friend.

And then, here's this guy, what to tell you about him? He had a verrrrrrry busy spring working, and so far has also had a very busy summer playing!! Seriously, he knows how to pack it in, whether it's hours and hours (and days and weeks) of working like crazy... Or, he finally got some time off -- most of the month of June, to be exact, as well as the first few days of July. And he's been packing it in, trying to really enjoy the break from the grind. It's been fun spending some really quality time with him, for sure! We took a weeklong spontaneous family trip to Mt. Rushmore, then he went to Scout Camp for a week, then we went to Hawaii for a week together with my Hone siblings and parents. (Do I sense some future blog post ideas, perhaps?!) Well, I love him. I am, naturally and thankfully, finding him to be my truest, dearest friend. So grateful for Brian in my life.

Well!! I have literally THOUSANDS of pictures I could (and should) put up here. So much to say, so much of this good life I'm living, so much worth sharing and capturing and remembering. But I'd say this has been a nice start for an update, since it's been sooooo very long, huh?! Enjoy, and... Bye for now!

Time to write again

Hello, Mom.
I'm pretty sure you're the only one who reads this blog anymore. So this is a note to you.:)

Actually, it's mainly just a note to the internet void tonight. A note to vent, to talk, to share something with someone. I have been aching to write lately. Thoughts flow through me all day, longing to find a voice somewhere. Here.

Tonight, I watched kids for some friends, mainly so my own kids could get to know theirs better, and we'd stay occupied while Brian is gone camping with the scouts. He's been so very busy lately. Let's not talk and think about that directly, ok? But indirectly, this latest stretch of his busyness is what led me to talk incessantly, like an elderly shut-in, when the happy couple came to pick up their kids tonight. It's what drove me to call my mom right during dinner, then, instead of hanging up politely, I rambled on, on speaker phone to both my parents during their entire meal, just because there was another adult, human voice that actually sounded like it was someone LISTENING to me?!

Wow. I'm in a kind of hard spot these days! I'm doing things to stay afloat. But there are other things that are hanging precariously around me, almost sliding down some terrible slippery emotional slope.

The truth is, I'm lonely.

I'm trying to make new friends here, and I'm having some success. But I'm not so patient. And, I'm back to that spot where I feel the loss of my past friends and memories, and the closeness I used to have with people that is just no longer there. And I feel like the oddity for having such thoughts, because I know not everyone does. Oh well. Somehow just even admitting these things here is healing.

I'm tired. I should sleep. I've been trying to eat better, exercise more, and get more sleep. I've been doing a beachbody challenge since January, to help me stay focused on these things. It's been REALLY helpful. In fact, I'd say, right now I'm kind of to a "rock bottom" spot, emotionally, tonight. But I know I won't stay here. I'll get some rest tonight and exercise tomorrow and I'll feel a little better. I'm learning how these things really do help pull me along and lift me out of the down days I have. I'm also learning (or re-learning?) that sleep is one of the most difficult things to manage in my life. It seems like it's ALWAYS been that way. Eating is tough right now. But the worst is the sleeping. Which is why I'm ending here, and heading to sleep for the night. Good night, internet void.

The little things

Today, I did something I have never done before. And it was extremely moving and beautiful to me...

I had run into Walmart this afternoon with my two littlest ones, for just a few minutes to make an exchange. As I left the store and pulled out of the parking lot, I passed a woman walking on the side of the road, loaded down with several bags of groceries. She was headed the same direction I was going, but she was on the opposite side of the street from me.

Her hair was covered with a head scarf, but lots of gray strands were coming loose, blowing in the wind. And her shoulders look stooped, either from her age or her load. As I drove past her, she looked over at me and smiled. That little voice in my head said softly, "give her a ride." I was still driving, so I bit my lip and looked in the rearview mirror at her again as I kept going. My rational side started in with all the reasons I should not pick up a total stranger and give her a ride. Camille was almost asleep and needed to be home soon for her nap. Natalie was telling me a very important five-year-old story that I was having trouble focusing on.

That little voice persisted, without arguing back with my many reasons, but just saying softly, give her a ride. I had gone three quarters of a mile, down the hill to the four-way stop sign. I finally answered the voice, almost whispering "OK" out loud as I turned the car around.

By the time I got back to her, she had set down her bags, and was rubbing her wrists, like they were maybe hurting. There wasn't much room on the side of the road, but I pulled over, put my hazard lights on, and motioned to her with a shrug, and pointed at my passenger seat. She nodded emphatically, and started gathering her bags. As she approach the car, I rolled down the window and asked, "Can I give you a ride somewhere?" She nodded again, then said, "Si!!" and started rattling off a big long sentence in Spanish.

I nodded politely, and was trying to decipher any words I might be familiar with, but none of it was making sense in the least. I used my broken Spanish to tell her I really don't understand much, then in English said, "but I'm happy to give you a ride," and gestured for her to get in.

She opened up the sliding door of our minivan, and started to put her bags of groceries on the floor by Natalie's feet. What I had thought was maybe three or four bags, was more like eight or nine! I have no idea how she was carrying it all as well as she was! When she had unloaded them, she climbed in the front seat beside me, with her purse on her lap.

She started talking to me in Spanish again, and my whole heart wanted to understand her. Her smile was so sincere, and her disposition so cheerful and bright, despite what looked to be a hard situation. I just smiled and nodded, and tried to answer with the few Spanish direction words I can remember. She directed me into a nearby neighborhood, where I drove straight for nearly a mile, then turned on a side street for another quarter-mile before stopping at a small but nicely maintained house on a corner... It would have been a long, windy walk.

She got out, opened the back door, and unload her groceries into the driveway beside her. Then she leaned back into the car toward me, and asked if she could pay me some money. (At least, that's what I gathered?) I shook my head no, and smiled.

At the same time, that little voice in my head again said to me, "YOU give HER money." The truth is, I almost never have cash with me, and if I do, it is buried in some odd pocket in my purse or wallet somewhere. So I was struggling with what to do about this little voice, when it added, "in your coat pocket."

I put my hand into my pocket, and pulled out a $20 bill! I stared at it and amazement for a moment, having no idea how it got there, then I reached across the seat and held it out to her. "Para ti," I said. "For you." 

She looked at it, then looked up at me. She reached out to take it, then wrapped both of her hands around mine. When she looked up at me again, there were tears in her eyes, and in mine. "Thank you," she whispered in very broken English.

"Merry Christmas," I said.

"Merry Christmas," she said back to me, again in broken English.

She closed the door, and I backed the car out of her driveway, and then I really started to cry. Yes, I had done something kind for a stranger. But that wasn't the only reason I felt so moved, so touched; It was that undeniable feeling that I had been on the Lord's errand, helping to answer another sister's prayer today. That little voice was real, and powerful, and something that I often hear but don't always stop to listen to. I'm so glad I listened today.

Lost and Found

Last Sunday evening, just over a week ago, I took my wedding ring off before bed. My finger was feeling a bit achy, and swollen, so off came the ring. I left it on my bedside table, and meant to put it back on first thing in the morning. But I forgot! All day Monday, I was without it. And didn't even realize it until the next evening, as I was headed to bed. I reached for it, and it was not there!

I immediately pulled out the night-table from the wall, looked under the bed, down in the drawers, and all around on the floor beside the table. It was gone!

Brian came and looked with me for a few minutes, then we both headed to bed. I said a very fervent prayer that night that I could find it soon. But it did not surface the next day. I asked all the kids if they had seen it, and no one seem to know anything about it… Except Camille. I asked her if she had seen mamma's ring? And she quickly ran to our bedroom and looked on the table, where I had left it. Not good, people. When the one-year-old knows where it was, it's a pretty sure bet she's the one who took off with it! And... It could be absolutely anywhere!!

I looked in all the garbage cans, under all the couches, cleaned out the toybox, and looked in all her little hidey-holes, handbags, etc. I even got out some gloves, and emptied all the trash from our big garage trashcan, and carefully (painfully) sorted through it, because that little one does sometimes throw things away. No luck. I invited the kids to join in the search, and offered a reward of $10, to whoever found it. They looked for like five minutes, then gave up. Samantha said, "but if Camille had it, that's like searching for a needle in a haystack!

All week long, I felt like I was kind of going crazy. I was afraid to vacuum, in case I accidentally sucked it up. I was imagining that I saw it everywhere – – in every drawer, closet, crawlspace, under every bed… I practically dove under the coat hook bench by our front door, thinking I saw it one afternoon. But it was just an old dried out corn kernel from our Thanksgiving decorations. Rats!

I was mentioning it in every prayer, and asking Camille about it again, at every diaper change: "Camille, do you know where mommy's ring is?" Her typical response, after the first day: "Gone."

I shed some real tears over this one! And said some very sincere prayers, I'll tell you! And then, yesterday afternoon… I found it!! I wasn't even really looking for it at the time. But it was in our piano room, against the window, underneath the curtain. I was moving around a basket of books, trying to make room for a tote of Christmas decorations to fit by it – – and there I saw it, just sparkling up at me as I had imagined all week long!

I screamed out loud, and started shaking and crying a little bit. Then I put it on, and ran upstairs to show Brian! I keep looking at it, all day long, feeling so grateful for it and all it symbolizes!

It's interesting to me how much more meaningful it feels to me right now, after having lost it for a week. Yes, it is sparkly and beautiful. And it is by far the most expensive thing I personally own and wear. But the real reason I treasure it is because it symbolizes the beautiful covenants, promises, and blessings of my life with Brian and our little family life together. Looking at this ring right now, I feel a renewed sense of gratitude for these sweet relationships in my life. And in a way, I'm grateful for this lost-and-found experience, even though I'm most especially grateful that it is found!! :-)

More Peruvian Adventures

When Brian and I returned to Lima, we had a couple of days of sightseeing to ourselves, and some time with Randi and Saul. We figured out their public transport system – – the bus! I took this picture out the bus window, because the sign says Alicia, and I think I intended to send it on to Alicia or something? :-)

We also found our way to some very nice dessert shops around town...

Here is Brian, getting ready to take a bite of a really tasty lemon cream cake. We shared it, along with some really strong hot chocolate. Our main motive was to use their Internet connection, but a little dessert never hurt anyone. :-)

I always love seeing a good street performer. This guy on stilts was pretty talented!

These shots below are of the central plaza in Lima. They had some really cool old style architecture surrounding the Square...

From the plaza, Brian and I hopped on a bus to go to the top of Mount St. Cristobal. I took this picture from the plaza, and the mountain is in the background, behind the colored houses on the hill. There is a big cross at the top.

All the colorful houses were really quite beautiful to look at from a distance. They really brightened up the gray hazy sky.

But as we got closer to them, I couldn't help but cry for the severe poverty of the people who must live there. Our bus wound its way up very narrow streets, passing hundreds of these homes, with roof caving in, no glass in the windows, and rebar sticking out of most of the rooftops. I kept wiping away tears...

Here's a view from partway up the mountain...

Selfie at the top…

The large cross was surrounded with flowers, candles, and mementos that people evidently left there in worship.

When we got back down to the Central Square, we decided to go in the famous cathedral.

It was really ornate and well-kept inside. I don't remember the historical details. But it had some interesting artifacts. :-)

The wooden carved choir seats are one of the highlights, apparently famous for their intricate details and great preservation.

And the crypt was open, so I took a peek. I was busy looking at some small baby coffins, when I turned around to find these guys staring at me…

They had some really gorgeous mosaics, with really colorful well preserved stones. Brian and I both love mosaics, so we were impressed!

We like to visit grocery stores when we travel. It's so fun to see what other countries stock on their shelves, but the labeling and packaging looks like, etc. we took this picture, because we found it a little humorous to find new tires across the aisle from toilet paper... Now, there's a  marketing scheme, for those who drive and have bathroom needs. :-)

They had a delicious looking deli area, with some local dishes that I would have liked to try. But we had already eaten, so we passed.

We spent our last evening at a ballet performance of Midsummer Night's dream. It was really well done! The costumes alone or mesmerizing, and the dancers are really talented. They asked us not to take pictures of the actual performance, and we obliged.

But here's one of me, before the show started. :-) Fun stuff!